“Welcome back to CNN. If you’re following the developing situation, you know that The Joker has filled a zeppelin with explosives and is reportedly planning on flying it into the estate of local billionaire, Bruce Wayne. Here to explain the Joker’s position is his PR Manager, Kellyanne Conway. Kellyanne, welcome.”
“Hi, thank you Jim for having me here.”
“So, a lot of people are baffled by the Joker’s latest violent move—why attack an innocent billionaire?”
“Well I think that it’s important to realize that Mr. Wayne has kept a lot of secrets from the American people, secrets that Mr. Joker, frankly, feels they deserve to have answered. Secrets like what exactly happened to his parents anyway.”
“His parents were cruelly murdered in an alleyway decades ago, police reports confirm.”
“Exactly. And where was he during Alleyghazi? The people need to know.”
“But why fly an explosive zeppelin into his house, Kellyanne? Isn’t it absurd?”
“Well I think what we should really be concerned with is how Mr. Wayne has flown the ‘explosive zeppelin’ that is Wayne Enterprises into the ‘house’ of the American people?”
“Ok—uh—okay, thank you for— thank you for joining us Kellyanne, I think that will be enough.”
“Thank you for having me, Jim.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to CNN, thank you for joining us. Breaking news! At the six o’clock hour, Dr. Evil, escaped criminal mastermind, has launched a cruise missile at the sun, threatening complete extermination of life in the galaxy unless he is paid the sum of one billion dollars within 24 hours. Here to comment, from his PR team, Kellyanne Conway.”
“Hi, thanks again for having me, but I resent the charge that Dr. Evil has fired a missile at the sun. It’s exactly these sorts of baseless allegations that Dr. Evil has been campaigning against.”
“He has, though. In fact, we’ve been playing his video announcing the threat almost nonstop on our network today.”
“Well you know Jake, I think it’s clear that what Dr. Evil meant by ‘shot a missile into the sun,’ if he has really said what you’ve alleged, is that his nemesis Austin Powers has been meddling with his good work, shooting into it, without any sort of oversight. Mr. Powers was notoriously missing from the record from 1966 to 1999. So what I want to know and what the American people want to know is, where are those 33 MISSING YEARS?”
“Kellyanne, Powers is on record as having been cryogenically frozen, as was your boss at the same time. Come on, Evil is literally right in his name.”
“So is ‘Doctor.’”
“Okay, well that’s all the time we have. As always, thank you, Kellyanne.”
“My pleasure.”
“Thank you for tuning in, this is CNN, it is the nine o’clock hour, and Disney villain Jafar has just usurped the Sultan’s throne and become the genie. Here to comment is his PR head, Kellyanne Conway.”
“Hi Jim, let’s get right into things.”
“I agree. Your boss, Mr. Jafar—“
“Sultan Jafar.”
“Erm, Sultan Jafar, has become the genie himself in a quest to, and I’m directly quoting him here, ‘Become the all-powerful genie and destroy that meddling peasant Aladdin.’ He has also kidnapped the Sultan’s daughter, Princess Jasmine.”
“Okay, well I think what you’re missing here as you characterize the situation is you forgot to highlight how many jobs Jafar is creating in his new administration simply by purging the old Sultan’s entire palace. Recruiting for henchmen is already up 70%.”
“But Kellyanne, how can you sit there and justify his kidnapping of a singing princess?”
“When Jafar was elected—“
“He wasn’t elected.”
“Elected by god, I mean, he came in with the promise to ‘drain the oasis,’ and that includes royalty.”
“Okay, and what about how he started a feud with a homeless man named Aladdin?”
“I’m sure when he tweeted those threats, it was just a harmless joke.”
“He didn’t actually tweet them, he just carried them out.”
“Oh, sorry, you’re correct. Force of habit.”