Mouse Trap
Home Alone meets Ratatouille in this holiday family comedy extravaganza. A newly-married son has his in-laws coming over for dinner. Unfortunately, there’s one guest who wasn’t invited (that’s the mouse, in case it wasn’t clear).
We’ll watch as the son-in-law does everything in his power to trap the pesky invader and impress his stern, overbearing-mother-in-law and kooky father-in-law, while also keeping his precocious daughter and overworked wife from suspecting too much. He’s trying so hard to make everything seem perfect, but this mouse could muck it all up!
So this Christmas season, say cheese! to 90 minutes of family fun that literally no one asked for!
Guess Who
This quirky girl can never find a match. She’s so picky. And busy with her high-powered job. But if you think we’re showing any more than two scenes of her nondescript career and her Anna Wintour-esque boss, you’ve got another thing coming!
Anyway did we mention she’s quirky yet?!
Nobody her friends ever set her up with is good enough. “Does he have glasses? No thanks! “Is he bald? Um…ew!” Nobody fits the bill until a chance encounter on a commuter train pits her with (no way!) the man of her dreams! Literally!
But this city gal will have to learn the hard way that the “perfect” guy might not be what the doctor ordered. (We will have a bi-racial doctor best friend character who does not approve). Sometimes there’s perfection in having flaws. Until one man remains. Or woman.
How does this game work again?
Settlers of Catan
Westward expansion. The end of an era and the beginning of another. One soldier, scarred with wounds both physical and psychological makes his way across the untrodden, rough-hewn American landscape.
Suddenly, he finds himself caught between competing interests. The industrialists and their wagon-towns want to turn the natural beauty of indigenous homes into a bustling metropolis. He’s caught between the life he knew and the woman he’s falling in love with—wait. This is just Dances With Wolves.
Whatever, we’ll add game elements like “development cards,” “knights,” and “ore”—who cares if it doesn’t make sense. We’ll get Rihanna to play the love interest. But we need her to sign on early.
Avatar is Pocahontas anyway—we’ll be fine.
UNO
This Spanish-language adaptation of the game “War” is a shoe-in for best foreign film at the Oscars. Or Cannes. Or a Spanish equivalent to Cannes? Is Cannes in Spain? We’ll have our intern look into it.
Anyway, It’s about ONE MAN (Spanish Title: UNO MAN) and his quest to keep his family safe in a not-too-distant dystopian future. As the robo-police descend on his home, we’ll see the harrowing story of what one person will sacrifice to preserve the ones he loves, even when he’s dealt all the worst cards.
It’s Children of Men meets Life is Beautiful in a Mexican border town. But it’s also Trump. It’s zeitgeist. It’s a humanitarian crisis turned into 90 minutes of branded content turned into $100 million at the box office and at least three Jezebel think-pieces. We can’t not do this movie.
Possible taglines:
“It’s not a game of chance if you play your cards right”
“Between Life and Death stands UNO BAD Hombre”
“Card games—this concept is not a stretch”
Boggle
Ummm…we could—we could. Uhh. How about this:
There’s a couple. Dick and Jane. They live a suburban life. Everything is perfect. That is…until one day Dick wakes up and doesn’t know anything! All the information inside his brain has been magically replaced with…their infant baby’s! And Jim’s thoughts are in the baby’s head! Like—like Freaky Friday with a baby! Yea.
If only he had the ability to speak or write (oy vey!). So Jane decides to really shake things up and…wait for it…calls her mother! (who’s into crystals and yoga and all things Dharma-from-Dharma-and-Greg-y) Dick hates Jane’s mother, obviously—do we have to spell it out for you? But through this crazy, mind-boggling switch-up Dick and Jane discover the true power of family and fix the problems they weren’t addressing in their relationship.
Ta-da! BOGGLE!