If today is your birthday: It would not be a good idea to spend it covered in soy sauce. Unless you are my delicious fried rice.
Capricorn (December 21-January 20): You will go through days of painstaking research only to come up with the conclusion that the Internet is, in fact, weird.
Aquarius (January 21-February 19): It is just too fucking hot to give a horoscope. It is just too fucking hot. Fate is just going to tell stories and watch Ali G instead.
Pisces (February 20-March 20): You will learn the hard way that the things that make a surprise birthday party great do not work for a funeral.
Aeries (March 21-April 20): Avoid vagueness.
Taurus (April 21-May 21): In the inimitable words of the late, great poet ‘Ol Dirtinius Bastardium – “I don't have a problem with you fucking me, but I have a problem with you not fucking me.” Try this line at marriage counseling next Thursday, and tell Dr. Hinam I said hello.
Gemini (May 22-June 21): At 3:43 next Tuesday afternoon, you will suddenly and without warning get the feeling that it's just about 4:00.
Cancer (June 22-July 21): Your love of putting people down will finally be fulfilled to it's maximum potential when a sign misprint leads you to open a Pwn Shop.
Leo (July 22-August 20): (Lazy throwback) A misunderstanding of the phrase “trophy wife” will lead you to send out hundreds of embarrassing wedding invitations featuring you and the second place prize you took at last year’s local bass fishing competition.
Virgo (August 21-September 20): You will forever be haunted by last week's decision to order mushroom rather than sausage on your pizza.
Libra (September 21-October 21): The best way to describe tomorrow for you is a joke:
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
You're getting fired
What? Really?
And divorced. Although honestly, that's more'n likely due to the firing.
How is that a joke?
I thought it was a funny way to tell you.
Scorpio (October 22-November 20): Fate doesn't care what you say, Chlamydia is a beautiful name, and your son will thank you in the future. Just consider it.
Sagittarius (November 21-December 20): You will be shocked to see your grandmother on “When Animals Attack”, and even more shocked to see how easily her dentures ripped through that poor infant.