I’ve gotta tell you something (since I rehearsed this speech). Lately I’ve been straight up killing it (my will to live)! I’ve been going in there (dark places in my mind) and destroying it (crying)! I take no prisoners (except myself)! I’m like an animal (of prey) when I see what I want (a moment of solitude) I just go after it (cry more)! What else can I say (besides the truth)? I’m living (dying) it up (down)!
Hear me out (this is a cry for help), we’re not so different (you’re better). Despite appearances (the masks we wear) I was a lot like you once (now I’m worse)! Just look in the mirror at home (all of mine are broken) and take a dry erase marker (I sniff them just to feel something) and circle everything about your reflection that you want to change (one big circle). Start with small goals (making it through the day) and graduate to bigger ones (making it through the week)!
Pretty soon (years from now) you’ll start seeing results (things that came natural to everyone else)! (Don’t) Trust me! I (don’t) know what I’m talking about!
Okay I’ll admit it (the things I’m only comfortable saying out loud). I’m a life coach (scammer) and this isn’t a business pitch (yes it is) but if you’d like to receive my services (see, I told you) I’d be happy to help (lie until you start to catch on)! It’s a new thing I’m doing (poorly) for close friends (just you) and family (all estranged) so you’ll get a discount (upcharge) just for knowing me (the fake me). Let’s face it, we’ve all been there (I’m there right now) and whether we need a helping hand (to slap me across the face) or just a shoulder to cry on (I use mannequins from the department store dumpster) my service (common decency that’s normally free) covers it (if you cover the fee).
I want you to think (not too hard though) it over (because I can’t handle the imminent rejection right now) but before you think at all (and second guess our friendship), I want you to try some of the positive thinking methods I use (to manipulate myself). My favorite method is to reflect on the day that’s passed (by comparing it to something way better) and manifest an even better tomorrow (by anxiously scratching myself until I bleed) every night before (tossing and turning in my empty) bed. It really works! When I woke up this morning (at three a.m., screaming from a night terror) I said to myself (nobody else was around) what a great (terrible) day to be alive (despite my best efforts)!
The other positive thinking methods (like giving yourself a homemade lobotomy) are covered later in the course (that I’ll be making up on the fly). What’s the matter (besides the fact that I’m wasting your time)? Don’t think it’s possible (you’re absolutely correct)? Well you, my friend (bold assumption), are wrong (to listen to anything I say). Remember this (forget that this whole interaction took place), the best is yet to come (the sun exploding). You’ll see (me for the liar I am). It won’t be long from now (if you follow me home and watch my secret, sad life unfold through my windows). Everything could change tomorrow (if you catch me giving this same exact speech, word-for-word speech to a stranger).
Frankly, I can’t wait to see the day (I’m killed) when you’re out there (standing behind me with a piano wire) killing it (meaning me) the way I have (not been able to)! Now that will truly be something special.