To our group of esteemed professional athletes:
As the season rolls on, we thank you for taking the time to review our latest reprise of the official NASCAR rulebook. And as you well know, without strict adherence to these guidelines, we put the rich integrity and pride of our great sport in jeopardy.
Good luck, and Godspeed.
RULE 1.0: Turn the car on.
RULE 2.0: Begin race car driving with a slight turn to the left.
RULE 3.0: Continue to bear left.
RULE 4.0: Keep bearing left.
RULE 5.0 Always bear left.
RULE 6.0: Left.
RULE 6.1: Left.
RULE 6.2: A little bit left.
RULE 7.0: At this stage in the contest, you’ll notice your fellow world-class athletes are doing exactly what you’re doing, which should indicate your next move is to totally zone out into a dream world where you’re traversing a giant sprinkled donut.
RULE 8.0: You are a sheep in herd.
RULE 9.0: Baaaa, baaa.
RULE 10.0: Think oval, oval, oval—but don’t oval-think it.
RULE 11.0: Think Dizzy Bat. But instead of coiling over a baseball bat, you’re twirling in sheet metal on wheels.
RULE 12.0: If you thought soccer was boring, I have some bad news for you, hombre.
RULE 13.0: Left.
RULE 13.1: Speed.
RULE 14.0: Left.
RULE 15.0: If in doubt, apply circular thinking.
RULE 16:0: It’s NASCAR, not NASA.
RULE 17.0: Zoom.
RULE 18.0: You realize this is literally driving in circles?
RULE 19.0: Circles.
RULE 20.0: Round and round you go, twinkle toes.
RULE 21.0: A three-hour 200 MPH merry-go-round.
RULE 22.0: Imagine for a moment a model train set circling without purpose—you’re the little plastic conductor.
RULE 23.0: Remember the game of musical chairs? Now think of duck duck goose. Now empty your brain of those because all you have to do is bear left.
RULE 24.0: Do you recall in A Beautiful Mind when the genius is scrawling genius symbols across his ivy league dorm window? Yes, well, stick to the circle you drew in pre-school.
RULE 25.0: Drive your car in an imperfect circle. That’s it. That’s all there is to it. Levels of sophistication beyond that are make believe.
RULE 26:0: On behalf of everyone at NASCAR, we sincerely apologize for most of rules 1-24. The individual responsible for writing those rules has been terminated due to clinical depression and a pretty convincing argument. Moving forward these rules will attempt to stay on track. Pun intended. Thank you.
RULE 27.0: Left.
RULE 27.1: Left.
RULE 28.0: Veer left.
RULE 29.0: Soft left.
RULE 30.0: Starting to see Dave’s point here.
RULE 31.0: Drive where there is road.
RULE 32.0: Just do whatever you want.
RULE 33.0: Seriously.
Appendix: Left.