Ciao bella, American tourist, and welcome to your European vacation! Before you get too excited about the exotic wine spritzers you’re going to try, we unfortunately must remind you that no matter where you’re visiting, people are going to think you’re fucking stupid.
It’s not personal. You may be a smart and cultured individual who plays the mini crossword and watched that Stanley Tucci show about Italy. But it’s the reputation we have abroad. Americans are “loud” and “obnoxious” and “too lazy to even consider learning Hungarian.” And while two out of three of those assumptions are false, it’s impossible to convince people otherwise. The best you can do is maintain the status quo, give them nothing new to make fun of you for. In other words: be normal.
Follow these easy steps to blend in like a local and you’ll never get teased for being the self-involved, entitled American you truly are.
Don’t use maps
You can always spot an American tourist by how frequently they’re looking down at their phone or a map to figure out which direction they’re supposed to go. Don’t do that. You’ll immediately give away how little you know about the city you’re visiting and everyone will laugh at you. Consider instead following the direction your gut is telling you to go. You may not end up exactly where you hoped, but at least you won’t look ridiculous!
Don’t take any pictures
Dead giveaway that you’re a narcissistic American is when you take a picture of yourself in front of a famous landmark instead of walking past it casually. You look silly smiling at your phone like that. Don’t. Everyone will laugh at you. It’s wiser to just remember what the scenery looks like in your mind’s eye. Pictures are nice, but memories are forever.
Don’t pack any of your normal clothes
In Europe, people tend to look chic and fashionable, unlike how we dress in America, with our loud American colors and loud American words like “Abercrombie.” These kinds of clothes are sure to get you laughed at. Don’t wear them. Instead, it’s safest to fade into the background like a non-threatening shrub. Camouflage is a great option!
Don’t order at restaurants
Let’s be honest, you don’t know how to pronounce any of the words on their menus. And even if the staff gives you an English copy, you’d look stupid ordering a “turkey sandwich” when you should have asked for a turkey sandwich in Italian. Don’t even try. Every single person will laugh at you. Instead, stick to water. Can’t go wrong there!
Actually just don’t eat
On second thought, you probably shouldn’t even try the food. Your sensitive American stomach can’t digest the fresh fruits and vegetables they have overseas. If it’s not pumped with GMOs, it’s not Going in your MOuth (handle little mnemonic for you). Don’t even bother, because you know what will happen if you do? Everyone will laugh at you.
Don’t open your mouth
You know what? It’s probably safest to not say anything to anyone on your trip. You don’t know how to handle all those consonants in Croatian, and if you try, everyone will most certainly laugh at you. Just keep to yourself and find the answers to your questions some other way—in your heart or something, you’ll figure it out!
Don’t breathe
To be honest, it might not even be worth it to use your lungs. Lots of people smoke in Europe so you might start coughing, and if you do that, everyone is absolutely going to laugh at you. So yeah, don’t breathe. Just hold it.
Don’t go
Okay hear us out… maybe you just shouldn’t go at all. The more we think about it, the more we realize you’ll probably just get laughed at. And that’s really hard to come back from. You know what’s a great place to check out? Your living room! I hear they have awesome movies there.
So there you have it! A completely foolproof guide for making yourself not look like a fool abroad. Stick to this plan exactly and you’ll never have an embarrassing moment in another country again. Because you’ll never go to another country again! And on your deathbed, you’ll be able to look back on your life and know for certain that no one has ever laughed at you, the clear sign of a life well-lived.