The Bolder Boulder 10K occurs on May 31st, which happens to be in a month. So now is the perfect time for this advertising opportunity. You see, I run the Bolder Boulder when I can, and this year I'm going to kick its ass. And I'm hoping you can help by buying some advertising space on my shorts, shirt, headband or shoes.
Now, all you giant corporations are thinking, "Why the fuck would we want to spend money on some asshole who'll finish twenty minutes behind the guy who wins the race?"
Good point. But I have a better one.
The guys who finish the race in 29 minutes are just that, on the road for 29 minutes. Me? I'm hoping to finish in 55 minutes. So you get almost twice as much air time for your money.
Wait, there's an added bonus. I'll be wearing your logo, shirt or whatever whorish crap before and after the race. There are about 80,000 people who work, run or watch the race. They'll see your ad. After that, I'll be hitting the bars where another grand or two of revelers will see me wearing your stuff.
And if tradition ensues, after the race I'll be fucking shitfaced after my first Michelob Ultra (but it doesn't have to be Michelob Ultra, your beer could be the official Afterdrink for KC's Race), doing all kinds of wild stuff which will bring even MORE attention to the reasonably priced advertising you pay for.
And if you act now, I'll actually give a shit and talk to people about how awesome your company, coffee shop, whiskey distillery or bed & breakfast is. Before and after the race. Heck, I'll even blog about it.
But, wait, there's even more, I made the evening NBC affiliate news last year WITHOUT advertising. Think about the hoopla I will create when I'm sponsored!
You see, there are a bunch of skinny little turds who run this. Then there's me. I'm a 200-pound bonebreaker, covered in tattoos, scars and brightly colored shorty short shorts. You can't help but look at me. (I mean, check out that ass-sweat in the backwards photo. That ass sweat could be all over YOUR logo!)
But wait, there's still more. I'll create a facebook photo album that people will look at and then they'll think, "Wow, check this out. Pepsi-Cola (or your company's name) is so rad they sponsored KC, one of the worst athletes of all time."
Hold your dicks, because there's still fucking more. This will start a trend, nonathletic people doing stupid races but getting paid for it. You'll be the first! Think about it, your company will be a trailblazer in advertising and marketing with me as the figurehead.
You're probably thinking, "KC probably just wants to work for switchblade manufacturers, comic book shops and liquor companies. Not my megamillion dollar corporation." Guess what? You're dead fucking wrong.
You see, I don't give a fuck whose company I sell out to. Big Tobacco? Sure their money is just as green as anybody elses. NAMBLA? Why the hell not? Everybody needs some loving. The Foundation to Murder Casey Freeman? Of course I'll wear your stuff, as long as you're signing a check or giving me some running shoes.
"What else is in it for us?" you're still asking. First, I'll work cheap. We'll start the bidding war at the reasonably-priced five bucks (that's a fucking steal people!). What do you need to do? E-mail me your bidding price and then mail me the stupid thing you want me to wear.
Now, I'm still sensing a little doubt. I know I'm a huge celebrity and you're thinking, "He's probably got some amazing Hollywood agent and I just won't be able to cover those costs." Wrong. I've got nobody. Plus, I'm not smart enough to figure out how to squeeze more money out of you or how not to get taken advantage of, so you're in for a deal of a lifetime.
If you're still wondering, "It's too good to be true. This isn't real." It is. Here's my actual fucking email address [email protected].
Send me an email with your bid and even a photo of the stupid shit you want me to wear. Have your legal team write up a contract and I'll sign that sucker.
Thank you, I can't wait to start this amazing advertising relationship.
To my fans who are sad that I'm selling out. Well, fuck you. You don't pay my bills. Hopefully Coca Cola, Budweiser, Honey Nut Cheerios or somebody who knows a great deal when they see one will foot the bill for my ridiculous student loan debt.
You're the best and most sincerely,
kc