Thank you for clicking our ad. Allow us to tell you about this light jacket made of 100% Merino wool, including the zippers.
But is it a jacket or is it a shirt? Can you tell? Can we? No. Welcome to the labyrinth of wonders that is our dream coat of Merino wool.
Merino wool fends off Arctic gales, but it’s as light as a ray from the crescent moon. It senses and adjusts to your body temperature. Wear it in any weather. If it’s crazy hot out, fold it up with the origami instructions we’ll provide, and put it in that mini-pocket inside the right front of your jeans. Why do they make that tiny pocket, anyway? For this.
Merino wool neutralizes all odors. Your sweat won’t stink when you’re wearing it. Neither will your breath, even though the jacket doesn’t cover your mouth. Merino wool draws in all nearby smells and transforms them into pure New Zealand oxygen. You don’t need to wash it. Spill food on it and it’ll chew it up and churn it out as a sparkling sphere for the cat to play with. Hang it up in your closet and it’ll clean your other clothes while you sleep.
Merino wool adjusts its color for all environments. This jacket matches whatever you’re wearing. It’ll choose an outfit for you if you don’t know what to wear. If you’re feeling shy, it’s an invisibility cloak. If you’re on stage it radiates incandescent purple light that would seduce a nun.
It isn’t waterproof. It absorbs water and redistributes it, moisturizing your skin, hydrating your digestive system, and beaning your enemies with snowballs.
It relaxes your mind so you can look at a tree and think nothing more than “tree,” for up to a minute.
When you wear your Merino jacket, you’ll be more inclined to eat those five to ten servings of vegetables a day you keep not getting around to. Its magnificence inspires you to sit up straighter and be kinder to children, animals, and people who say “ec-scape.” It does your ten thousand steps a day for you. It’s already read your old New Yorkers.
It edits the ads out of podcasts. It ages in reverse. It strangles earworms. It gives laryngitis to movie theater talkers. It knows the final digit of pi and how many teaspoons go into a tablespoon.
It makes cauliflower taste good. It undoes gerrymandering. It accompanies you into the afterlife. It taxes billionaires. It once got the high score in Donkey Kong which stood for almost a week.
It provides the one-in-a-million argument that gets through to conspiracy theorists. It gives you a gentle warning squeeze if you’re about to say “literally” when you mean “figuratively.” It pays musicians the livable royalties Spotify doesn’t. It counts the stars and whispers the number to you as you sleep.
It costs negative nineteen dollars and fifty cents, tax and shipping included. That’s right, you don’t have to pay anything for it, and we’ll send you a rebate. It comes with a lifetime guarantee. No receipt needed. Our Merino sheep already remember you. They’re impressed with your accomplishments. They’re proud of what a good person you’ve become.
Merino sheep are our majority stockholders. They do our packaging and shipping. They make our packaging out of their own wool. If the delivery truck gets in an accident, our packaging cushions the impact and makes sure everyone involved lands right-side-up and free from chronic back pain.
Merino sheep are standing by to take your call. They’ll never put you on hold. If you’ve got anything on your mind, let them know. No subject is off the table. Merino sheep are well-versed in attachment theory, family constellations, and how to fold a fitted sheet.
Now just you wait 'til you find out what our Merino underwear can do.