You're probably here right now as a final Hail Mary in procrastinating college preparations. (Dude, eventually you have to tell your parents that you failed school and want to take improv classes. They'll understand.) Since you're on a non-porn site, even the reliably delightful hentai octopus has lost its luster. Lately, those slimy tentacles squiggling up a chick's hoo just remind you that in a few short weeks, you'll have to masturbate around your roommate's schedule. Or when he's (probably) asleep.
So maybe you should just get to packing already. But wait! Throwing your shit in some suitcases is not as straightforward as it seems! According to a totally legitimate survey, the top mistake college students make (besides majoring in Communications) is packing stuff they don't actually need! So please, don't bother bringing any of the following items to school.
1. Condoms
The guitar is a useful prop for smug hipster girls who like posing in thick-framed glasses for black and white photos.When Johnny Abercrombie has you positioned on the puke stained dryer in the basement of a freshman dorm, you don't have time to maneuver a rubber onto his wilting whiskey dick. You gotta cram that thing in fast before the Everclear takes full effect! And if the lady isn't on The Pill, it's her fault! That's what Obamacare is for, right? Well, besides posting pseudo-political Facebook statuses.
2. Stationery
Let's be honest. What are you going to write to your parents about? All the unprotected sex you're having? With yourself? In front of a flickering hentai octopus as your roommate looks on in horror? Your parents probably don't want to hear from you anyway. It makes it harder for them to lie to their friends about how you're a pre-med lacrosse star.
3. Guitar
Admittedly, this instrument is not a completely useless accessory for the 92% of students who own one but cannot play it. Guys can strum a few chords and hope girls will mount them before they stumble past the opening bars of "More Than Words." The guitar is also a useful prop for smug hipster girls who like posing in their thick-framed glasses and over-sized flannel for totally artistic black and white photos.
4. Anything You Can Steal
The Holy Grail: Find the bathroom stalls on campus that stack extra toilet paper rolls. Don't bother bringing dishes, glasses, and silverware when you can just swipe some from the cafeteria. Technically you're paying for them with your tuition, right?? Same goes for your roommate. She won't mind if you borrow her salsa, UGG boots, English essay, or boyfriend. (Really, Jennifer, I'm more upset that you used my peach schnapps to get him drunk. Enjoy the herpes!)
5. A Full Wardrobe
You never know when you might need that vintage polyester suit that you totally bought "as a joke," right? What if someone throws a crazy 80's party, and actually invites you? Listen, there's no point in packing your entire closet. You know you're going to wear the same hoodie and sweatpants 90% of the time.
6. Graduation Gifts
Alright, you stupid fucking freshman. Nobody will be impressed with the "memory book" your high school poetry club was obligated to make for every senior. You'll never even see these people again, and the flavored condoms they slipped in were just a gag gift—no pun intended. Seriously, no pun intended. Your poetry jerk circle was too stupid to get the double entendre.
7. Anything Nice
It will almost certainly get urinated and/or thrown up on at least once during the year.
With this handy list, hopefully you'll have a head start on the school year. And if you do fail out, don't write me a letter on that fucking stupid stationary your grandma gave you. It makes it harder for me to lie to my friends about how pre-med lacrosse stars lurks my column.