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If Demeter, the Greek goddess of the harvest, were to thresh wheat from the bluffs of Mt. Olympus, bake bread, toast it on Zeus’ favorite lightning bolt, and top it with ambrosial buttercream, it wouldn’t taste as divine as this toast.
HUGE PHOTO OF TOAST
If Paul Hollywood eloped with the Baroness of Butterland to an Italian vineyard where Andrea Bocelli was singing “Endless Love,” it wouldn’t be a more blissful marriage of carbs and salted cream than this toast.
HUGER PHOTO OF TOAST
If you combined all the toast hyperboles and superlatives in the universe, it wouldn’t capture the depth of my passion for SEO buzzwords that optimize this recipe for third-party advertisers.
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But it’s a win-win. I know you didn’t come here just because you’re hungry or time-pressed to make a quick snack for your kids who are currently gnawing on each other’s legs. You came here to read a Les Mis-length exposition on a one-step recipe from an expert in rural boho chic.
PHOTO OF ME WEARING FLOPPY HAT AND SHORT BOOTS WHILE HOLDING TOAST
Every word of which is crucial to making this recipe correctly, definitely not just to create more space for
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Alright, let’s get into it!
What Kind of Bread to Use
There are so many kinds of bread. White bread, wheat bread, other bread. The sky’s the limit.
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Mindfulness Prep
I find it heightens the toast experience when I take time to get in the right headspace (or should I say “breadspace” lol??? I’ll say both because longer posts get 56% more social shares.) So here are five bread facts:
- Bread is part of the grain family
- The border region is called “crust”
- It was invented in 1852
- Their fifth album produced three Top 20 singles, “The Guitar Man” (#11), “Sweet Surrender” (#15), and “Aubrey” (#15)
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Opening the Bag
Alright, let’s get into it! Your bread bag is likely closed off in one of two ways:
(1) A twisty tie
HUGE PHOTO OF TWISTY TIE
(2) One of those plastic clippy things.
HUGE PHOTO OF PLASTIC CLIPPY THING
A twisty tie can be opened by twisting, then after realizing you’re twisting the wrong way, twisting the other way. Plastic clips can simply be broken in half. Which is their inevitable fate.
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Mandatory Materials
To not horribly mess up this toast, you’ll need a Cuisinart 4-Slice Toaster, a stainless-steel Williams Sonoma Butter Blade, and a Whale-Shaped Butter Dish from Pottery Barn resting on a Leadstone Calacatta countertop in a 4-5 bedroom home by D.R. Horton.
Disclaimer: I am a participant in an affiliate advertising program which earns me a small commission on partner purchases and, in the event you buy a D.R. Horton property, 50% of your home equity.
Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Toast.
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Toasting
Many consider this the most important step, so let’s get into it! To toast the bread, insert into any slot and push down the lever after selecting the desired toast number. I usually select number 4, because there’s 4 days left to get 25% off a subscription to the À La Katie newsletter!
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Comment below if you like any of my other food blog name ideas:
- Love and Lemons
- Love and Lemon Pepper
- Love and Lemongrass
- Bakin’ My Way Downtown (recipes inspired by Vanessa Carlton songs)
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How to Pass the Time While Bread is Toasting
I usually play on our farmstead with our Sheltie Corgi, eight roosters, and three Kagoshima pigs we adopted from Japan. By “farm” I mean a suburban backyard and by “stead” I mean an HOA that doesn’t know about the pigs, but #farmlife and #piggylove boost blog visibility by 37%.
PHOTO OF MY KAGOSHIMA PIGS THAT IS SO LARGE IT CRASHES YOUR PHONE AND THE WIFI OF THE SIX NEIGHBORING CUL DE SACS
Oh good! You got your phone to restart. Where were we?
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We’re so close now, I bet you can hardly wait to
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Toast Haiku
Toast, you are the most
Butyraceous and croquante
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What is Peristalsis?
The involuntary wave-like reflex that propels your toast from the esophagus to the stomach. Comment below about why you love peristalsis. Or the word “esophagus”. Idc, anything to boost my engagement metrics.
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Eesh *rubs hands* this blog is killer on the carpal tunnel.
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I hope you enjoyed
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My Recipe
CHECK OUT MORE SUPER QUICK ORIGINAL RECIPES FROM À LA KATIE: CEREAL // ICE CUBES // SPAGHETTIOS
For
HUGE PHOTO OF MY KAGOSHIMA PIG’S BUTT
Toa
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The ULTIMATE Best Toastiest Toast Recipe of ALL Time Seriously
Cook time: 30 sec
Scrolling through recipe time: 6 months 28 min
Total time: 6 months 28 min 30 sec
Ingredients
Slice of bread
Steps
Toast bread