Air Monarch: Your hobbies include lawn care, Catholicism, and memorizing the GDP of nations in the under-developed world.
Air Jordan 1: You let your Apple EarPods dangle on your ear lobes all day.
Jordan V Retro: You lost your virginity in a Famous Footwear parking lot.
Cortez: Your name is Oscar. And you’ve thought about joining a gang.
Air Force 1: You have a gun.
Air Force 1 (High): You have a machete.
Air Foamposite: You have a machete and have used your shoelaces as a tourniquet.
Air Max Penny: You’ve developed acute tendinitis from rewinding audio cassettes with a pen.
Air Huarache: “These fit so great. I got my wife a pair, too.” –You.
Jordan Why Not: You know a guy who knows a guy who knows Coolio.
Air Max Sequent: You don’t make love without your Fitbit Charge 2 on.
Roshe One: You spit out the phrase “I’ll hook you up.” Like, a lot.
Roshe Run Slip On: You have recently and reluctantly upgraded from your trusty Tevas.
Air Max 1: You claim you coined the word “athleisure.”
SB Blazer: Your Skype ID is azzkikr87 and your Yahoo Messenger ID was immortal_kombat.
Air Span II: You’ve gotten in trouble saying, “Black lives matter, I get it but… and I’m gonna get in trouble for saying this, but… black people should spend less money on sneakers.”
Air Max 270: You carry your laptop and your lunch in a duffel bag.
Air Max 180: You say stuff like, “The only way to be a marathon runner is to run a marathon.” You’ve never run a marathon.
Run Free: Your Bernese Mountain Dog’s name is Roscoe.
Pegasus: Your bed linens are corduroy.
Air Maestro: Everything you know about love and basketball you learned by making out with Foot Locker sales associates.