Hey, so I know we haven’t talked since high school but I was just scrolling on Facebook, enjoying the single sliver of light that reaches my underground abode, and I noticed the great news you posted! Getting married! Wow! That’s so exciting! It really warms my heart to hear that kind of thing, even though I’m currently a sewer monster living under the streets of Chicago!
So tell me everything! Where’d you meet him? Is he someone I know? If he lives in Chicago, I might have seen him from the ankle down. I like to stand in the shadows of the city’s storm drains and watch all the shoes going past. I make up stories about where they’re going and imagine that some of them are actually my friends.
Oh, my gosh, he doesn’t have black leather shoes with brown laces? That would be wild if you were marrying Brown-Lace-Black-Shoe man!
Oh, green flats with white laces, huh? No, that doesn’t disappoint me. It’s fine. I’m sure he’ll make you very happy.
So where are you holding the wedding? Is it going to be in the sewers of Chicago?
Oh, well that also sounds lovely. Will there be a honeymoon? Will that be in the sewers of Chicago? You know, there are some really nice spots down here. Barely any unbearable stench at all. Of course, you have to run if you see any sanitation workers; the mayor has them all carrying stun guns now, so you have to stay out of their way. And okay, there will definitely be a little bit of an unbearable stench, but… oh, Bermuda? That’s nice too.
But tell me more about you! Do you have a job? Did you keep up with singing? Do you ever feel the warm caress of the sun’s rays on your shoulders? What color is the sun these days? Is it still bright? Have you seen any clouds recently? Are there still clouds? What shape was the last cloud you saw? What’s the most edible thing you’ve ever flushed down the toilet, and what catchment does your house drain into? I want to know everything!
Oh, me? Not too much, really. I’ve mostly just been haunting the sewers. Do I still talk to Liz and Sarah? No, not much these days. Last time I checked in with them, they still lived on the surface world, where I don’t dare to tread, so we’ve lost touch a bit. Grad school? No, I’ve mostly been wandering through grime, muck and darkness. Also, filth; there’s lots of filth around too. Oh, and I play beautiful music on the driftwood pipe I whittled with my sharp claws! Do you ever use your claws to whittle anything? Oh, you use knives? Yes, I remember knives.
You know, it’s funny actually, I was just talking about you with White Sneakers Woman. You’d really like White Sneakers Woman; she’s a real hoot. I was telling her all about that time we did that project together in Biology class. You remember that? I was just getting to the part where you realized one of them had escaped when she heard my voice, bent over and screamed in terror. Haha! Classic White Sneakers Woman!
Am I doing okay? Yeah, of course! Can’t complain at all; in this economy, being a sewer monster is a pretty good line of work. You get to wake up whenever you want to. Make your own hours. Lurk in the shadows. There’s all the small dead animals you could ever hope for. You don’t have to see the sun or the sky, ever. If you can steal a phone without getting stun-gunned, you can find out what your high school friends are up to. I’m livin’ the dream down here!
Oh, but that’s enough about me. No, seriously, that’s enough about me. I can’t risk you telling the mayor anything that might help him track me down. Speaking of which, I think he might be using the Find my Phone feature on this to send patrols after me, so I’d better sign off for now!
Great catching up! I’m sure the wedding will be beautiful!
If you can, try to flush me some cake!