How was college? Uhhh, I’ll let you know when the freaking hangover stops.
That’s just a little joke I like to make that references both how wild college was for me, and my current battle with alcoholism. Between shotgunning brews and the numerous cold sore outbreaks (from the sheer amount of making out I was doing coupled with my habit of pressing my lips directly against the water fountain) life was one big party.
But all parties have to end, even the ones at my alma mater, Central Southwestern New Haven Community College. Go Bloomin’ Onions! (Outback Steakhouse became a majority shareholder of CSWNHCC in 2007 and changed our mascot to their famous dish.) And once the parties do end, you may have some difficulty re-adjusting.
To help avoid the dreaded “Now what?” feeling, here are five things to prepare yourself for when you graduate college.
CSWNHCC’s Dean Will Start Dating Your Dad
Upon graduating, the 84-year-old Dean Trublioni will no longer have any conflicts of interest and will be free to court your father. It’s uncomfortable at first, but it’s ultimately natural. A dean is sort of like the dad of a college, so he and your dad already have a common interest (being daddies).
Of course, you’ll wonder if the dean is just dating your dad as revenge because you pranked his crusty ass every chance you got in college, or if he genuinely has feelings for your father. In my case, he definitely was only revenge dating my dad at first, but it ended up turning into something real, as the two fell in love. Everyone’s journey is a little different, though; there is no “right” or “wrong” motivation for Dean Trublioni to date your father.
Dean Trublioni Will Request Your Blessing Before Asking for Your Father’s Hand in Marriage
At first, you’ll say, “No way, loser,” and laugh in Dean Trublioni’s face. You’ll feel good and think that you’ve won the war of slobs vs. snobs you started with the Dean when you first went to college all those years ago. But then you’ll realize how happy Dean Trublioni makes your dad. When Dean Trublioni shuffles into a room at a glacial pace (due to his elderly age), you’ll notice how your father’s face lights up. No matter how you feel about Dean Trublioni, you’ll have to acknowledge that he makes your dad happy. Who are you to deny your father happiness? Therefore, you will not only give Dean Trublioni your blessing, but you will help him plan the perfect proposal for your father.
Your Step-Father, Dean Trublioni, Will Pull Some Strings to Help You Get a Job in Advertising
The sad fact of this capitalist world is that getting a job is all about who you know. Luckily for you, you know Dean Trublioni, who will help you exploit the system by using nepotism to your benefit. Dean Trublioni will be happy to lend a hand, too; even though you may not be biologically related, he has come to think of you as a son. Likewise, you’ll realize that despite the adversarial roles you once occupied, you think of him as a father. And his calling in some favors on your behalf is a nice gesture that you will not take lightly.
You Will Not Know What to Get Dean Trublioni for Christmas
What do you get for the man who seemingly has it all? You know he has a vested interest in 1920s surrealism, but you don’t really know anything about that subject. How are you supposed to buy something when you don’t know what to look for? Plus, you feel a lot of pressure since you want to get Dean Trublioni something to thank him for the job he got you, but it also has to be something that shows you accept him as part of the family. All in all, it’s going to be one of your more stressful holiday seasons. And to make matters worse, you’ll start to notice that something feels a bit off about the man, though you’re not sure what…
Your Father Will Die Under Mysterious Circumstances and You’ll Grow Suspicious of Dean Trublioni
Your father battled heart disease for his entire adult life, so when Dean Trublioni tells you that your father succumbed to a heart attack, it will seem perfectly legitimate. Yet something about the timing just doesn’t sit right with you. Dean Trublioni will have just taken out a large life insurance policy on your father. As if this doesn’t raise your eyebrows high enough, Dean Trublioni will also tell you that your father’s final request before he died was that no autopsy be performed on his body. But this doesn’t add up since almost every day growing up, your father would tell you, “No matter how I die, I want an autopsy, just in case.”
Even more troubling, it seems that Dean Trublioni’s influence stretches further than just the advertising world, as the entire police force in your town refuses to listen to your concerns. You will start to re-evaluate your life choices and wonder if you should have even gone to college in the first place.
The fact of the matter is, if you hadn’t attended Central Southwestern New Haven Community College (Go Bloomin’ Onions!), your father may still be alive today.