Today, I, Robert Garcko, am announcing my candidacy for mayor of Buffalo. It would be the honor of my life to serve this city. I believe that the people of this city deserve better, which is why as your mayor I promise to deal with the blights of this city: dozens of unfilled potholes, a lack of affordable housing, and obviously, Greg.
Our incumbent Mayor Lee Greene has frankly failed his constituents. He made lofty promises during his first campaign to improve the crime rates of our city. And now here we stand four years later, with a bloated public safety budget and the same level of crime. He also completely swept the Greg situation under the rug, despite his being a huge threat to our community and generally a bad vibe.
More than 25% of the Buffalo community is affected by food inequity, an issue I care deeply about. I have started an urban gardening initiative, with my apartment being a test pilot for the program. Of course when I launched this program with a pizza party, Greg was the first person to get in line for a slice of pizza. Sort of ironic given we’re looking at a fair system for distributing food and Greg always seems to be the first person in line for pizza at these events. I am looking to expand this program as a creative solution to fair access to food for our community and Greg will be banned from any public family-style gatherings, especially when there’s Dom’s Famous Pizza involved.
Buffalo is one of the coldest cities in the US. That’s why I plan to work with homeless shelters to make sure everyone who crosses those doors has access to warm winter gear. Of course, I will also be making sure the coats are fashionable yet timeless so that no one has to experience Greg coming up to them and saying, “Oh cool! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a coat that color” What does that even mean? Does he not think winter jackets should be chartreuse? Surely he knew I was self-conscious about the huge fashion risk I was taking and drew attention to it to embarass me. No one should ever have to put on a warm winter coat and have their confidence knocked.
We have a parking crisis in this city. How do I know? Well, Greg asked me to stop parking in the handicap spot that his mother uses, even though I dug it out of the snow myself. If we address the dearth of parking in this city, I would be able to park in other spots and Greg would stop trying to embarrass me.
I mean who does Greg think he is? The parking czar of Buffalo?
As your mayor, I promise to work with city planning to get more parking structures in this city. And don’t worry—Greg won’t be able to park in any of them. If he so much as comes within 50 feet of these new structures his license will be immediately suspended and destroyed.
Mayor Greene was recently asked for comment by several credible journalists on his plan for Greg. All he responded with was “Is this Bob Garcko? You have to stop asking me about Greg dude. I don’t think anyone else has these issues and you should take it up with him. Please stop contacting me.” These are not the words of a man with a plan of action.
I have known Greg since grade school, so I have years of experience that my opponents simply lack. Greg is the type of person who will not let you copy his notes for classes you missed, leading you to fail your high school ceramics class. How else would you have known that you have to produce a ceramic by the end of the class to pass?
I was once told that forcing a man into exile is no longer a social practice and would be illegal and unenforceable. Shortly thereafter I decided to run for mayor of this fine town to fix that. Ultimately the fate of Buffalo is up to you, the voter. You can choose the status quo where Greg is free to run amok of our community, or you can be the change you want to see. I will not rest until that man is living in upstate wilderness and surviving on the land like goddamn Bear Grylls.