In case you don't know (likely) or don't care (even more likely), the winningest pitcher of the St. Louis Cardinals' 2012 season makes his return to Busch Stadium the Third (the only stadium with a trust fund and a ski-lift pass) tonight at 8 PM Eastern against the Milwaukee Brewers.
Because it is unseasonably cold here in the river city, and because I lack the funds necessary for a proper social life, I will be live-blogging tonight's game. Check back for updates as my lame Friday night continues. Mock my lame jokes and help me count my beers. Baseball is back baby, and with it comes that grand tradition nobody likes: me, without proper editing.
That sound you didn't hear was me popping beer number one. Tonight's beer is Budweiser, in tribute to Stan Musial, whose number will be marked on all of today's game balls. That's right, tonight is the night we honor the late Stan Musial, whom I never saw play but whose statue I touched after I saw my first Cardinal win live, a tradition I continue because I am borderline insane. I even make my nephews and nieces keep said tradition alive because what fun is insanity if you can't spread it around?
Stan's whole family came out for this. I'm glad no one in my family ever did anything so awesome that it requires me to give up my Friday night and stand around and watch Navy dudes unveil a plaque. I hate plaques.
Stan Musial was never ejected from a game. He is remembered as one of the nicest guys to ever play the game and the classy Midwesterners who flip off Brandon Phillips really value that kind of politeness.
The Musial family just got handed a bunch more plaques. I hope for their sakes that they have plenty of wall space but somehow I doubt it. Those plaques are going into storage until such time that they can discreetly be sold on E-Bay.
Musial's retired number six is on the balls, on the left sleeves of the players and cut into the outfield grass. In honor of this game, I shaved my pubes into a 6. No lie.
Okay, I lied.
And the Cardinals take the field! Shelby Miller is tonight's starter and before you ask, yes he is from the South. People named Shelby are always from the South. It's a rule.
Aoki leads the game off with a basehit up the middle which is followed by Shelby Miller striking out Segurra on a high fastball. Ryan Braun comes up and steroids a swinging strikeout. Shelby looks good, which is good (I am a smith of words). Rickie Weeks, the fourth batter of the inning and NORML supporter steps up to the plate, muscles a few foul balls and watches the little Japanese guy steal second. These things happen. Weeks sees something like three hundred pitches, works the count full and then finally strikes out. Dreadlocks looking good though, Rickie. Looking real good.
And there is Kyle Lohse. There's something not so special about facing a former player and that something can best be called: heyIknowthatdude.
Jon Jay flies out to right on the first pitch because the last thing you want you leadoff hitter to do is see a lot of pitches. Matt Carpenter pops out and takes a moment to reflect on how random existence really is. Matt Holliday, of the way-too-prematurely-bald Hollidays, rips a basehit. Allen Craig, who wishes he was taller, flies out to Steroid Braun and after one inning, one inning is over.
As we start the second inning, Jonathan Lucroy finds himself in the batters box (which is where he does his best flying out) and flies out. Alex Gonzalez (no the other one) just got nailed by a fastball. He could have charged the mound but it's so far away.
Next up is is Carlos Gomez (no the other one) who strikes out looking because swinging takes effort. Yuniesky Betancourt is at the dish now, swinging at everything because it's cold and ain't nobody got time for this. He grounds out to first base because there's less running that way.
Carlos Beltran is up. His little toe hurts. On a related note, I have an irritating cold sore (as opposed to those cuddly cold sores). Beltran breaks his bat into a basehit which always looks so cool. Yadier Molina, winner of the Platinum, Gold, and Stainless Steel Glove, flies to Steroid Braun who dives in an effort to drop the ball. Runners at the corners for the Redbirds. Hometown hero and really bad driver David Freese singles in a run and it's looking good in the Third Busch tonight. Pete Kozma, who could give two shits about what you think about him or even if you think about him, strikes out looking on a pitch out of the strike zone but does not complain because emotions are best left back at the dojo. Shelby Miller, pitcher, southerner and man holding a bat hits into a double play because he's a pitcher and what do you expect?
On to the third inning. The Cards lead 1-0.
Kyle Lohse comes to the plate and gets a standing ovation because, you know, he's alright. The announcers take the time to kiss the fans' asses, a St. Louis tradition since 1946.
Lohse chops to Kozma who throws to Craig who throws it around the horn even though it's cold because tradition.
And Aoki is back! I wonder how he feels about North Korea. By the way, I just popped beer number two.
Aoki grounds to Kozma who's used to it. Segurra grounds to seconds baseman Matt Carpenter just to mix things up. Shelby's thrown way too many pitches but he still looks good.
And that's good.
Hey, it's Jon Jay again. I remember him. He strikes out on pitch that hits him which always feels extra bad because, you know, not only did you get hit, you got out doing it.
Carpenter grounds out to second so as not to be in Matt Holliday's way. He's nothing if not considerate, that Matt Carpenter.
Holliday flies out to Aoki and that inning kind of sucked. On to the fourth. We're like a third of the way done with this.
And yes, I am aware it's Friday night.
Shelby Miller faces Ryan Steroid FedEx Braun and strikes him out on a breaking ball so Rickie Weeks can ground out to third without feeling like he wasted an opportunity. And now Jonathan Lucroy comes to the plate, settles in the box and has to leave before he really gets comfy because he grounded out to Miller.
As we go into the bottom of the fourth, let's take some time to remember what's really important in life.
Now that that is over with, let's watch Allen Craig ground out to Jean Segurra (which sounds like a brand of Mexican tobacco products). Carlos Beltran and his hurt toe loop a flyball out to the little Japanese guy who's probably all for the destruction of North Korea. Yadier Molina takes time off from polishing his many metal gloves to to rip a one hopper to third and end an inning.
Ah, baseball.
If you are the kind of person who wants a McDonald's McWrap, you are not the kind of person who planned on being at McDonald's.
Pitch number 76 for Miller (to start the fifth) misses outside to someone named Blake Lali who is in this game because I have no idea (these announcers in St. Louis prefer to babble on about the good old days instead of announcing). Anyway, Blake grounds to Kozma because all the kids are doing it and Carlos Gomez sees ten pitches before finally having the decency to strike out. Miller is at 89 pitches and 22 years old. He is not long for this game.
Betancourt joins the cool kids and grounds to Kozma who simply does his job and asks to be left alone afterwards, like a hooker.
Freese leads off the inning by flying out to right field and Kozma follows that act by ripping a basehit to left because like whatever. Miller bunts and Kozma surprises the hell out of everyone by advancing all the way to third because no one's covering third because this is apparently a Little League game.
Jon Jay grounds out to end the inning because there is no climactic like anti-climactic.
And ah one and ah two and ah one two three inning for Shelby Miller.
Okay, now Stan Musial liked to play the harmonica. So everyone in the stadium got free harmonicas and are playing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" horribly. As someone who can play the harmonica, I have to say that some ideas just seem better before they are actualized, like chocolate covered fried chicken. Anyway, touching moment. We love you, Stan (and yes, I just popped beer number three).
Matt Carpenter starts the bottom of the sixth of a one run game by lining a ball off SS Jean Segurra who picks it up and throws him out. Holliday flies out to Aoki who seems really sweaty for such a cold night. Craig breaks his bat but grounds out to third. Lohse has settled in. You can tell by the Lazy Boy he popped up behind the mound.
No lie.
Okay, lie.
Shelby gets Steirbraun and then Brother Tom calls because we have to hook up my dad's computer tomorrow and now I'm sidetracked. Okay, two outs, Lucroy at the plate, full count, Shelby at 735 pitches and a flyball to Holliday ends the inning. The last guy to get a hit off Shelby was the first guy to bat and this is where the pitch count vs. quality outing argument takes off. We need runs so we can avoid said argument. And I need to pee.
That peeing thing worked out for me and Lohse got Beltran to fly to center.
HOME RUN YADIER MOLINA!
Cards lead 2-0 and we have breathing room, which is located just off the kitchen and features an oxygenated water bong.
And by the by, that homerun ball was embossed with a number six, flew over a number six on the outfield wall, after crossing a number six mowed into the outfield, hit by a guy with a number six on his sleeve. I think you know what I'm getting at.
Yup, Satan.
Kozma grounds out to end the inning and here comes the bullpen.
Al Hrabosky calls himself the Mad Hungarian but he is not, in fact, Hungarian. Chew on that.
Trevor Rosenthal comes into the game to pitch the eighth and Daniel Descalso comes in to play second, moving Carpenter to third, removing Freese from the game and allowing Descalso to bat in the ninth spot. This is called a "double switch" first made popular by a really angry parent back in the pioneer days.
Rosenthal gets the first batter to fly out because he's friends with Shelby Miller and wants to see him be successful.
Betancourt bats with two strikes, two outs and empty bases and pops out because God is good and he loves me.
As we go to the bottom of the eighth, we take time to remember that Stan Musial got the same number of hits at home as he got on the road. That is coincidence. I mean consistency.
Okay so I mean both.
Descalso flies out to the Carlos Gomez who plays CF for the Brewers. Jon Jay grounds to second. Rough Day for Jon Jay sounds like it would be fun to say but it's not.
Matt Carpenter's at bat is not interrupting the conversation between announcers Dan and Al. But why should this part of the game be any different.
Carpenter grounds out and we head to the ninth inning to watch a guy with a beard throw hard.
Mitchell Boggs, a catcher who is now a pitcher, a set-up man who is now a closer: he contains multitudes.
(It's not a baseball piece until you reference Walt Whitman. Baseball is poetry.)
Boggs gets a groundout and then, because this game didn't have a walk, walks Aoki. Segurra comes to the plate and I think he smells fear.
Yup. Fear it is. Basehit. Two on one out for the league's most valuable anabolic steroid user.
Boggs gets Braun. And everyone is nervous. Like, waiting for the test results nervous. Two on, two out, two to nothing for Rickie Weeks. Locks vs. Beard. Who you got?
And it's beard. It's almost always beard.
In honor of the memory of Stan the Man Musial I think I should tell you that the Cardinals won with six hits exactly.
You know what I'm getting at?
Yup, Satan.
Thanks for joining me. It was fun doing this again.
