"God, why is that guy is such a dick?!? And why do I always get dicked over?!?" Hmm… how many times have you riddled yourself that? The acts they commit are unspeakable, the actions they execute are incorrigible, and if anyone were to find that these unspeakable acts and incorrigible actions were in any way premeditated, the tolerance for them would be worn even thinner than the nearly tangible membrane that naturally divides what is good from what is evil. The barrier breaker I'm writing to you about today? The "Dick Move."
Dick Move #4396
Trying to re-open an elevator door as it has nearly completed closing. The problem is that you are in a lobby with at least three other working elevators, and you just inconvenienced five other people on this one… that was on its way upward until you re-opened it. Of course, you are a dick, so you try to make light of the situation by doing something goofy or making an attempt at a witty remark that conveys how you "almost missed making it onto this elevator." And you also requested to only go up one floor.
Dick Move #5019
Related Dick Move #2129: Tempting epic irony, regardless of the circumstances.You are about to park your 2007 Toyota Camry in a parking spot that will be imminently vacant (in this scenario, you aren't the dick). You wait, you signal to others in the lot that you are waiting, and as soon as the car you've been patiently waiting for vacates this soon-to-be-open spot, some asshole in a BMW slides right in…. What a pretentious dick!
Dick Move #3367
You and Catherine have been dating for six months now… oh.. sorry about that… seven months. Anyway, none of that really matters to this dick currently talking to her—yeah, the one who's about to cock-block you from your very own girlfriend. Who invited this guy? You're not sure how you even know him, but he doesn't really seem to care who you are; he's trying to woo your girlfriend.
What's that stink? Oh yeah, two heading for her pink.We're not talking friendly, casual conversation here, we're talking over-the-line touching of the small of the back, and him ordering drinks for your girlfriend. And you are far from being the "delusional boyfriend" here (worrying about this perception is the only thing keeping you from ripping this toolishly advantageous asshole's face off). Before long, he's going to try to pull her out to the dance floor. And then it will become time for you to be a dick without being the prototypical "jealous boyfriend." Good luck with that… because of Duane the Dick over here, you have to stoop to his level, and endure a cab ride hearing a one-sided argument about how you could be a better boyfriend, how your girlfriend's girlfriend's boyfriends would never act like you did, and how you owe that Dick from the bar an apology because he's such a "nice guy." He was a wolf in sheep's clothing, and you know it… and you just became victim of Dick Move #3367.
* * *
So how does a man know if he's the victim of another man's dick move? And if he knows, how does he avoid being victimized in the first place? Well, shortly after it happens, do you say to yourself, "Man, that guy is such a dick!"? If this is accurate to your recollection, then you were easily the victim of a dick move. 100% of the battle is separating a dick move from a non-dick move.
It's a dick move's spontaneity, combined with our usual faith in humanity, that makes it so much more emotionally disturbing. Now, to combat a dick move? Well that right there is the $64,000 question. You can refer to the homeless man's speech in Team America: World Police concerning dicks, pussies, and assholes. But the remedy calls for being an asshole to counteract a dick… and nobody likes an asshole. My recommendation? Confront and avoid. Odds are the dick is also a moron, so you're not going to get through to him. The best thing he can do for you is make you realize how intelligent your friends really are based on their honest level of acceptance of him.
Dick moves can be executed by dudes of all sizes, shapes, and ability levels. Therefore, dick moves and their executors are not always easy to spot. Most times, the realization of what had just occurred is the only knowledge you'll ever have of a dick move. Like a 49-year-old fitness expert suffering a life-altering heart attack, the onset of a dick move is usually equally as acute as it is alarming.
You can't exactly sneak up to your father's attic and uncover a "Hidden Dick Move Treasure Map." As far as guides go, this right here is probably your best resource. Dick moves tend to surface out of nowhere; in fact, it's their spontaneity, combined with our usual faith in humanity, that makes them so much more emotionally disturbing.
Since I really haven't solved much of anything besides heightening your dick move hindsight, how about some more examples of dick moves from the "Man Manual?" Okay!
Dick Move #6789
Saying anything possibly inappropriate about Native Americans. For one reason or another, I'm sure that we can all agree that this is usually a dick move.
Dick Move #0097
Why does your bathroom smell like shit? You just got home from a long day of classes, studying, and washing dishes at Chipotle. You definitely did not want to come home to this. After about 4 to 5 minutes of investigative dorm room observation, you deduce that your roommate has let someone "de-deuce" in the private confines of YOUR bathroom. Letting some stranger empty his insides in your bathroom is just not kosher. In fact, it's a dick move.
Dick Move #8550
It's the latest and craziest summer blockbuster yet. People are leaving their families behind to go see this. Well, except for you—you brought the entire crew (and in this colorful scenario, you're the dick!), including your 2-year-old tantrum-prone son. Before the end of the previews, he's screaming incessantly, and doesn't show any sign of stopping.
Do you get up and walk him around in the lobby in an attempt to soothe him? No. Do you show courtesy for others by leaving the movie theater? No. Do you possess the foresight to not bring your ornery little toddler to a public place that demands silent behavior? No you certainly don't… because you're a dick. You sit through the movie and weather the storm of shushes and showers of buttered popcorn… possibly in an effort to make yourself superior to other dicks, and more than likely tightening the blinders on your outlook on life. The ushers probably won't remove you until most of the moviegoers have walked out… and that's a shame. In case you haven't noticed, movie theaters don't have crying rooms, so get a goddamn sitter, dick.
* * *
Taking harmony for granted is what makes the dick move feel so acutely crushing and simultaneously acceptable by the offending party. Maybe we shouldn't complain about this—after all, life could be a lot harder—but then again, life could be a lot better, and we should stand up to each and every dick move perpetrated upon us.
They say that true friends "stab you in the front." But I beg to differ. If your friend stabbed you in the heart, we'd consider that to be one hell of a dick move.
Dick Move #1096
Let's hope you have the shittier car in this standoff. The refusal to let you (the driver) into a merge lane after exiting an off ramp. Enough said.
Dick Move #7651
Your housemate pushing down the raised red flag on your residential mailbox shortly after you leave for the day, and well before the mailman makes his round.
Dick Move #5300
"Hey can I borrow the keys to your car?" (1 hour later) "Hey man… there's something wrong with your car."
Dick Move #4343
You're at a concert, and it's pretty good. The drinks and controlled substances are flowing, and you're really getting into it… but not as much as that piece-of-shit tool shed about two rows behind you. He's singing the words to every song, spilling beer on you and everyone around you, and demanding to hear a song that this band hasn't played since their days in the garage. The sum of these actions adds up to Dick Move #4343: "Amphitheater Asshole."
If you were attending a comedic play in 150AD at an ancient Roman amphitheatre, then sure, we get it. Otherwise, sit down and shut up. Is there light at the end of this tunnel? Yeah, it's called the anal sphincter. Just kidding… in fact there is… but it's a little on the blue and bittersweet side…
Not all dick moves are heartless… some can actually be cruelly funny.
Funny Dick Move #0159
So here it is, "The Upholstery Prank." Your roommate has a leather/faux leather couch. While he/she is away, tear the upholstery off the couch by any means necessary. The cruder the job appears afterward, the better. Just remember to retain large contiguous pieces of fabric. With this removed fabric, and possibly the aid of a sewing machine, turn the fabric into an outfit. For example, if the couch is leather, then this is going to be a great prank. Imagine the scenario: your roommate comes home from a long day, discovers that his/her couch is fucked up beyond recognition, and just after that, you greet them in passing… while wearing leather chaps and sleeveless jacket obviously composed of their couch leather.
So there you have it, a smattering of socially uncool things to do or encounter in everyday life. A collection of dickheaded maneuvers that almost all of us are aware of and contribute differing amounts of sympathy toward. Stay tuned for more Dick Move Dichotomy.