The Complete Lunatic's Guide to Cheap and Illegal Alcohol

It has been brought to my attention that sometimes people get sober. This is a shock to me. But the more I think about it, I guess someone has to stay lucid long enough to train those mice who tell me to cut break lines. And so I wracked my brains trying to figure out why people would be sober. The best I can figure out is that they drank all of their alcohol, and are now at a loss for how to procure more alcohol, because they spent the last month drunk, and now can't remember how to function in a complete society.

This is a sad, sad situation. And fortunately, as someone who can't even remember the concept of sobriety (ignore that I just discussed it in a previous paragraph. Remember, if you practice continuity, then the eagles. That is all), I am in a perfect position to teach about the fine art of kicking sobriety in the nads, and also to type that out to you while lying sideways on the floor of the basement that I live in. So strap in while I cover all the different things you can put in your mouth and/or ass and come out a better person.

THE CHEAPEST SWIL

These are the kinds of drinks that you can purchase legally, drink legally, and still go home and not spend too much time crying yourself to sleep over.

1. Kamchatka

They don't call it the bottling plant for nothing. Made from tepid pond water, fermented potatoes, and all of the depressed sexual repression the former Soviet Union has to offer, Kamchatka is perfect for the type of person who wants their beverage of choice to legally qualify as liqueur, but morally qualify as date rape.

And on the plus side, the impossibly generic label could easily be mistaken for a hundred other slightly more palatable brands that won't cause strangers to spit on you.

2. Mad Dog

Sold at only the finest septic tanks turned gas stations, Mad Dog is sold exclusively in the "40" variety, so named because that's about how many regrettable decisions you will make after getting drunk on Mad Dog. (I have been informed by my legal caretaker that the 40 may in fact reference the amount of liquid in the container. This was ignored, however, as my legal caretaker is a yam. Don't tell the police where you saw me!)

3. Moonshine

For the ultimate jarring effect.Do you have any friends who have a rusty bathtub in their backyard? If so, then they might use it to hide the bodies, and you might want to stop cheating at poker around them. BUT! If it smells strongly of petrol, then your friend may in fact be running a simple, at home brewery. Either that or he's making bathtub crank. But let's play in favor of the brewery on this one.

Moonshine is great in the fact that it's almost pure alcohol and that holy shit it's almost pure alcohol. I hear it can make you go blind. What? Does that make you scared, pussy? I would call you a pussy to your face, but unfortunately I can't see your face. Something to do with drinking a lot of moonshine.

While fist-fighting an eagle that gouged my eyes out.

So what exactly is moonshine, other than pure grain alcohol? Well, that's the second best part! (The best and coincidentally worst part about it is its use as a giant eagle pheromone.) It can have almost anything in it that you want! Think kerosene will give it that extra little kick? Bam! Top it off! Cocaine and gunpowder to give it that extra grit? Sure, why the sister-screw not?

Note: Please be aware that some hillbillies have been cutting their cocaine/gunpowder mix—collectively known as Man-Powder—with simple rust and toenails. And while this definitely supplies the necessary grit (West Virginian toenails are especially gritty), it unfortunately cuts back on the kick that cocaine gives it, or the bragging rights that the gunpowder gives you (be a real man! Leave it in the gun while you drink it!).

So avoid this at all costs.

4. Jim Beam

Fuck you, The South, for thinking this is a drink that people consume willingly. This shit is billed as top of the line brake fluid but is in actuality just bottom shelf brake fluid with a reputation. Avoid at all costs.

5. Penny Store Beer

You know how when you were a kid your parents would bring you back toys from the dollar store (because they were poor and also didn't love you), and those toys were like cheap imitations of the ones that all of the cool, rich kids got from Walmart? Yeah, that sucked. But suck no more! Because unlike the Arachnid Guy's and G.I. John's that your parents forced you to pretend that you liked when Social Services came around, the knock-off beers of the world are actually enjoyable!

Granted, they taste like you made out with a corn stalk with a mouth full of pennies, but, hey, I didn't say they would taste enjoyable. But they will get you drunk. And that is enjoyable. Always.

Stocked by places like Big Lots, Penny Market, and all sorts of other places that seem to get much more crowded right near the beginning of the month, generic brand beers are the kinds of beverages that would probably qualify as a hate crime if your taste buds could get a hold of a lawyer; fortunately, I cut their phone lines. So you're welcome. I would recommend drinking these drinks out of a mug, or perhaps one of your lower quality pales.

Don't reach for the stars or anything.

FANCY DRINKS

Now, some occasions call for fancy drinks, like wine, or that one wine that's bubbly and has that "G" in the spelling that probably shouldn't be there. Perhaps you've met its cousins, Bologna and Colonel. And everyone keeps telling me that you aren't sup- Champagne. That's it. Champagne, is what that one drink was called. Fuckin' forgot it for a second. Had it up here the whole time though. Steel trap.

In theory you're not supposed to make your own by mixing 7-Up with rubbing alcohol, but you're also not supposed to fire road flares out of a slingshot at road flare factories.On a side note, I'm in the market for a new job. The last one had a problem with arsonists. Please ignore any burn holes in my suit when I show up to the interview. I smoke very large cigars.

So if you do need to attend a fancy event, then why shouldn't you enjoy it while pretending to know what the hell you're talking about. Look! These drinks have names!

1. Red Wines

They're the third largest export from Italy, after Al Pacino and [insert simple, cheap Jersey Shore reference here], and can be enjoyed with a number of different meals. Such as pizza. Pizza is the only Italian food I am aware of.

That being said, don't drink it. It tastes like pond water that an alcoholic bled into.

Also, did you know that wine is made out of old grapes? Yeah, I know, right? Pretty nasty shit. Like, someone's putting raisins into a juicer and getting off on charging like, four bucks a box for that shit. Wine is not the cheap alcoholic's way to go, no sir.

So, in the spirit of a true drunkard, I've attempted to create my own wine, using nothing but raisins I stole from the dollar store, and then mixing those raisins with the beer I also stole while I was at the dollar store. They should be ready after a couple hours of fermenting. I'll link the results to YouTube.

(Editor's Note: The "author" of this article is currently undergoing intense investigation from an international tribunal about the contents of the above mentioned sentence, so we will be unable to legally link to the video mentioned, as it is currently being used as evidence in said tribunal.)

2. White Wines

More or less red wine, minus the blood. And really, without the potential risk of HIV, why would you even bother? Am I right?

…unless you're that into drinking it, then I would recommend going with one of the sweeter ones. What are those called? So help me GOD if you think I am going to try and pronounce those words written on the side of anything, let alone wine bottles, then I am going to break into your house, steal your dog's girlfriend, poison your credit cards, and hide all but one of your forks. And I won't leave the good one.

Yeah, I don't like pronouncing French words. I don't really think they should exist. I wonder what the next entry on this list is…

…goddammit.

3. Cham… uh… fuckin'… Champaiyne… Chapmagnah… Chamgofuckyourself, learning!

Champoo is the drink that you tried when you were nine, because it looked like that Welches sparkling grape juice you like so much. Only this was the kind that all of the grownups drank, and you were a grown up, dammit!

Well, you sure tossed your organs out like a grownup, champ! Because even though it tasted like licking a foot (a French foot), and for some reason you know what that tastes like, you drank the whole bottle. And since your parents were into all of those progressive parenting fads, like not letting their kid get "Prohibition-Era Hill People" kind of drunk, you couldn't hold your alcohol. Specifically, you couldn't hold it in your mouth while you were over a toilet.

So, all of those fond memories aside, I would actually recommend this drink above most of the other fancy drinks out there. Its container can be used as a weapon.

UNCONVENTIONAL ALCOHOLS

Okay, here's where shit gets serious. Maybe a little NSFW. It's cool though. I won't tell if you won't.

It turns out there a lot of everyday products that are just chock full of magic happiness (this is how I refer to any substance that may put me in the position to have a judge write a new law specifically for something I did the night before), and most of them you can get at a local store. Sure, they may have those pesky little labels like "Not intended for human consumption" or "Seriously, jackass, don't put this in your mouth," but those are just words. And did you know that words can't arrest you for anything? So put these things in your mouth!

1. Cough Syrup

Dude. Dude, you can buy this bullshit at Walmart and they won't even look at you funny for buying it. Unless you get like, thirty bottles at once. Then they might look at you funny. Just tell them your giraffe has a sore throat.

If they don't laugh, kill them.

2. Nyquil

Like the aforementioned cough syrup, you can get this shit anywhere. And it has 10% alcohol content, so, you know, a bit on the light side of being a total pussy, but if you're a real man who grows his pubic hair out of his face, you can always mix it with…

3. Disinfectant

Your mom used to put this on your knees when you scraped them falling to the ground, because your mom hit you with sticks. Sometimes she put it in your eyes if you were really bad.

…Your mom did this too, right?

And what better way to wipe the memories from your mind then swilling back the very substance that helped cause all of those therapy bills?

Also, I need to be more open with my feelings.

4. De-Greasing Compound

Okay…we, uh, might be getting into the slightly heavier stuff now.

Primarily used to strip motor oil off of heavy machinery, most de-greasing compounds have the unintended side effect of being able to start a killer party!

5. Aftershave

Alcohol is expensive. Hell, even in Russia, where every tap dispenses only the purest of pure vodka, alcohol can be difficult to obtain. (Because Russia is 1% Moscow, and impossibly 118% frozen hell.)

So what is a comrade to do? Well, grab your razors and get ready to have some fun! (Note: Do not actually grab any razors. You're about to get silly kinds of drunk, here.)

Turns out that in Russia, they take their "getting trashed on aftershave" with a touch of class. Since alcohol is pretty expensive over there (inconsistencies in my writing for the eagle-eyed readers!), some people choose to drink the sorts of things that I suggest in my articles! Without me suggesting it! That's actually kind of sad!

But at least they do it with a touch of class. The aftershave they drink to avoid steep taxes comes bottled to look like it's in an actual vodka bottle. That makes it okay, right?

6. Changaa

Oh boy. Oh boy. Here's where it gets good.

Changaa is a drink that is rarely found outside of Africa (Kenya, specifically) and for what reason that may be, I cannot even begin to fathom. I mean, shit, man, the stuff reads like a checklist of the most manly ingredients ever.

Ingredients often found in Changaa include…

• Ethanol
• Formaldehyde
• Methanol
• Battery Acid
• Gunpowder
• Cocaine
• Jet Fuel

And no, I am not in any legally binding sense joking. Sure, it may have some pesky side effects, like, you know, abso-fucking-lutely murdering the shit out of the people who drink it, but hey, that's probably only a temporary side effect from all of that jet fuel. Again, I can't stress that enough. Jet fuel is considered a legitimate additive to this stuff. Fucking jet fuel.

* * *

I was gonna keep this going for a little while longer, but Delta is telling me that there's only one flight left to Kenya in the next week, and it leaves in a couple of hours, so I have to get going if I'm gonna catch it.

So, um, thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed the article (and that you're blisteringly drunk), but I have to go.

I wonder what kind of drinks they have on the plane…

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