If Your Apartment Lease was Totally Honest

1. General Information
1. Rent – Rent is due by the 1st of each month, with a three-day grace period. Failure to pay rent on time shall result in a fine of $25 for every day after the grace period that rent remains unpaid. Also, we will allow the maintenance guys to use all late-rent residents as speed bumps for their golf carts.
2. Keys – Tenant will be provided with 2 keys, one of which will not work, and the other of which will only work after performing an elaborate lock ritual, the details of which the tenant must figure out. All locks are rekeyed between residents. Lol, jaykay!
3. Additional Charges
1. A community fee of $500 is due at the lease signing. This covers use of the STD-filled cesspit we call a pool, rusted out 70's gym equipment, moth-infested laundry center, picnic areas (*not liable for children dumb enough to play with the used syringes found there), and other facilities.
2. Because it is extremely difficult to file away your information as well as an extreme paper cut risk, we charge an office fee of $75, also due upon signing the lease.
4. Utilities – Tenant is responsible for all utilities, and shall be charged an additional $25 per month for use of constantly overflowing conveniently located trash dumpster. Not responsible for injury or death related to rabid raccoons that live in occasionally visit the dumpster and have developed a taste for human flesh.
2. Use of Facilities
1. Tenants may bring guests to the pool provided they comply with the following regulations:
1. All guests must fill out a 20-page form and provide their social security number, credit card information, and all other information necessary for our shady friendly office staff to assume their identity perform a background check per company policy.
2. After completing preliminary paperwork, guests must wait 24 hours to return to premises, at which time they may inquire as to their pool access status.
3. Access is always denied.
3. Pet Guidelines and Restrictions
1. Dogs must be leashed at all times. Failure to do so is considered an agreement for your pet to be grilled as part of our Friday night community gathering. This also applies to cats allowed outside. For this reason, we ask that you feed your pet a high-quality diet, preferably with no additives.
2. We do not currently allow any type of insect or spider as a pet. If you are found to be harboring cockroaches, earwigs, or any of the other things these apartments are infested with other pet we do not permit, you will be subject to eviction and charged pet rent for each month that you have occupied the residence.
4. Property Maintenance
1. As landlord, we provide the tenant with the following routine maintenance services:
1. Jack shit.
2. A few times a year we will fill all units with enough insecticide to kill an elephant, but before doing so we assure you we will do our best to convince you it is in no way toxic to pets and is completely safe to leave them confined in the apartment during the extermination.
2. As a tenant, you are expected to do the following:
1. Remove debris and/or trash frequently, including around patio and door where fallen leaves occasionally gather drunk college students throw their beer bottles on their way through five nights a week.
2. If in a first floor apartment, sweep up all trash and cigarette butts that fall onto patio from chain smokers on porch above.
3. If in a second floor apartment the gigantic cracks in the porch floor are intended for use as a convenient trash can, just don't tell the first floor residents we said so.
3. Concerning property damage requiring immediate attention:
1. If a ceiling leak is bad enough to qualify as a second shower, it is mandatory that the original shower be sublet with all earnings going directly to management to support our cocaine habit improvements to facilities.
2. Please note that many of the ovens we provide will burst into flames if heated above 250 degrees Fahrenheit. We acknowledge that this is a problem and the insurance we collect on it each year has financed the transformation of the back offices into a tastefully decorated opium den are working to resolve it in a timely fashion if only because people would notice if we expanded to the front office.
4. Concerning maintenance staff entering apartments:
1. Maintenance shall only enter apartments while resident is showering, and shall be standing in the hallway grinning as resident exits bathroom wearing only a towel when given permission in writing from resident or else only after confirming that resident is present by standing in bushes to look in window.
5. Noise Regulations
1. All televisions, music systems and any other devices that emit noise must be kept at a reasonable volume so as not to disturb other residents. Similarly, residents should use "indoor voices" and avoid making excessive noise anywhere on the property, particularly between the hours of 9pm and 8am. Should a problem arise related to this after hours, contact our main complaint office, which can be reached 24/7 at 1-800-We-Don't-Give-A-Shit.
1. If your problem with noise has to do with the crackhead in parking lot B, we aren't going to do anything because by some odd loophole he is a tax deduction contact local law enforcement; we are working together to resolve this issue in a timely fashion which is why it's been on the lease for 6 years straight.
2. Please ignore all screaming and/or pleas for help coming from behind the locked door in the laundry room. We assure you they deserve it. It is only a family of opossums, but they are rather noisy creatures.
6. Terminating the Lease Contract
1. Tenant must notify management of intent to leave premises a minimum of 5 years in advance of signing lease. Failure to do so will legally bind resident to pay rent for eternity.

By signing below, tenant agrees to fees and terms of lease contract and is legally bound to comply with all community rules and any new rules established by management during the lease half of which we make up while high just for shits and giggles.

Signature: __________________________ Date: ­________________

Welcome to apartment hell your new home!