Jesse: Mr. DeGraaf, this is Jesse Johnson from the Future Alcoholics of America Club. I am calling to inform you that you have won a no expense paid trip to Daytona Beach, Florida where you will have every opportunity to throw back some beers with a crazy man who's riding a bicycle across the country. A return call is expected. Thank you, sir.
Jesse: Mr. DeGraaf, this is Jesse Johnson from the Alcoholics of America Club calling for you again. Due to a glitch in our system, we wrongly assigned you to the Future Alcoholics of America Club. Our records indicate?as I'm sure you are aware?that you belong in the Present Alcoholics of America Club. Please accept our apologies in the form of one free drink of your choosing in Daytona Beach. Once again, a return call is expected.
Mike: What are you doing today?
Me: Going to Daytona.
Mike: Why the hell would anyone go to that trashy ass place?
Me: My friend is resting there after thirty five or so days of riding a ten speed across the country to raise money for Haitians kids. I figured I'd visit him.
Mike: Umm? okay. I wasn't aware that you had any friends who were actually weirder than you. That's good to know.
Waitress: So, what brings you to this side of the state?
Me: My friend is riding a ten speed across the country to help raise money for Haitian kids.
Waitress: Wouldn't it be easier to just like send money or something?
Me: You didn't bother going to college, did you?
Waitress: What for?
Jesse: So my face is just covered in zits because I have to put sun block on it every day that I bike.
Me: Whatever, Floyd.
Humbug: I tell you, steroids are everywhere nowadays. Even ten-speed riding ministers are into the HGH.
Me: This country is so fucked.
Humbug: Dude, why is your daughter eating off the table?
Jesse: ‘Cause if I give her a plate, she just throws it on the ground.
Humbug: You don't want to use like a paper towel or something?
Jesse: Dude, she's fine. Don't worry about it.
Humbug: Umm? okay.
Me: That's when I decided that whenever I was going anywhere, I was cycling.
Humbug: For no particular reason, I just up and started cycling across the great state of Alabama.
Me: When I was hungry, I ate. When I was tired, I slept. When I had to go, you know, I went. But for the most part, I was just cycling.
Jesse: You guys can stop any time now.
Jesse: One of the songs in my IPOD is “Running on Empty.” That song always makes me feel good when I'm exhausted from cycling all day.
Me: Dude, you're making it too easy.
Jesse: What do you mean?
Humbug: That song was on the “Forrest Gump” soundtrack.
Jesse: Fuck you guys.
Jesse: I stopped wearing deodorant.
Humbug: How's that working out for you?
Jesse: Good. I mean, you don't need the stuff. It just clogs your pores and hurts your skin. I mean, putting on that stuff is basically the equivalent of waking up and spreading a bunch of grease all over your face every morning.
Me: Don't you put grease on your face every morning?
Jesse: Yes.
Humbug: So, what's your point again?
Jesse: I don't wear deodorant anymore.
Me: Because you put grease on your face?
Jesse: Forget it.
Labels: snippets