THE BOSS
This is your BOSS. It’s in all caps, because he (it’s a man, always a man) wants you to be clear that he is your BOSS.
He’s a mid-level manager who likes to use terminology like “my project” and “our work” (i.e. your project and your work). The effort is collective unless it’s bad. Then it’s just your work.
There’s no “I” in team. There is an “I” in “individual contributor.” In fact, there are four. And that’s what you are. Not him. You. Because you’re not anyone’s boss. He is. Are we clear?
The One Who Thinks They're Your Boss
This person quickly rose in the ranks for no reason other than they are metaphorically sleeping with the CEO. While they don’t actually have the power to fire you, they do have the power to drive you to talk tons of shit about them behind their back.
Phrases you will frequently find in this individual’s day-to-day speech include:
- “How can I support you?”
- “Do you want me to look over your work?” [Unspoken: I will take credit for it if it’s good.]
- “Do you want to have a quick chat?”
- “Let’s have a quick chat.” [Unspoken: whether you want to or not.]
The One Who Hates You and Everyone Else, But Mostly You
Also known as the Dark Lord, this person is, simply put, there to make your work life a living nightmare. They may have a role, but you are unable to discern what it actually is. Their responsibilities seem to be to criticize your work at every turn. They may have stated responsibilities in their job description that aren’t criticizing your work at every turn, but those responsibilities are definitely sidelined.
They will Slack you about how terrible your work is on your birthday. They probably don’t have a birthday because birthdays are for the weak. Why should you care about birthdays? You’re not a child. Are you expecting a fucking carnival? Do you want a clown to sing to you? (Sidenote: This is the one individual on the planet who doesn’t find clowns frightening.) (Second sidenote: This person hates cake.)
For some indiscernible reason, this person has three children and a loving partner.
The One Who Works From 1:00 AM Until 10:30 PM
This person is a vampire.
The One Who Pretends to Be Supportive But Will Throw You Under the Bus Faster Than You Can Say “PIP”
And they are the reason you are on a Performance Improvement Plan. They do that thing your brother did when you were a kid and he’d rat you out to your mom by saying, “Is she supposed to be hoarding cookies under her pillow? Just asking because the rule is one sweet a day.” Except it’s to your BOSS and it’s more like, “Is there supposed to be a run-on sentence in this document? Just asking because I care about our reputation as a brand.”
The Saving Grace
This person is the reason you haven’t quit yet, and also the first person you tell you’re going to quit (before your mom and your dog. No, your dog was first. But you have to reassure them you’ll still be able to support their life of leisure).
The Saving Grace is the only reason you can think of to be glad that you ever accepted this job. They have also willingly accepted the role of therapist. No, you didn’t force them. Maybe you forced them. Well, they’re doing it and they give great advice. (Except for the time they referred you for this job.)