Me: You hear about USF?
Kevin: Ahh, I might have heard something. I do my best not to pay to much attention to the imposed distractions.
Me: They're second in the nation right now.
Kevin: Well I'm glad that some team that you feel some affiliation with has done something to make you feel good.
Me: Thanks for that dose of perspective.
Kevin: You know dude, thank you for saying thank you. Most people don't want a dose of perspective.
Me: Yeah, a lot of people don't like other people belittling what's important to them, even if it doesn't really matter.
Kevin: Yeah, people suck.
Dan: Why did they name a school that was located in Central West Florida, South Florida?
Me: They thought it was a cool name and they knew someone would take it. Besides, even if it's not technically in South Florida, it's still south of a lot of places in Florida. So the name works.
Dan: What kind of depraved excuse for logic did you use to rationalize that?
Me: School spirit.
Dan: I see.
Me: You know what's great about this whole football thing?
Babyface: What's that?
Me: I don't have to explain where I went to school to people in other states. That'll save me some time.
Babyface: Yeah, that's probably why they won their first six games: to save you time talking to bitches on vacation.
Me: Every little bit helps.
Babyface: That's what she said.
Babyface: Nate, you're turning into Drunk Nate again.
Me: Who's drunk Nate?
Babyface: That's you, drunk. I thought it was pretty self explanatory. I mean, you did graduate college.
Me: Yeah, but I went to USF.
Tony: You see, Drunk Nate is the guy whose ass we all want to kick. But we never do because we realize that regular Nate would have to take the shots as well. And we kind of like him.
Me: So what am I an asshole or something when I'm drunk?
Tony: Remember the time you tried to fight that paraplegic?
Me: He was asking for it.
Tony: He was immobile.
Me: Fuck that cripple anyway.
Tony: Good to see you, Drunk Nate.
Hooters Waitress: You sure are drinking a lot.
Me: I'm celebrating the death of Jared the Subway Guy.
Hooters Waitress: He's dead?
Me: Not yet.
Me: I think it's funny that they make all you Hooters waitresses keep your apron pouches in front of your camel toes. Any company that has a policy on camel toes is just awesome.
Hooters Waitress: You're leaving now, right?
Labels: snippets