Game of Thrones has finally ended, and if you’re one of the millions of fans looking for something else to capture your attention, might I recommend the very slow fire that has been spreading throughout my home?
While everyone has been complaining about the uneven pacing of the Emmy-winning fantasy series, I’ve been politely asking for help regarding the very consistent (slow) pace of the wall of flame in my home, which has now, over the course of the last 27 days, consumed my kitchen, my laundry room, and a solid 1/6 of my living room.
Apparently if a fire moves this slowly, the fire department considers it “controlled,” and they hang up on you, even as you explain that, though admittedly more sluggish than most fires, the flames continue to advance very steadily. I set up a camcorder to record the flames for several hours, and, after speeding the footage up, you can definitely tell that it moved 8 or 9 inches. I mailed them the tape a week ago, but haven’t heard back. I guess I should’ve included a catchy intro where you see the map of my smoldering home. I bet these firefighters loved it when the red priestess Melisandre lit thousands of Dothraki arakhs aflame in a matter of seconds. These days, people only care about fast fires. It’s a real shame.
A Song of Ice and Fire author George R. R. Martin seems to have written himself into a corner, which is a lot like being stuck in the corner of a good ? of your living room because a fire is now blocking one of the three exits in your home. Sure, I still have unimpeded access to my bathroom and both of my bedrooms, but how long will that remain true? Certainly Khal Moro and the other khals of the khalar vezhven did not expect Daenerys Targaryen to set all the dirt in their temple on fire, burning it down in no time at all, but look at them now! What if my living room floor proves to be as flammable as that dirt? In any case, it's not looking like my house is going to walk out of these flames unburnt.
When the oily rags I accidentally left in my toaster first ignited, it didn’t seem like too big of a problem, so I went to bed. Think of the initial rag fire as Daario Naharis ruling Meereen. If you ignore it, it’ll just sort itself out offscreen. But once it became clear that this fire would, in time, consume my entire home, I woke up my neighbor Tristopher. When I told him that my house is on fire, he just yawned, said “Eh, not really. Looks like 2 or 3 rooms, tops,” and went back to his fireless house.
Many Game of Thrones fans became HBO (Home Box Office) subscribers over the past six weeks. But will anyone get a “Home Burning” O. subscription? I couldn’t think of anything to make the O stand for. The fumes in the living room are getting pretty bad. If anyone knows any synonyms for “slow” that start with O, please email me before the fire consumes my modem in 6 or 7 days.
It seems like you can’t go anywhere without hearing about Game of Thrones. Think it’s been hard to avoid spoilers about the fates of characters like Ned Stark or Oberyn Martell? Imagine that, instead of spoilers, it’s a steadily advancing fire that has consumed the dryer your mom bought you when you moved out. Am I just going to have to buy my own dryer now? Where am I going to put it? My house is becoming more and more on fire with every passing day.
I just think it’s interesting how people “didn’t like it” when Daenerys went to King’s Landing and made all the poor people’s houses be on fire very quickly. Will they show the same concern for me and my slow-burning home? Is speed really all we care about, in this world of streaming television? I’m sorry that my leisurely-paced house fire doesn’t have dragons or shocking deaths or a guy third-basing his aunt. I’m sorry to spoil it for you, but if nobody comes to put out this fire, my house could be completely on fire in mere months.
Disgraced Game of Thrones showrunners David Benioff and Dan Weiss are set to direct a new Star Wars film in 2022, which has already led to widespread speculation among fans. Instead of getting caught up with the next pop culture phenomenon, I hope fans will begin to ask some more important questions: Will I have a house in 2022? Where will I live? Do I put out a toaster fire with water? Where would I even get enough water? When’s the deadline to get house insurance?