Ladies. Are you tired of making babies the old-fashioned way? What a hassle! Cramps? Bloating? Morning sickness? Getting fat? Who needs it? And nine months? Who wants to wait that long? And even if you do, what do you get? Just one lousy baby! Worst of all, you don't even get to decide how it will turn out! It's all random! What if you don't like it? You're screwed, that's what! You'll have to drop it off at your local baby recycling plant and try again! That's another nine months! And you'll still be fat!
"There's got to be a better way!"
Well now there IS a better way. With the new E-Z Bake Baby Clone Oven, you can design and create all the babies you want in less time than it takes to make an omelet! In fact, if you order within the next thirty minutes, we'll throw in a free E-Z Bake Omelet Maker! A $39.35 value!
My name is Brent Vanguard, and I've been given lots and lots of cocaine to tell you about this exciting new product! I'm very enthusiastic about it, and I can't seem to lower the tone of my voice!
Pictured: Enthusiasm!
With E-Z Bake Baby Clone Oven, you're in complete control! Decide exactly what your baby will look like, down to the very last detail! Choose from thousands of pre-made templates, or upload photos of your own! All designs are completely customizable! But it doesn't stop there! Choose your baby's gender, race, personality type, character traits, physical skills, mental ability, and more! Tweak their likes and dislikes, quirks and flaws, behavior and mannerisms, anything and everything! Make the perfect child, or a hideous circus freak! Make as many as you want! The only limit is your imagination!
Want a baby with blue eyes? You can do that. Blue skin? You can do that, too! Eight feet tall? Six arms? Horns and a tail? Hell yes! You can do anything with E-Z Bake Baby Clone Oven! Give it super powers! Give it heat vision! Make it fly! Make it breathe fire and piss lightning! Make it change colors like a chameleon, or turn into a helicopter like a Transformer! Each E-Z Bake Baby Clone Oven unit comes with a registered copy of Adobe Mutant Maker CS 7 software, an $8,000 value! Absolutely free!
Because why the hell not?
And just think of all the financial benefits of owning one hundred children… you'd be a welfare billionaire! Best of all, YOU decide their future! Start a sweatshop! Build a corporation from scratch! Raise an army! Think big! Create your own dynasty! You could be unstoppable!
Or just put them to work in the salt mines! Feed them to your dog! Use them as paperweights! They're disposable and 100% biodegradable! And with prices like this, you can just give them away to strangers at Christmas!
And it's so easy, even a child can use it! Just program the stats into the egg generator, add one packet of freeze-dried sperm, press the "COOK" button, and presto! You can tell all your friends, "I've got a baby in the oven!"
And who says it has to be a human baby? Choose from human, elf, dwarf, or halfling! Act now and we'll even throw in werewolf sperm! It's a child and a pet, all in one!
Thanks to E-Z Bake Baby Clone Oven, you'll never have to have sex* with your husband again!
*Note to lonely housewives: Brent Vanguard is here for your sexual needs. Brent Vanguard is devastatingly handsome and wealthy beyond belief. If you would like to get coked up and naked with Brent Vanguard on his yacht, please call now. Operators are standing by. Please note that Brent Vanguard cannot be held accountable for child support, now or in the future. The surgeon general has warned that sex with Brent Vanguard may be hazardous to your health due to his giant penis.