Sunday mornings should be reserved for one thing: traveling from yard sale to yard sale to find cursed artifacts so that you can destroy them and keep our Earthly realm safe. Or, you can also just relax and do some self-care. Both are good options. But brunch plans with friends that you haven’t seen in a while often stand in the way of you and your ideal Sunday morning.
Therefore, it’s perfectly reasonable that when you get a text on a Saturday afternoon that reads, “Hey, we still on for brunch tomorrow?” you immediately log on to your computer to shop for submarines, believing that they are the only way that to shirk your social obligations. Here is a handy guide to deciphering which deep sea submersible to pick when running away from the plans you made.
17th Century Early Submersible | ★☆☆☆☆
Cornelis Drebbel’s 1620 design leaves a lot to be desired. For one thing it’s propelled by oars. Oars? You gotta be kidding me with that shit. I’m trying to actively destroy one of the few interpersonal relationships I have left from college, not get an upper body workout.
I don’t think it’s out of line to call Drebbel a total dumbass when it comes to submarines, and I am considering including him in an idea I had for a YouTube video entitled, “Epic Fails (16th Century to Present).” His submarine only stayed underwater for three hours, which is barely the amount of time it would take you to watch the 1996 film Liar Liar two times. Just an absolute dogshit submarine. Don’t bother. It offers nothing that lying down flat underwater and breathing through a hollow reed doesn’t.
WWI-Era German U-Boats | ★★☆☆☆
Sure, these stealthy subs sunk the RMS Lusitania in 1915, but can they destroy your friend’s hopes of catching up with the same precision? These U-boats can carry 12 torpedoes, which means you’ll have 12 chances to kill your friend once they come searching for you after you blow off brunch plans.
Unfortunately, these subs can only stay underwater for two hours at a time. It is embarrassing that this submarine, which was built 300 years after Drebbel’s, can only stay underwater for a little over the time it takes to watch Liar Liar one time. Screw that noise, they should call these German BOO-boats (as in what you yell at a batboy who misses a foul ball at a minor league baseball game) because these things stink.
WWII-Era Japanese I-400 Class Submarine | ★★★★☆
Intimidation factor alone, these are some good ass submarines. You friend isn’t going to have the stones to approach this ship, as these are some of the largest submarines ever built (400 feet long). And that’s if they can even find you. These puppies can travel 7.5 miles per hour while submerged (which may not sound fast, but for a submarine, it is sort of fast).
Perhaps the most impressive feature of the I-400’s is their ability to hold and launch up to three floatplanes, perfect for sea-to-sky getaways. That could be the difference between spending Sunday morning the way you want to and having to talk to your friend about their new job, or how many seasons of Orange is the New Black they watched before stopping even though they still “want to get back into it,” or some other shit you don’t care about.
Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage Ride at Disneyland | ☆☆☆☆☆
DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME WITH THIS SUBMARINE. First off, the thing is on tracks and it doesn’t even go that deep underwater. You will be easily spotted.
In addition, you’ll have to wait in line for like an hour and a half to get on it (unless you want to pay for a FastPass but I think those are classist and refuse to buy them). Your friend is going to easily track you down and ask why you’re waiting to go on an amusement park ride instead of sitting across from them, eating seventeen-dollar avocado toast (which, honestly, you could make a lot better at home because you can season it exactly the way you like) at some trendy-ass restaurant in Williamsburg.
Also, the ride doesn’t feature Albert Brooks or Ellen DeGeneres doing the voices, so what’s the point?
Los Angeles-Class Submarine | ★★★★★
Now we’re talking. This is the Liar Liar of submarines. Much like the film, not only is this sub going to function proficiently, but you’re going to have a hell of a good time with it. Plus, this vehicle is named after the city of stars, so you know it’s good. With state of the art sensors, you’ll be well-prepared for any and all unwanted brunch invitations.
Furthermore, this deep-sea vessel can outrun your friend (it travels at TWENTY-THREE miles per hour, which is like warp speed for submarines) and if by some miracle your friend is able to catch up to you, the 25 torpedos, Tomahawk cruise missiles, AND Harpoon missiles are sure to make swift work of them. That’ll teach your friend a lesson for trying to be a part of your life and being genuinely interested in maintaining a friendship with you!