“President Trump’s lawyers rejected the special counsel’s latest terms for an interview in the Russia investigation, countering on Wednesday with an offer that suggested a narrow path for answering questions, people familiar with the matter said.”
—The New York Times, 8/8/2018
The President shall not be questioned about his relationships with “Lyin’” James Comey, Rod “Mr. Peepers” Rosenstein, Russian President Vladimir Putin, or Tiffany.
The President shall not be questioned about statements he’s made publicly, privately, or telepathically to the ghost of Roy Cohn.
The President shall not be questioned about his actions, inactions, or misactions.
The President shall not be asked questions containing double negatives, enigmatic riddles, basic math, references to existing or pending legislation, or bewildering legal jargon such as “the truth.”
The time, date, and location of the interview are to be determined by the President. Proposed locations include the Air Force One cockpit, a corner booth at the Times Square KFC, or Frontierland.
The location of the interview, after being determined by the President, shall be refurbished into a perfect replica of the boardroom from The Apprentice. Bret Michaels shall be present for both moral support and legal counsel.
The President reserves the right to appoint the person administering the special counsel’s questions. Possible candidates include Sheriff David Clarke, the cast of Fox & Friends, and the man who drove his car into the Charlottesville counter-protestors.
At no point will the President be compelled to remove his normal sized hands from his normal sized pockets, nor will he hold a remote control, iPhone, or other device for the sake of “reference.”
The President shall not be questioned about the 2016 Trump Tower meeting between his wonderful son and Russian officials unless he is absolutely certain he can pin all of this on Don Jr.
The President shall not be questioned about alleged romantic encounters with Stormy Daniels, Karen McDougal, or Ivanka.
The President’s entire legal team shall be present for the interview, may advise the President at any time, and possesses the authority to immediately end the interview if the President should inadvertently tell the truth.
The President shall not be asked to spell “subpoena.”
The President gets three “Passes” with the chance to earn additional passes for every verse of “The Star-Spangled Banner” he can recite without having to glance at his notecards.
The President shall enjoy full immunity while patting his head and rubbing his stomach at the same time.
The interview shall not be audio or video recorded; written notes may be taken but only with a dry BIC pen on black construction paper; and the President reserves the right to deny that the interview ever took place.
No fatties.