Well Stoner Chick is up to her old tricks for sure. She didn't show up Sunday, didn't return my call Monday and then popped into the office today to complete the AFC preview.
It's been a long damn day. 
Let's smoke the AFC, shall we?
AFC East
New York Jets
Nathan DeGraaf: I can see this team going 10-6, mainly because Coach Mangini is no slouch. I mean, he is a slouch. He's a big, fat incredibly goofy looking slouch of a human. But as a coach, he is no slouch. That's an important character trait for a leader: no slouching. Huge. Very important not to be a slouch because slouching is contagious and a slouchy football team is worthless. Anyway, I like Mangini. He blows a good whistle.
Stoner Chick: Chad Pennington has dorky hair. He should work on that and get like a style from this decade.
NDG: You think the team will do well?
SC: Who cares?
New England Patriots
NDG: 14 ? 2. Even with the recent suspension of Rodney Harrison, I'm pretty sure this team will be damn near unstoppable. The off-season moves righted a lot of offensive wrongs. I think Bill Belichick learned that you can't win with a degree of difficulty in the NFL.
Also, I hope I'm alive in twenty three years to watch Brady's kid throw passes to one (or more) of Travis Henry's offspring. Hakuna Matata and all that.
SC: I love how Bridget Moynahan didn't give her baby Brady's name. I think that's so cool 'cause she's all like, “I'm good looking and rich too, asshole. I don't EVEN need your help. And since you didn't offer to raise my baby, I'm not letting you continue your name just 'cause you dumped some cum and ran.” I say good for her.
Buffalo Bills
NDG: 6-10. There's a lot of optimism coming out of Buffalo regarding this team's chances this year. That, in and of itself, is funny.
SC: I've never been to Niagra falls.
NDG: So?
SC: So, I wanta go.
NDG: Great story, SC. Now how do you feel about the Bills?
SC: I don't know. I just wanta go to Niagra Falls.
Miami Dolphins
NDG: 7-9. If I lived in Miami and I needed a little extra cheese on my metaphorical crackers, I would print out a bunch of T-shirts that depict Nick Saban getting mutilated in a variety of ways and sell them outside the stadium before games.
SC: Ricky Williams is proof that pot makes you smarter.
NDG: How so?
SC: Well, he smoked a lot of pot and then he realized that his job hurt a lot. So he quit.
NDG: He was making millions.
SC: But that doesn't mean anything if you're too banged up to spend it. Think about it.
NDG: No.
AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers
NDG: I think it may take Coach Tomlin a little while to figure out how to get the most from this team. They're schedule isn't too tough and they have a lot of talent on both sides of the ball. I figure 9-7 but what do I know? I got my degree from South Florida.
SC: At least you have a degree. I don't even know who Coach Tomlin is. Did the Steelers lose that big mustache dude with all the daughters?
NDG: I think it's pretty obvious that we're both NFC fans, eh?
Cleveland Browns
NDG: 6-10. This season is difficult to predict because we have no idea who will be quarterbacking down the stretch. Brady Quinn could turn out to be pretty damn good. But this team, well, they need a lot of help. It's always tough to predict an entire season, but with this team it's even tougher. They could win two. They could win nine. I'm just not sure.
SC: You know why everyone thinks Quinn is gay? It's 'cause he's really hot and all the gays like him. The gays are always the first on board when some actor or athlete is hot. Look at Ashton Kutcher.
NDG: I don't know what you're talking about but I will say this: Brady Quinn has been photographed holding another man's crotch. Do with that info what you will.
Baltimore Ravens 
NDG: 11-5. This is gonna be a tough team to beat. Their defense is always spectacular and I have this gut feeling (read: I'm busy as hell and didn't feel like doing any research) that the Ravens offense will come around. I see them beating out the Bengals and the Steelers for first place in the division. Of course, I thought Eli Marrero was the Cardinals catcher of the future a few years back, so we all know what my opinion is worth.
SC: You're a real idiot, Nate. These guys have no clue who's playing quarterback and no stability up front. They'll be lucky to win nine games in the AFC, even with their schedule.
NDG: Every now and then SC, you remind me that you may actually know a little about football.
SC: Gee, thanks.
Cincinnati Bengals
NDG: This is another tough team to predict, but for different reasons. With Commissioner “Hanging Judge” Goodell running the NFL now, half this team could be suspended by week five. I'll go 8-8 just to be safe.
SC: This new commissioner guy scares me. I mean, he doesn't even wait until someone gets convicted before he suspends them. That's kind of mean.
He was really unfair to Pacman Jones, who is kind of cute. I was sad when he cut his dreads. I like dreads.
NDG: FYI, Stoner Chick smells like patchouli. But you could've probably guessed that.
AFC South
Tennessee Titans
NDG: I see this team winning at least ten games. And I'll tell you why: because their QB got in a fist fight in training camp. This team has a lot of spirit, a lot of heart and Vince Young. If I had the NFL Ticket, this would be the team I would watch the most for entertainment purposes.
SC: Okay, we were just interrupted for like two and a half hours and I don't think I want to do this anymore.
NDG: I'll buy you dinner.
SC: Deal.
NDG: What do you think of the Titans?
SC: Umm? They're Vince Young's team.
NDG: I think Jeff Fisher would disagree but whatever.
SC: Who?
Jacksonville Jaguars
NDG: 8-8. Once again, I have to admit that I'm an NFC guy and that I know little about the Jaguars except that they just cut Byron Leftwich, who, in my humble opinion, could use the time off. If I were Leftwich, I would spend the season working out, visiting health specialists and doing little else. I would sleep in bubble wrap and I would wear a helmet while driving. This guy could be something, I think, but he just needs to heal a lot.
Oh, and just for the flaming fuck of it: Rick Ankiel. Now there's a guy who knows how to heal.
SC: I was at Nate's place for a little while Friday and it's totally all decorated in all this Cardinals World Series stuff and I asked Nate where he got all that stuff and he said that his parents bought him all of it for his birthday/Christmas and then I remembered that we were both born on holidays!
I was born on Valentine's Day, which is enough to make a girl go through a brief period of hating the color pink, believe me.
Why are you looking at me like that?
NDG: The Jaguars?
SC: Oh yeah. They're the only team in the state without a Super Bowl ring so I hope they win it this year. But I'm spectacle.
NDG: Skeptical.
SC: Ha! I did that one on purpose.
NDG: With the hopes of achieving what?
SC: You're a douche.
Houston Texans 
NDG: Just because it's fun to type: 0-16. That's right; I predicted that this team will win zero games. This way, if it actually happens, I am a fucking genius and you will all kiss my feet. Metaphorically speaking.
SC: Oh yeah, well I predict them to win ten games, get a wildcard and win the Super Bowl. And if that actually happens, then not only am I a genius, I'm also eighty times smarter than you.
NDG: What's six times fourteen?
SC: [Displays middle finger.]
Indianapolis Colts
NDG: 13-3 and they lose to the Patriots in the Post Season. A boring old story.
SC: I'm so happy that Dungy finally got his ring. His dad's death was so sad.
NDG: His son.
SC: What?
NDG: It was his son who commited suicide down the road from here.
SC: What did I say?
NDG: You said it was his dad.
SC: Well, it was still sad and I still like him. I got that part right, huh, cumcatcher?
NDG: You know what? Let's just move on.
AFC West
San Diego Chargers
NDG: Okay, you've got one of the best teams ever with one of the worst coaches, so what do you do to fix it? You bring in an even shittier coach. I just don't get it. I can see this team winning twelve games, then losing in their first round of the playoffs. Norv Turner? Holy shit on a hockey stick! Why would you do that? It boggles the mind. My mind is clearly boggled right now.
SC: That was a fun game, Boggle?
NDG: Huh?
SC: You don't remember Boggle. You got to push the plastic thing and all the dice would pop up and it made the plup plop sound.
NDG: I know I'm not doing her last sentence justice by simply typing it; it's times like these I wish I had video. Let's just say that the sound she made was eerily gratifying. Plup plop? slurp!
SC: Pervert.
Denver Broncos
NDG: 10-6. And not for nothing, but this seems like as good a place as any to list the five most annoying things that fantasy football owners do.
5. Talk about their teams like anyone outside of their leagues gives a shit.
4. Talk about their teams like anyone outside of their leagues gives a shit.
3. Talk about their teams like anyone outside of their leagues gives a shit.
2. Root against their actual home team because they need the fantasy points provided by an opposing player.
1. Talk about their teams like anyone outside of their leagues gives a shit.
SC: My ex-boyfriend Jeremy got our fantasy team when we broke up. We were gonna do it together and it was gonna be this cute little thing where we had an excuse to sit around and talk football and we broke up and he changed our password so I won't go in and make trades and stuff. We had the coolest team name, too.
NDG: What was that?
SC: The Fluffy Alligators.
NDG: Why'd you choose that name?
SC: Well it's a long story. You see, I nicknamed his penis, Chompers and?
NDG: Anyway, onto Oakland.
Oakland Raiders 
NDG: In an attempt to apologize to Lions' fans and summarize my feelings about the Raiders, please allow me the following.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
3-13.
SC: I hope the Raiders have a good year this year. I like any team whose fans dress up like freaks. Of course, my dad wears an eye patch to all the Bucs games still, so it's probably hereditary.
NDG: You still go with him, right?
SC: Yup. I get four games and my brother gets four games but my brother gets first pick because he's in school. That's a new rule this year.
NDG: Seems fair.
SC: What do you know, anyway?
Kansas City Chiefs
NDG: Funniest exchange from my Labor Day weekend:
Jake: Is Herm Edwards still alive?
Me: Yeah.
Jake: You think someone'll let him in on that before the season starts?
SC: I like Herm Edwards. He's a really nice guy and you can tell by his attitude that he's a really good family man. I wish everyone would stop picking on him so much. There aren't enough nice people in football.
NDG: Well I mean, it is kind of a violent game.
SC: That doesn't mean everyone has to be assholes, asshole.
NDG: Whatever. Happy hour approaches. Here endeth the preview.
SC: See you soon! We're gonna go get dinner!
Labels: NFL_picks