John 6:35
Jesus declared, “Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, because of this table I built. See that consistent grain?”
John 14:6
Jesus says, “I am the way, and the truth, the life, and the only carpenter worth their salt. No one comes to the Father except through me to say how I was able to replace the hex nuts in this chair with knurled thumb nuts, which some say is harder, so….”
Matthew 14:22-27
When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified… But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I, and the paddle board I sanded is sturdy enough for me. Judas wouldn't recognize the wood-fiberglass composite if it hit him in the face.”
John 3:5
Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God without being born of water, the Spirit, and the ability to tell oak from elm.”
Matthew 7:1
And Jesus said, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. Unless you’re talking about how Judas couldn’t even make a 2×4 plank flush with his other board. That’s literally carpentry 101, which I, Jesus, am overqualified to teach.”
Luke 17:14
When Jesus saw the lepers, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests. And while you’re there, have them tell you about the time I rebuilt their ceiling so that it was up to code.” And as they went, they were cleansed and appropriately impressed.
John 13:21
Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified, “Very truly I tell you, one of you is going to betray me. Probably because you’re jealous of my efficiency in building that cabinet, while Judas over there is still tinkering with his little birdhouse.”
John 20:27
Jesus, newly resurrected, said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Quiz me about carpentry. For example, you could ask what I need to add in between studs on a stud frame to strengthen the wall. Stop doubting and believe, because the answer is noggins.”
Matthew 27:3-4
When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the coupon for free carpentry 101 lessons. He never finished the birdhouse.