Due to work related situations beyond my control (i.e., I have to spend the weekend in seminars), I will not be able to write my picks this week. Fortunately for you though, I did have the following conversation with Stoner Chick:
Me: I don't have time to do the football picks this week.
Stoner Chick: So what?
Me: Will you write them? Just email them to me and I'll edit them.
SC: Say please.
Me: Please.
SC: Okay, but I get the introduction too.
Me: Fine.
At least she's finally talking to me again.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaWeek 3: Picks of the Stoner Chick
Hey everybody. You'll be happy to know that I got a job. Actually, it's three jobs. I am working as?big surprise?a bar waitress in three different parts of Tampa Bay. After all, what better way is there for a single young lady to make money than by slapping on a pair of ass-flaunting shorts, throwing on a tight, dolly T-shirt and flirting with every beer-buying asshole in two counties? And before you judge me or make fun of me for it, let me tell you that if you can think of a way for me to make $40 an hour starting tomorrow with my education and training?without getting naked?then please make the suggestion.
Tomorrow, I'm working my first Football Sunday but I have to cross the bridge to do it. If you don't know what “cross the bridge” means, it means going from Hillsborough to Pinellas county (and I guess it works the other way too). Which is a bit of a hike. But anyway, I won't get to see much of the games because I'll be too busy flirting with hot men while pretending to buddy up with their girlfriends all so I can get a nice tip and not start a fight.
I mean, why do girls even go out to bars with their boyfriends if they're just gonna get all jealous of a girl just doing her job? And anyway, everyone knows that slutty waitresses don't fuck the customers. They fuck their coworkers.
After I make a bunch of money, I'm gonna get an apartment and get out of my parent's house. I think I need to learn what it's like to live on my own. Of course, I'll probably be like five miles from my mom but whatever. It's probably better for me than what I got going now.
Just so you know how important this week's picks are, Nate and I have a wager on it. If I can beat his pathetic personal best of the year (7-8-1), he owes me yet another dinner. I'm thinking lobster this time.
HOME TEAMS in CAPS
Colts (-6) over TEXANS
The Texans look real good this year. A new quarterback and revamped offensive line have led to a couple of quality starts for this once down and out team. But I don't think they can beat the Colts mainly because I've never heard anyone say anything positive about the Texans defense and you need a defense to beat the Colts. I hate to be a party pooper because I like a good underdog story but I just don't see it this week.
GREEN BAY (+5) over San Diego
In San Diego's attempt to play football against the Patriots last week, we witnessed the depressing idiocy of Norv Turner. Receivers were left wide open, defenders missed tackles, the passing game was nonexistent and the coach sucked underarm hair. I will not be picking San Diego until I see some improvement.
CHIEFS (-3) over Vikings
There's just something about that Arrowhead stadium.
Lions (+5.5) over EAGLES
I hope I'm not the only one rooting for John Kitna to have some success at this level. He has the receivers and the coordinator. There is no reason for any quarterback to have issues with the Mike Martz offensive system unless that QB lacks a scrotum.
PATRIOTS (-16.5) over Bills
Sorry to be like a typical chick and all that but I'd still do Tom Brady. I don't care if he knocks up supermodels and plays for a cheater. He's a totally hot winner and I would marry him before our first date if he asked me.
JETS (-3) over Dolphins
For some reason that was never rightly explained to me, this is a huge rivalry. I like to think that in any rivalry the home team has the advantage. And let's face it, this year, pretty much every team has the advantage over the Dolphins.
STEELERS (-9) over 49ers
I think the 49ers are a few years away from legitimate contention.
Cardinals (+8) over RAVENS
Something about this Cardinal team just seems different this year. They're still a bunch of losers without much of a chance but there's something strange going on. Sometimes, I can just kind of tell when a lousy team will have a big game. It's true. I think I may be a little psychic.
BUCCANEERS (-4) over Rams
Did you see last week's game? Of course you didn't. Most of you don't live in Tampa or New Orleans. But still, that was ridiculous. We looked like a real team with a real offense and everything.
And by the way (and Nate if you take this out you have no balls), Nate lost money by betting against his team last week. When I teased him about it he gave me that bullshit spiel about how he could be happy either way because he bet against them. Ass.
Jaguars (+3) over BRONCOS
The Jaguars are my second football team because I have family in Jacksonville. Nate once told me that I wasn't allowed to have a second favorite team but to hell with him. I never bet against my favorite or my second favorite football team. Go Jags!
Bengals (+3) over SEAHAWKS
If the Bengals can just remember how to play defense, they could really be one of the better teams in the NFL. Last week's showing against the Browns was stinky. I think they will do their best to straighten it out here.
Browns (+3) over RAIDERS
No one knows what to expect from this Browns team now. If the Bengals defense really was as leaky as a ten year old condom, then the Browns may only put up ten points or less against the Raiders. But the Raiders are pretty depleted from the offensive side of the ball and the Browns defense, even though they won last week, probably wants a little redemption for giving up forty plus points against the Bengals. The more I think about it, the better it looks for the Browns.
(Hey, does anyone know why my spell-check doesn't recognize the word, Bengals?)
Panthers (-3.5) over FALCONS
I have never seen a more uninspired football team than the Atlanta Falcons. They're like a Pop Warner team that just found out they're playing up in their weight group this week. Good luck, Atlanta fans.
REDSKINS (-3.5) over Giants
All of the sudden, the Washington Redskins are a real team again. I don't know who Jason Campbell is (though I will admit that he's not hurting in the looks department) but I like the way he leads a team. I think this team might be this year's sleeper. Meanwhile, it seems the Giants are falling apart at the seams (Court, that pun was for you).
Cowboys (+3) over BEARS
Rex Grossman does not have what it takes to beat this Cowboys team. On the offensive side of the ball, I could easily see the Cowboys putting up 24 points against the Bears. With the way the Bears have been playing, unless Devin Hester and Rex Grossman both have career days, I just can't see them putting up 21 against the Cowboys this week.
Sadly enough though, I should probably admit that this is the only game of the week where I would probably do both quarterbacks.
Titans (+4) over SAINTS
I don't know what's going on with the Saints this year, but I know a mess when I see one.
Now, this is where Nate is insisting on putting information about the USF Bulls. I kind of hate USF because they didn't accept me but as Nate so kindly told me, they weren't alone in that regard. Whatever. Some people are late bloomers.
SOUTH FLORIDA (-14.5) over North Carolina
For the record, I do not agree with this pick but Nate says that every week he picks the Bulls to win because he believes they will go undefeated. When I asked him if he thinks they will go undefeated, he said that with the Bulls he is not given the “luxury of thinking.”
“I must believe,” he told me.
He's a big stupid, dork.
But still I have to thank him for working so hard on this with me. It probably would have been easier for him to just write one himself but apparently at the class thing he's at, he can access and write emails but not write a whole post.
And to the asshole who slammed me a little while back in the comment box. I just want you to understand that negativity is usually a trait pushed out by the ugly. So please keep all the comments positive and show how beautiful you readers really are.
Labels: NFL_picks