Let me kick this off with a little story.
During my first year of work at my current place of employment, I received a phone call in early April from my mother, who just called to wish me a happy Opening Day. Naturally, she spoke of the opening of the first game of the year in Busch Stadium, home of the St. Louis Cardinals. After we talked a little baseball, I said goodbye and hung up the phone.
One of my female coworkers overheard this conversation and said to me, “Your mother called to wish you a happy start of the baseball season! Is everyone in that town baseball crazy?”
For the most part, yes.
But here's the thing. Opening Day in St. Louis is like no other Opening Day in any baseball city anywhere. (Note: I have never been to any other opening day in any other baseball city so take that phrase with a grain of salt and don't sent me emails about how awesome it is in Oakland or Atlanta or wherever you live. Thanks.) Opening Day in St. Louis is treated like a holiday. People call in sick or just take off work altogether so they can watch the Anheuser Busch Clydesdales march around the field, so they can ooh and aah at the fireworks, and so they can honor former and current players and coaches in a way that is uniquely St. Louis. Or, to summarize this a little better?
Every year in high school, if Opening Day was on a weekday, my friends and I would skip school, head over to someone's house (whoever had parents that were either not home or very cool) and we would gather around the television, smoke stuff that was important to us at the time, drink stuff that is still important to us and listen to the radio shows that kicked off the pregame, which kicked off the game, which was about the most important thing in the world to us. Girls brought by plates of food and chilled in kitchens and on porches and talked (about God knows what). We barbecued, we argued about the validity of certain players and discussed the future of the team as a whole. We immersed ourselves in the magic that is a new beginning. But, unlike the beginning to a school year or to a relationship, this was the beginning of something very, very special.
In short, it was a huge damn deal. Still is.
Fast forward to the year of our Lord, 2007, and nothing has changed. Well, except for the fact that I live in Tampa, have few friends around here who care about the Cardinals, and Opening Day is being broadcast by ESPN2 (Midwestern teams are never good enough for ESPN?it's a cable broadcasting law) instead of by the local St. Louis affiliate.
Now, I am a busy guy. I've got a book I need to sell, I'm working two jobs again, and there's no way in hell I should be spending this Sunday night drinking heavily, watching the Cardinals, and bringing you another Sports Guy Style running diary.
But I am.
Because it's that damn important.
Game time is 8PM Eastern.
See you in an hour or so.
8:01
Jon Miller kicks off the baseball season by being all poetic and stuff: “Opening day is the first sweep of home plate. Opening day is nothing to lose. Opening day is the dream of repeating.” Opening day is also the first day of the season. He'll get to that later. He's a fine broadcaster, Mr. Miller.
(I can't help it. I'm freaking giddy.)
8:03
And we get our first shot of the Gateway Arch. Can't show a Cardinal game without seeing that thing twenty times. It's a cable broadcasting law.
8:05
Joe Morgan just kissed Albert Pujols' ass. Now, it's baseball season, baby.
8:07
Two things you need to know. First, I'm on my fourth beer (starting off with Killians, which will give way to Heineken in the second inning) and second, Peter Gammons got a haircut and added some David Byrne style glasses. He looks like he should be trying to sell me a Ferrari (okay, he looks like he should be selling some rich guy a Ferrari?whatever).
8:11
The Mets lineup just reminded me of something: the Mets are a very good team. It's for insight like this that I am here. Feel free to thank me by paying into my paypal account. Please.
8:13
Chris “Carp” Carpenter starts off the game by getting Reyes to ground to Pujols for the first out of the season, followed by Paul Lo Duca grounding out to new-old second basemen Adam Kennedy (he used to be with the Cardinals), which is followed by Carlos “I will Kill Your Team” Beltran lining a shot to Kennedy, which he plays gallantly off his wrist and chucks to first for the final out of the inning.
Welcome back, Kennedy. Hope you get better as the season progresses. At any rate, it's a one two three inning. So far, so good. Only 1,457 more innings to go this year. Piece of cake, right?
Right?
8:21
2006 World Series MVP, David Eckstein gets jammed and bloops a single to center off soon-to-be-hall-of-famer Tom Glavine. We're taking it all again this year. I'm calling my bookie.
8:23
Preston Wilson grounds into a double play. I hang up on my bookie.
8:25
Glavine runs the count full on Pujols, who reaches for a pitch and flies out to Beltran. There's nothing funny about that, so I want to tell you a line that an angry, married Argentinean man told me on Thursday night:
“All women are shit.”
You can do with that what you like.
8:27
Charlie Sheen is using his Ricky Vaughn character from a twenty year old classic movie (“Major League”) to sell HDTV. I just threw up in my mouth.
8:30
Hearing Joe Morgan pronounce the word “accurately” is one of the greatest joys of my life.
One on, two outs for the Mets, who, by the way, did not win the NL pennant last year.
8:31
Shit. Shawn Green just singled to make it first and third. Special thanks to Jon Miller for uttering the phrase, “Green has never had a hit against Chris Carpenter” right before the swing. Remind me to invest in a voodoo doll.
8:33
Pujols just grabbed a liner to end the inning. It's game one, but I'm still very relieved. Kind of sad, huh?
8:36
Rolen hits a grounder to Reyes, who backhands it and throws to first for the out while Joe Morgan has an orgasm.
8:38
Edmonds and his post-concussion syndrome strike out to end the inning.
8:41
Just tried to post and my computer is being a little bitch. I just kicked it. Hopefully that will help. Anyway, Glavine gets a base hit off Carpenter to lead off the inning. It is never a good sign when the pitcher leads off an inning with a hit. Never.
Oh, and for those of you who are American League fans, in the NL, we let the pitchers hit. You know, seeing as how they're playing and all.
8:43
Reyes strikes out, Lo Duca grounds to Rolen, who gets Glavine at second. Two outs for Carlos “Kiss my Hispanic Ass” Beltran?
8:45
And Beltran misses a homerun by a few feet (foul ball). Time to switch to Heineken. Excuse me.
8:46
Carpenter hits Beltran (good move) to see Delgado (bad move). The Mets lineup is stacked like the late Anna Nicole Smith.
8:48
So Taguchi pays homage to every crappy outfielder in the world by flubbing a deep rip by Beltran. It's 2-0 Mets after the double.
8:49
Pujols with a sweet barehanded grab to end the inning.
Ahh, Heineken keg cans.
8:52
Tonight at 11 on ESPN2: major leaguers discuss the movie, “The Natural.” If you think I'm missing that, you do not know me.
8:54
With one out, Adam Kennedy restarts his Cardinal career with a triple. Welcome back, Adam. Sorry we traded you, but well, we needed a center fielder. You understand, I'm sure.
8:55
Well that sucks. Carpenter bunts, Kennedy runs into an out. Now, our pitcher's on base, there're two outs and our scoring chance is gone. That is, unless David Eckstein hits a homerun.
(Yeah, we're screwed.)
8:57
Eck flies out as I die a little inside.
To borrow a phrase from my mom: “Big sigh.”
9:00
Alou flies out to Edmonds, Green singles and Morgan mentions that Carpenter's bunt may have worked if it had gone more than a few inches. Thank God I have my Heineken.
9:02
Green moves to third on a Jose Valentine single. First and third, one out. Carp doesn't look too bad. The Mets look too good.
9:03
Glavine sacrifices. Jose Reyes comes to the plate with two in scoring position and one out. How good are you, Carp?
9:05
Reyes gets the walk. The bases, like the players, are now juiced.
9:07
Hey, we'll soon get to see the Mets Manager (Willie Randolph) get interviewed during the game. Does anyone enjoy it when they interview the mangers during the game? I mean, besides the manager and the interviewer. Christ on a stick, I hate the in game interview like I hate the Cubs, fat chicks and hot, older women who insist on telling me, “honey, you're just a baby.” Bitches.
9:09
Crap, crap, crap! Lo Duca with a base hit up the middle. 4-0 Mets. Excuse me while I go punch perfectly innocent furniture.
9:11
Another base hit. 5-0 Mets. I'm gonna take so much shit tomorrow?
9:13
Delgado grounds out to Eckstein. I think it's time to mention that ESPN mentioned that Carp has never lost an opening day start, that teams who lose in the post season always come back to play those who beat them in said post season very strongly and that, because of this fact, it would have been smart to have bet on the Mets for this game.
Hey, Willie's being interviewed. Let's see if something interesting comes out of it.
9:15
Nope. Nothing interesting came out of it.
9:19
Cards go one two three. Meanwhile, that annoying John Cougar Mellencamp commercial/song is now being applied to baseball. I'm pissed off on about thirty different levels, right now.
But fear not, in sixty seconds, we'll get in an in-game interview with recent DUI recipient and famous manager, Tony LaRussa. I can't wait.
9:21
That interview was pointless and stupid. But hey, at least it distracted from the game.
9:24
Thus far, the fifth inning has provided a Mets' single and Jon Miller's description of Tony LaRussa's DUI. Baseball is life, baby. It's freaking life.
9:26
It's fun to hear Joe Morgan say “comfortable”, but not as fun as it is hearing him say “accurately.” Not near as fun.
9:27
Cards get out of the inning. I get into beer eight.
9:30
Molina gets a base hit while Jon Miller talks shit about his hitting. Keep it up, Jon. Keep it up.
9:31
Jon Miller just told us that Joe Morgan drives slow. This is what passes for comedy in the world of baseball announcing.
9:33
Valentin turns a double play. I'm on my ninth beer and I hate everyone right now. Now is NOT the time to call me. Hey, I think I'll make a phone call.
9:34
So Taguchi grounds out to Glavine. Jon Miller just used the word “dazzling” to describe Tom Glavine's game thus far. I'm giving you the finger, Jon.
9:58
The Cardinals are down 5-1. I've been watching the game while talking with fellow PIC blogger Roxanne Hamm who is not related with Mia Hamm (just felt like clearing that up).
10:16
Just hung up with Roxanne in time to see that State Farm commercial where the State Farm agent gets the little league basketball team to play zone and I thought to myself, “that dude should coach the Knicks.”
Anyway, we're in the eighth inning, the Cards are still down by four. We've had a few scoring chances but basically, we've been failing miserably at coming through. I hate it when my team doesn't play well while I write about them.
Ooh, hold up. Peter Gammons is interviewing Tom Glavine.
10:18
Tom Glavine's good, in case you missed the interview. Oh, and the Mets are bringing in their second reliever. This is starting to be no fun.
What do I mean, “starting to be”?
10:21
Joe Smith (from Cincinnati) is in to pitch. This is his major league debut. We're making history here, people. History.
10:26
With Aaron Miles (pinch hitter) and Eck on base with one out, Albert Pujols walks to load the bases. Scott Rolen comes up to bat. He's the tying run. This is very important so Willie Randolph goes to the bullpen. Me, well, I'm going to the fridge. It's beef and green beans time, baby.
Oh, and it's beer number twelve for those of you scoring at home. We're all lucky I can type right now. (Okay, fine. I'm lucky I can type right now.)
10:30
Rolen hits into a double play. I feel like going up to the bar, putting my head down, and crying.
10:33
As the green beans cook, I think I'll take this opportunity to give you a snippet I heard at the last baseball game I umpired.
Coach: Did you hear Bud Selig getting interviewed about how he can get more black people into baseball?
Me: No. I missed that game.
Coach: I want to know when someone will interview David Stern about how he can get more white people into basketball.
Me: That won't happen.
Coach: Yeah. Jews are racist.
Me: You're Jewish.
Coach: Really?
10:37
Brad Thompson gives up a hit to Jose Reyes and then picks him off. That's good work, right there. Of course, it doesn't matter because Lo Duca drives in another run (there was a runner on third) to make it 6-1. If I weren't writing this diary, I'd have shut this game off right now.
Oh, and by the by, it's official. I'm drunk. Wouldn't drive a car if you paid me right now.
(Note: I'm too drunk to come up with a LaRussa-DUI joke here, so please insert your own. Thanks for your help.)
10:43
Bottom of the ninth. We only need five runs. I've seen it happen before. Yadier Molina at the plate?
Let's go Cardinals. Let's go Cardinals. Let's go Cardinals…
Please!
10:46
Molina dumps a base hit into center. Spezio pinch hits for Edmonds. On an unrelated note, my food's almost ready.
10:47
Pop up. One out.
10:48
Taguchi singles. Gary Bennet up to pinch hit for the pitcher. He should be good for the second out (and yes, that's bitterness you smell).
10:50
Bennet and Miles get out. Glavine wins his 291st. That's the ballgame. Thanks for coming out.