(This guy's a dick.)
I don't know much about politics, but I do know about bar fights—not because I'm good at them, I've just been in a lot. But I've seen this North Korea guy before plenty of times, and you probably have too.
North Korea is a short, smelly, annoying and aggressive little shit. He thinks every woman wants to bang him, every man is jealous of him and everybody is out to get him. So in short, he's completely delusional. Let's see what happens when he goes out drinking…
SCENE: Pretty quaint American-style bar.
USA: Hey ROK (Republic of Korea), want a burger? I'm kind of hungry.
ROK: If you're doing it, I'll do it too.
USA: I'll get a waitress.
ROK: No need. I already ordered from my wristwatch.
USA: You can do that?
ROK: You can't? Wow. Sucks to be you.
(North Korea walks in.)
NK: What's up faggots?
USA: Who in fucking hell is this asshole?
ROK: Oh, it's my fucking cousin.
NK: Yeah, what's your fucking problem USA? You want a piece of me? You fat piece of puppet shit.
USA: Look kid, do you know who you're messing with? As far as I remember, a handful of us came in and whipped your lily asses a few years ago.
ROK: Bro. Ignore him and hopefully he'll go away.
WAITRESS: Here's your burgers. Enjoy.
NK: Geez, I sure am starving. It would be nice if somebody popped up and gave me some food.
USA: How about, maybe getting a job?
NK: Are you calling me lazy?
(NK walks up to ROK, opens the bun of his hamburger and spits in it.)
USA: What the fuck?
ROK: What the shibar? (that means "fuck" in Korean).
NK: What are you going to do about it?
ROK: You know what, you're not worth my time. Crawl back into that hole you live in.
(NK Leaves and starts talking with Iran and some other shady characters in the bar.)
USA: Dude, we seriously need to kick that guy's ass. You're just going to take that?
ROK: It's a long story. But there's some rule that if I kick his ass, I've got to take care of all his kids. And he's got like, millions of them.
USA: Fuck dude. Well, I'm sure I can call up some friends and we can all kick their asses.
ROK: Which friends are these?
USA: Very funny asshole.
ROK: Seriously, he'll just go away.
(NK talking with the shady characters.)
NK: Yeah, I've got nuclear bombs, how about you Iran?
IRAN: I really don't want to talk to you. Go away.
NK: Oh yeah, well, enjoy the fucking desert. Cuba, want to hang out, fuck some sluts?
CUBA: Who are you again, cabron?
NK: I knew you were just a faker. I'm going to cause some real shit while you pussies sit here and pretend you're bad ass.
(North Korea walks up to the ROK.)
NK: What the fuck are you looking at? I saw you looking at me? You want to go you rich fucking cheesedick?
(North Korea slaps ROK in the face.)
ROK: You gae-sekki (son of a bitch).
USA: Alright, if you don't kick this guy's nuts from here to Dallas, I will.
ROK: Bro, it's still, a lot more difficult than that.
USA: I don't give a fuck if it's your cousin or your sister, I hate to see you get treated like that. Who fucking cares how much money it will cost. I've got tons of it.
ROK: Really?
USA: No, but still. Let's fuck this guy up.
NK: Yeah, you want some you fucking devil worshipers? Or are there not enough babies in my country for you to kill?
USA: Alright, that's a fucking myth. But not, you're going down. ROK, if you're too big of a pussy to do this, I will.
ROK: Bro, you don't want to do this.
USA: Give me one good reason.
ROK: The extra welfare payments, man. I don't want to make them.
USA: Okay, give me another good reason.
(ROK points to a giant yellow thing sitting in the corner.)
ROK: That.
USA: What the fuck is that thing?
ROK: China.
USA: Holy shit! That's a person?!?! I thought that was an out-of-order arcade machine. That dude is fucking huge. Like, five times my size.
NK: Not the biggest swinging dick in town any more are you?
ROK: Just leave us alone, dick.
NK: Smells like both of you have screaming cases of yeast infections.
USA: Dude, if I fight NK, and that starts a bigger fight with China, I can't shop at Wal-Mart any more.
ROK: See what I mean?
END