(My Mom performing one of her many daily duties. Cleaning spinal wound sutures…)
So the other day I called my Mom "The most retarded driver in the country." And while that's not completely the truth (the actual quote was "My mom is a retarded driver.") However, she is the best mom in the world—and this is my Mother's Day Ode to her.
A lot of my sense of humor comes from her.
Allegedly her first comment about me after I was born was, "Are his ears going to stay like that?" My dad's was "The nurse just told me my nine-pound baby took a three-pound crap!" And then my great aunt said, "He looks like a Mexican baby!" Ah, to be loved.
Mom always wanted a girl. That's how I ended up with a girl's name. My brothers Medium Bot and Little Bot suffered as well. Mom never cut Medium Bot's hair, so he always had luscious flowing locks that made him look like Lil Bo Peep. When Mom prepared for Lil Bot, she bought all pink stuff, so all his baby photos are in pink girly shit. So Med Bot and I kicked his ass.
That's just the way we treat each other in my family. We torture and humiliate each other as much as possible. I lied and told my Mom "Spaceballs is the newest Star Wars movie," and begged her to take me. Then I became the most amazing swearer on the gradeschool playbround. Then my brothers and I pulled the same thing when we told her "Ace Venture Pet Detective is a mystery."
Of course, she's told her share of whopping lies. "You're shorter than your brothers because I didn't eat my vegetables."
Sometimes she calls me her, "Stupid Little Genius." However, when she's mad she yells "Casey Joseph Freeman!" and that's usually accompanied with a swat with a hairbrush, frying pan or notebook. So when the dean of my university called out my name for graduation, as I walked to the stage I held my butt, terrified of getting a public spanking.
(Mom and her Stupid Little Genius)
At the same graduation, In a sea of people I stood up and waved for her and her camera. For about two minutes straight. Because she couldn't figure out how to work the flash. Most of my photos from commencement are either jet black or close-ups of her face.
One of the most amazing compliments I've ever received was from her. As I wore a baby blue leisure suit and packed my bags for my big move to NYC, she said, "I hope New York is ready for you." Of course, she also reminds me that she lived in Queens when "It was not so nice."
So my Mom may be a retarded driver, technologically inept, a smartass and a crappy liar, but she's the best mom in the world. Hands down.
Happy Mother's Day Mommy!