Around once a month my vital organs hold a general committee meeting where they invite all other major members of my body to voice any concerns they might have around a large round table with tea and biscuits. Of course this only happens when I am asleep and thus oblivious to said conversation. However last night by complete accident I left my nineties retro ghetto blaster on with a cassette on record and managed to hear the entire meeting. Here are the transcripts of what your body discusses about you on a monthly basis. I'll tell you what; I never knew I was so bitchy.
Brain: (sitting at the head of the table by the sign marked Chairman) OK I officially bring the 326th meeting of Mr Thomas Peter James Thomas Levi Eydmann to order. (A small round of applause) First things first. Hands, are you taking the minutes down?
Hands: Yes sir.
Brain: Excellent. Right then. Item 1. Does anyone have any praise to give?
Ears: I want to give a round of applause to the Mouth and Teeth department for finally getting him to floss on a regular basis. (applause all around)
Mouth: Thankyou kindly. I would also like to give a round of applause to the Eyes for finally achieving a new pair of glasses after a wait that seems like years. (more applause accompanied by chants of "hear hear")
Brain: Excellent. So a good month for the face all round. Next we have business from last month. Firstly, Stomach how are we doing?
Stomach: Err… OK. I think we are beginning to see some improvement.
Eyes: Bullshit! I have to look at him naked in the mirror every day and it's only getting bigger.
Mouth: I have to agree I'm afraid. We see some of the stuff that comes through us. Pizza, McDonald's. I can't remember the last time he ate an apple.
Eyes: I can't remember the last time I looked down and saw Penis or Feet! (lots of arguing breaks out before the sound of Brain banging a hammer)
Brain: ORDER! ORDER! Look, we're all in this together so let's help each other out. Legs, whenever he goes past a fast food restaurant I demand you to start running. Stomach, you will only rumble when he is next to salad and fruit. Mouth, you will start producing revolting flavours whenever he eats junk food. And if that doesn't work then I'm sorry but Penis you will have to start denying him erections. (stunned silence)
Penis: But you can't! We need–
Brain: What we need is for him to get in shape before he is a lonely fat 40-year-old calling up sex lines every night. Now….LUNGS! Would you please stop coughing or leave the damn room!
Lungs: I'm (cough, cough! splutter! etc) sorry. It just burns. I'm just going to get a glass of water. (sound of a door being opened and shut)
Brain: SO annoying. Liver and Kidneys, have you got your monthly report?
Kidneys: (groaning sound) Liver was supposed to be doing them. But we've had such a busy month. We need to take a holiday. (loud banging sound)
Brain: Arms, can you please pick Liver up off the floor and make him some coffee. OK. I'll see if we can get him an infection or illness so he can't go out for a while and you can catch up and get some rest. In the meantime you'll just have to grin and bear it I'm afraid. We all know the summer months are tough for you guys. (vomiting sound) Was that you, Liver? Well we'll have to clean it up after the meeting. OK onto the inevitable debate between Heart and Penis. Heart, what's your report for the previous month?
Heart: (sniffing) Nothing to report I'm afraid. We're still on our own. She'll never come back. I just feel so broken and alone. All I have to talk to are the Lung brothers and they just cough at me.
Brain: Oh man up mate and get a grip. If you and Penis communicated once in a while we wouldn't have this palava every month. Penis? PENIS! Will you do us the respect of taking your iPod off and try listening to the rest of your body occasionally instead of just acting on your own accord?
Penis: What's the problem? I have two jobs to do and I do them as well as I can. If you guys helped out occasionally and lost a bit of weight or sorted Hair out then maybe we would have a bit more luck with the ladies and Eyes wouldn't spend every evening having to watch increasingly filthy images on the internet.
Hair: Hey leave me out of this! I'm growing myself long. Once it's done we will be knee deep in–
Mouth: Oh shut the fuck up, Hair! Your making us look stupid. Eyes told me what you look like and Ears told me what everyone's been saying about us.
Ears: (quietly) Greasy long-haired prick.
Penis: And you're one to talk, Mouth! If you stopped trying to be so fucking funny all the time and actually charmed a girl and god forbid kissed her, then I would see a lot more action and maybe we could get some regular sex and eventually some kids. Isn't that right, Testicles?
Testicles: Too right. Three times last month you lost us out on some definite sex with your stupid impressions.
Brain: Look this is getting us nowhere. I'm putting my foot down. Hair, go and have a shave. Penis, I insist you and Heart spend some time together and start working as a team like Ears and Eyes do or Liver and Kidneys (more vomiting sounds from Liver in the corner) Mouth, I want weekly reports on all conversations with women and don't try and blag them as Ears will grass you up. Where's Bottom?
Knees: Outside. He isn't smelling too great today so we locked him out with Arm Pits.
Brain: Fair enough; I've got a banging headache as it is without him farting his way through the meeting. How's he looking by the way? He's the only thing Eyes can't see so it wasn't in the report.
Ears: A lady in a nightclub pinched him and wolf whistled last weekend.
Brain: Well that's good enough for me. Well unless anyone has any other business I'm sure we'd all like to get on with our evenings. What's he got planned for tomorrow incidentally?
Penis: I think we're just jerking off before his date on Thursday.
Eyes: I think he's going to the cinema actually.
Stomach: Ooh what's he seeing?
Ears: Terminator double bill. (cheers go up all round the room)
Brain: Excellent. That'll cheer you up, Heart. Right tomorrow night film and pizza party it is. Meeting adjourned. Let's get the beers in.
Kidneys & Liver: Oh God no! (more vomiting and groaning)
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