Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was sick. And drunk.
This was a rough week for sports. Bobby Petrino bailed on the Falcons with three weeks left in the season, which is rude to say the least and disdainful to say the most. From the stuff I heard and read, Petrino was the least liked person in Atlanta. And Atlanta's the home of Ted Turner and Jane Fonda. You have to be a hell of a bastard to be that hated in the A T L.
Also, something called the Mitchell Report was released yesterday. I didn't read it because I don't care. But apparently, professional athletes use performance enhancing drugs. I know I've typed it here before but allow me to type it again: I don't care if professional athletes use performance enhancing drugs. In fact, I'm all for it. You want to know why? Because it enhances the performance. I want my entertainment to be as awesome as it can be. And if that means Barry Bonds has to give up his testicles then so the hell be it. The important thing here is that I'm entertained.
Also, Michael Vick got sentenced to 23 months in prison Monday morning which seems excessive but what the hell do I know? (I mean, Leonard Little got drunk and killed someone and he only got a year-long suspension.) Say what you will about Vick, but no one in the history of professional sports has ever pissed away his career in such a fantastic fashion. I can't wait for the inevitable movie.
Which brings me to Arthur Blank, who I do not believe meant anything racist or derogatory by his fried chicken comment. (He said that if Vick ate fried chicken in jail and got all fat then he would never play again or something.) We must remember that fried chicken is delicious, and like all things delicious, it is also fattening. Of course, I've never met and do not know Mr. Home Depot Man, so for all I know, Arthur Blank could be a card carrying member of the Ku Klux Klan (I wonder what that card would look like) but I doubt it. Racists hate the black QB. And Blank loved Vick more than almost all of his other investments.
So, in one week we had a borderline racist statement from an NFL owner, the sentencing of one of the league's best quarterbacks, the release of the Mitchell Report and a coach quitting on his team mid-season. But hell, at least no one died. Well, last week anyway.
On to the picks. HOME TEAMS in CAPS
Nate's Note: The earlier version of this post had to be taken down and tinkered with because I misread a lot of the spreads. Oddly enough, my dad caught the mistakes and called in the corrections. We keep it in the family here at The Nate Way
Bengals (-9) over 49ERS
I know this is off topic ('cause that's my style) but are any two cities less alike than Cincy and San Fran? I have a feeling that Skyline Chili would not sell well in Frisco. Just doesn't go with red wine.
Cardinals (+3.5) over SAINTS
This is a must win for both teams, which means there is a chance, however slight, that watching this game won't put me to sleep.
I mean that's a plus, right?
BUCCANEERS (-13) over Falcons
Lawyer Milloy took Bobby Petrino's letter of resignation, grabbed a red sharpie, crossed out Petrino's name and replaced it with the word: Coward! (The exclamation is his, not mine.) If that doesn't sum up how Atlanta's players felt about Bobby, well my name is not Nathan DeGraaf and I do not masturbate with regularity.
Ravens (-3) over DOLPHINS
My friend Kevin (in Boca Raton?a Miami suburb) did not renew his season tickets before this season. That may very well have been the smartest decision made by anyone associated with the Dolphins organization this year.
Also, apparently PIC's own Jonathan Marine is a Dolphin's fan and will be chronicling their historic fall from grace.
This is probably Miami's last chance to get a win. I highly recommend upping the CCs before shooting up this week, Dolphins, but it won't help. I've never seen a team suck as bad as y'all suck. And I'm a Buccaneers' fan. I've seen a lot of crap.
Bills (+6) over BROWNS
Every time these two teams meet, some asshole does a write-up of how long-suffering these two fan bases are. Well, this year I figured they'd skip it because the Bills and Browns are both above .500. Not so. I found at least ten stories with that angle on the net. I think it would suck to be a part of a struggling fan base and have my town's sports writers constantly reminding me that I was part of a struggling fan base. It'd be like walking around hell with some dude next to me constantly saying, “You're walking around in hell.” Doesn't help, you know?
Packers (-9) over RAMS
Cheer up Rams' fans. You could be Dolphins fans.
My father, a Rams' fan, has no idea why this spread opened at ten and then went down.
“It should have gone the other way,” he said.
Think they're having a good winter in St. Louis?
STEELERS (-3.5) over Jaguars
Anthony Smith guaranteed that he'll get to play in this game at some point. No truth to the rumor that he'll actually cover a fucking receiver this time.
PATRIOTS (-24) over Jets
When I first saw this spread, I thought, “Well, that's not near high enough.” This will be a massacre. I mean it won't even be funny.
Actually, I take that back. If you're not a Jets fan, odds are this game will be freaking hilarious.
Seahawks (-8) over PANTHERS
Apparently, the odds makers don't see the Panthers putting up much of a fight in this one. Hey, speaking of odds makers, I read a great idea on somebody's sports blog the other day (I read so many that I can't remember which one this was from). Some dude suggested that we should just let Vegas decide the two teams to play for the national championship game in college football. And I gotta say, that makes perfect sense. Who knows more about football matchups than Vegas? Someone needs to get this done like yesterday and I nominate you.
You know, because you don't look all that busy.
Titans (-4) over CHIEFS
Rest assured, I will not be watching this game. I got stuff going on. Like things and such. Anyway, I don't see why the Chiefs would even bother trying to win this game. Their season's over and there are draft picks to consider.
Colts (-10.5) over RAIDERS
And now it's time for another Priceless Pep Talk with Peyton Manning.
“Pissed off 'cause your wife won't let you bang the babysitter. Yeah? I feel you. It's rough. But you know what, she doesn't let you eat fried foods but you still do it when she ain't around. Yeah? you feel me.”
CHARGERS (-11) over Lions
Okay, so last week a reader named Kristin typed in the comment box that she has been waiting all season for me to say something nice about the Lions, who have been floundering under the idiotic rule of Matt Millen for far too long. Anyway, when the Lions were giving the Cowboys the business last Sunday, I was elated. I was like, “Yes, I can finally write something positive about the Lions and Kristin will be happy.”
But at the end, they choked away the game like the losers they are.
Sorry Kristin.
COWBOYS (-10) over Eagles
Hey Philadelphia, I hear the Flyers are kicking ass this year. Good for y'all.
My friend Nikki has a nickname for Tony Romo. She calls him “The Dimpled One” and “Dimples” for short. I can't bring myself to call another man, Dimples, so I ‘m opening up the floor to y'all. Do you have an opinion of a good nickname for the regular season's league leader in smiles? When the playoffs roll around, I really don't want to be referring to Romo as Dimples. Please help.
GIANTS (-4) over Redskins
Todd Collins is back. It has been ten years since his last start. When I first heard that Todd Collins was quarterbacking the ‘Skins this week, my first thought was “Who is Todd Collins?”
Someone should just put Coach Gibbs out of his misery. Or maybe find a nice, nursing home for him. He's done.
VIKINGS (-10) over Bears
Kyle Orton is coming back. Orton, for those of you who don't know, is the NFL's most well-documented partier (that's debatable, I guess, but Kyle's certainly up there). Known for his unkempt beard, unkempt hair and love for Jack Daniels, Orton will not be leading the Bears to any victory next week. He will, however, get drunk.
And before I take off, here's a quick story for you.
My buddy Dan is considering naming his next child, Awesome. That's right, if he ever has a boy, he says he wants to name it Awesome. The child's middle name, Dan assures me, would be Jack. So the kid's name would be Awesome Jack and they would call him AJ. Which is cool, I guess.
Anyway, Dan floated the idea by his wife, who reacted as if he'd suggested they replace their three bedroom house with missile silo. Needless to say, Awesome Jack won't be happening any time soon.
Except in fiction. I think I might just turn him into a character.
Oh, and I hope Roger Goodell gets hit by a bus this week.
And I hope your teams win Dear Readers, unless your team is the Falcons (sorry Court) because I'm a Bucs fan.
Labels: NFL_picks