Me: Alright Shaun, you measure and cut those two by twos and Phil and I will screw in the floorboards.
Shaun: Okay…
(Shaun finishes)
Shaun: I’m done.
Phil: …That was quick.
Me: Well just stand there and relax; we’re almost finished screwing.
Shaun: Okay, I’ll just stand here… not screw anything…and watch you screw…Like I have been for the last 11 months…
GODDAMNIT SOMEBODY FUCK HIM.
The Link: https://www.pointsincase.com/columns/nick/3-1-06.htm
—–
Me: This deck looks pretty fucking sweet…it’s level and everything.
Phil: Yeah…all we need now is an alligator pit.
—–
Me: Hey Phil, when we get on the PRT (our monorail system at WVU), let’s have a fucked up conversation…try to flip some people out.
Phil: Um…I dunno.
Me: C’mon Phil, I know you can do it.
(We get on a completely full PRT car)
Me: So I heard they give out scholarships to gay dudes now.
Phil: How do you know if they’re gay?
Me: Well I guess they make you kiss a dude in your interview.
Phil: What if you don’t find him attractive?
Me: I’m sure he’ll be in leather chaps and have gelled hair.
Phil: Ah yes, the prototype “attractive” fag.
—–
(Girl with tie-dyed corny-ass shirt walks by)
Shirt says: I FARM YOU EAT.
Me: You know, that’s a fragment. It either needs a semicolon or two periods.
Girl: What?
Me: That back of your shirt…it’s not grammatically correct.
Girl: Fuck off.
(Girl walks off)
Phil: …teaches you to fuck with girls who farm.
—–
Jae: I-I-I have a st-st-stutter, because I’m h-h-having a p-p-panic attack
(5 of us guys walk outside)
Shaun: OH MY CHRIST THAT IS THE FAKEST ASS STUTTER IN THE WORLD.
McCoy: Yeah man…um…she’s crazy. I’m really sorry for bringin her around you guys…I can’t believe I didn’t see it before…
Phil: haha, this is treacherous.
Me: Hold on, let’s have some fun with her. (Opens door) Hey Jae, c’mon outside with us.
(Jae comes outside)
(I whisper in her ear)
Jae: I-I-I can’t s-s-say that.
Me: Say it goddamnit.
Jae:…
Me: SAY IT!
Jae:… S-s-s-suh, c-c-can I h-h-have s-s-s-s’more p-porridge?
Guys: HAHAHAH
Josh: MY TURN, MY TURN!
(Josh whispers in her ear)
Jae:… G-G-Gaudio, the t-t-t-test c-c-came back p-p-p-positive
Guys: HAHAHAHAHA
Phil: My turn.
(Phil whispers in her ear)
Jae:…G-G-G-G-G-G-G-ODZ-Z-Z-ILLA!
Guys: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Jae: Wow, my stuttering went away! Look guys!
Guys: …
Shaun: So anyways, that Maggie chick is pretty hot McCoy…we should hook you up
(Jae runs off crying)
Matt: Wow, that was pretty easy.
Later that evening…
Shaun: Oh yeah McCoy, if you bring her around again, I’m going to s-s-stab her in the f-f-f-f-f-f-f-face.