There are moments in life that go beyond awkward and embarrassing and reach the point that you have to go home and either bury your head in your pillow or laugh like a madman while abusing yourself in whatever way you see fit. Some of these things only happen to women, such as having your skirt stuffed into the back of your underwear while out shopping, or going to a bar with your mom and watching her getting more male attention than you. Some of them only happen to men, such as not noticing a urine stain on the front of your trousers, or pretending to know about soccer before realizing you've been calling them “Arsenal United” for 45 minutes.
Bumping into an ex you haven't seen or spoken to for ages, however, is one of those embarrassing moments that happens to both sexes. Unless your ex is one of the few you're (sort of) friends with, at best it will lead to a slightly stifled conversation, and at worse it will cement the fact that you will never ever be friends again. And it's always worse if the ex is with their new partner. Earlier today I was wandering through my hometown when I walked through a door and accidentally came face to face with an ex I hadn't seen in over a year and her new boyfriend.
As soon as this happens you have three options:
- Completely ignore them and press on with your journey.
- Say a brief hi and nod/false smile but don't stop walking.
- Stop and chat.
If my ex found out what I was carrying, within minutes there would be rumors flying around that I dress up like a woman. As a mature, reasonable, and generally-keen-to-meet-new-people kind of man, I naturally went for the first option and tried to make my way past the happy couple and get into the nearest shop. Unfortunately, the nearest one happened to be one a key cutting shop. Nevertheless, I suddenly became the most avid fan of keys and those little house name signs that they sell… until I heard something that shook me to the core.
“Tom!”
Now I know this girl, and the only reason she wouldn't have done the exact same head-down-walk-quickly evasive move that I did was if she had something or someone she wanted to show off to me. So knowing I was about to turn around and be introduced to Brad Pitt, I quickly did a once over of myself in my mind. All things considered I thought I looked pretty good. But there were three major problems that were about to make me look like a complete tool.
1. My Face
Not just my general face—she had already put up with that for plenty of time in the past so she could hardly begin to complain now—no, the problem with my face on that day was that I had finally gotten an electric shaver for Christmas, one of the ones with 56 different blades with names that sound like a state of the art car or dildo. However, I hadn't quite gotten the hang of my space age razor, and I had what could only be described as a gash above my upper lip, making me look like a sort of bloody Hitler. I had also been in a rush and not shaved much over Christmas, what with not having any work. This, coupled with my inexperience with the blade, had led to small clumps of stubble (or fluff, to be more accurate) all around my chin. I looked like a Yeti who was late to start developing.
2. My T-Shirt
Nothing was actually wrong with my t-shirt; in fact it was one of my favorite ones. However, I was very aware that it was a t-shirt she had bought me for my birthday. This will only apply to men, but you know when you start going out with a girl and she buys you lots of clothes (with your money) and says things like, “This will look really good on you” and, “This would go great with those jeans we bought last week”? Essentially what they're doing is trying to change you. It doesn't really make sense, because if they didn't like the way you dressed then why the fuck did they go out with you in the first place? For the record, the reason I say this only applies to men is not because I'm sexist, it's because the only clothes men buy their girlfriends are underwear, and I doubt you ladies would start panicking if you bumped into your ex-boyfriend and realized you were wearing the thong he bought you for Valentine's Day 2009.
3. My Shopping Bags
The contents of my carrier bags were four frozen mice for my pet snake, some coleslaw (which I have recently become addicted to), a copy of Loaded magazine (my hobby during January while I attempt to quit smoking is to buy as many non-porn magazines with naked women as possible), and an item of undisclosed women's clothing (an unwanted Christmas present I was returning to a store for my mom). All innocent items, but in my head I figured if my ex found out what I was carrying, within minutes there would be rumors flying around that I dress up like a woman to masturbate while tucking in to a nice mouse salad.
Suddenly I realized about 15 seconds had past and I still hadn't turned around. She had also said my name again. I wondered if I could get away with pretending I was my brother. Or a Mexican. Or Prince. Then I felt someone grab my elbow and spin me around before I had had time to compose a “cool” face, so I actually had my mouth hanging open. Great start.
“Hi Tom.”
“Hi Rachel.”
“How are things?”
“Really great. You? Did you have a good Christmas?”
“Yeah it was good. What are you doing in town?”
“Uhh, just hitting the sales.” (I am an extraordinary good liar.)
“Us too. Oh Tom, this is Doug.”
“Hi, how you doing?”
What followed was the strongest handshake ever performed as we both tried to out masculine each other. Clearly, all he was thinking about was the fact that I used to dip my wick in his girlfriend, so he had to look better than me at all costs. All I was thinking was, “Please don't notice the t-shirt,” and, “I really need to get home before these mice defrost.”
Anyway, after the handshake I said I really had to be going and sped off, thinking I had gotten away with the aforementioned three things before realizing I now looked like the sort of guy who just likes browsing key shops without buying anything. Because if I ever do lose my keys I really want to be sure what model I would get. Maybe a nice silver one with a rounded hilt.
Once I got home that night I had an email from my ex (we blocked each other on Facebook to help the breakup). It went as follows:
Hellooo You,
Was great to bump into you today. Sorry if things were a bit awkward between you and Doug. Just thought it would be worse not saying anything as he has seen pics of you and stuff so knows who you are.
Cannooott believe you still wear that t-shirt I bought you. So many memories from back then. Do you still think of me when you wear it? We should really meet up for dinner soon! Notice you still haven't learned to shave properly lolz!!!!!
Also I never knew you liked coleslaw. Sorry for being nosy I just could see it through your shopping bag.
Anyways I gotta go. Doug is cooking me dinner, then we're going to watch a show in the city. Give my love to all your little friends.
Ciao for now!
Rachel
Xx
I simply emailed back the following:
I can't believe I ever went out with someone who spells hello with three O's.
I would love to go out for dinner with you but unfortunately I'm currently on a diet consisting solely of baby mice and coleslaw to help me overcome my porn and transvestite addiction.
Ciao for now!
Tooom