It is the year 2011, which some obnoxious South African asshole has decided to give the name "2000-Heaven." This year will be an absolute hell for me for a number of reasons. I will no longer be able to show up on campus at 11:30 when the bars open and spend the whole day drinking cheap Heineken and devouring pizza slices. No longer will I be able to smoke a joint right before a test. And gone are the days of being the first and last person in the club on Thirsty Thursday nights. In essence, my soul will wither because Lyle cannot be Lyle for the first semester of University in South Africa.
And all this because I have to attend a wedding in the good ol' US of A. I am forced to be serious and behave in the manner of nerds, geeks, and other socially awkward people that society has banished to the depths of libraries and classrooms, for the sole purpose of coming to America.
So for the upcoming trip to Kansas City for my cousin's wedding, I have created an awesome list of things to do before I return to this country of mine.
1. Get randomly selected to be screened by security at airports.
This probably has something to do with me hooking up with a few Muslim girls in my time. Let's just say there a couple of girls that won't be in the virgin lineup for suicide bombers to choose from.
2b. Don't come back bloody or crippled.2. Get shot at by a Blood or a Crip.
I own plenty of red and blue shirts and have no understanding of US gang culture, so this should be a fun activity. I'm picturing being confronted by a group of blue people, all C-walking, and being asked, "What you doin' with all that dead on, Cuz?" on Martin Luther King Drive. That is where all the hood homies hang out right?
3. Get really fat from Micky Deez.
I just want to find out if that Super Size Me movie is 100% accurate. Also, through extensive research on PIC I have discovered that the ultimate meat-eating experience would be to devour a McRib. This mouth orgasm-inducing burger of cholesterol doom has yet to hit our shores. Mandela really should've asked Bill Clinton to hook us up during that meeting that one time.
4. Go to Vegas, get drunk, get married, get bounced, get arrested, lose $2000, get divorced, and have a hangover for 3 months.
This is the probably going to happen because I have been placed in charge of the bachelor party. I have got to hit Peppermint Phoenix or whatever that crazy strip club is called.
5b. Aim for the larynx.5. Kick Justin Bieber's ass.
Well, this speaks for itself.
6. Go to an NFL game.
Apparently Americans really enjoy this Madden-ing sport. I really want to see what this fourth down, field goal, Hail Mary stuff is about. All my NFL education has come from watching games on our whack, three-month-old ESPN broadcasts, and from Madden. If it wasn't for that "Ask Madden" option in helping to choose plays, I would have no idea what was happening.
7. Get a white girlfriend.
This will be surefire way to convince ignorant South Africans that I nearly got drafted to the NBA. We don't actually have a basketball league worthy of any attention, even though we have some sort of team that plays (and loses) FIBA matches. I was a baller for a few months a few years ago, but all that running, jumping, and shooting interfered with my drinking time and that, ladies and gentlemen, is totally unacceptable. In a country of far-reaching social imbalance, rampant unemployment, and economy-crippling poverty, nothing is more important than beer. By the way, we can get a six-pack of liquid gold for the equivalent of $7. Who said having a weak currency was a bad thing?
Allow Kid Cudi to explain.8. Smoke medicinal Mary Jane.
This is purely for the satisfaction of legally smoking weed. And seeing as I have no serious health issues that Maui Wowie can't cure, it will be illegal. This wonderful piece of judicial gold has not been seen for the awesomeness that it is in my country. I bet there is no feeling more satisfying than walking into a building and purchasing weed without fear of the usual drug dealing dangers. Most of the herb in RSA is procured and distributed by Nigerians. And not a single Nigerian can be trusted (no xenophobe).
9. Explain why Budweiser is a bullshit beer.
This is purely due to the fact that Budweiser was the only beer available inside stadiums during the World Cup. If any of you PIC people ever come to SA, try drinking one of the local beers. They taste like angel vagina and cost $1. The main local beer (which I have ingeniously called That-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named) has won several international beer awards. I wouldn't mind chugging some Corona though. Just to see what all the hype is about.
10. Help a stripper by contributing $6 dollars to a law school fund.
Hey, strippers are people too. It is totally acceptable to believe that "Candi – With an I" is working her way through law school. That is the exactly the type of lawyer I want representing me if (when) shit inevitably goes down in Vegas (see point 4). What's better than having a legal consultation and a lap dance for $20 dollars an hour?
11. Get seriously fucked up by a bouncer.
I am quite a skinny guy but I enjoy getting into fights. This is mainly because 6-7 of my friends will have my back and somehow we will stomp some motherfuckers up. Nonetheless, no trip to America is complete without having a 200-pound (is that a correct estimation of bouncer weight? This metric-imperial system conversion is way too confusing for my brain) stomp the shit out of you. I also want that Mortal Kombat voice guy to be around to commentate while I get my ass handed to me. The words "Kay-Cee wins! Flawless victory!" (see what I did there?) will forever stay with me and I will tell the story of ass-whipping to my great-grandchildren.
12. Steal jokes from Court Sullivan and Andrei Trostel, claim them as my own, use them at parties, and get laid.
There was once a very intelligent man who said, "Plagiarism is the highest form of flattery."
13. Play soccer for the L.A. Galaxy for one month.
First, yes, we do call the sport "soccer" in South Africa. You are not alone in this. Second, I hate to brag but when it comes to soccer I am the shit. And judging by the level of playing skill I saw from "Obama's Boys" during the World Cup, I am pretty certain I could make it big in the MLS. How much do those guys get paid?
14. Do a keg stand.
The physics of this form of college entertainment completely elude me. If it was not for college-centric TV shows and movies, I would never have known that this maneuver even existed. Do you really have to be upside-down to pull off this feat of alcoholism? How drunk does it get you? What brand of beer is in there? Why are the kegs so huge? The biggest keg I've seen around was approximately 5 kg's big. For those unfamiliar with the metric-imperial conversion, this equates to around 3.14 cubic tons.
15. Wear skinny jeans, talk in auto-tune, pop a bottle Cristal, and get down and dirty with Beyoncé.
15b. Refuse to acquire an Empire State of Mind.Even though this is basically the dream of every heterosexual African-American male (and some females), this is not out of desire; this is to exact vengeance on Jay-Z for tricking me into thinking he has retired, only to return shouting, "What you want me to do? I'm sorry!" That bastard completely Sixth Sense mind-fucked me, and for that I will not only do everything this man is trying to stop, but I will fuck his bitch and ruin the song "99 Problems" forever.
This is my ultimate bucket list for my trip to the birthplace of democracy. If anybody feels the need to be the Jack Nicholson to my Morgan Freeman, applications can be submitted immediately. It would be preferable if the applicant is female with amazing curves and includes "have amazing and plentiful sex with a South African" on her bucket list.