With so many big names running for President creating buzz in the media, I worry that we may all be overlooking somebody who is not so well known: me.
Yes, as of last Tuesday when Giselle dumped me, I decided to become a candidate too. Now, I could launch my campaign with the usual stuff about wanting to save the future of the planet and bring back honesty in government. But none of that is the reason for my decision. As a newly single man, I honestly think that running for the highest office in the land will do wonders for my online dating profile.
I won’t deny that it’s hard to be looking for that special someone again, but having entered the Presidential race, I am feeling much better about all the personal questions I have to answer on eHarmony and Match. In the past my responses didn't stand out. Now they are sure to intrigue the woman who clicks onto my profile expecting to spend the next seconds of her life reading about another guy who is into iguana wrestling and Peruvian takeout.
What is on my bucket list:
Become a frequent flyer on Air Force One; change someone’s life for the better by lowering their taxes. Be told that I will go down in history as “Rooseveltian” or “Lincolnesque.”
What I’m passionate about:
The Iowa Caucuses; late-night TV shows that might want to have me on as a guest. Also, the book I am writing. It is called Favorite Me, America: Why I Am the Right One for You, Right Now.
Where I like to hang out:
Churches, schools, convention halls; basically any large space that comes with a built in audience. But I am also comfortable in smaller venues, like a diner or a dentist’s waiting room where one-on-one conversations allow me to display my deep empathy. And any manufacturing plant where I can put on a hard hat and pretend to drive a forklift.
The most influential person in my life:
It’s not just one person. It’s a lot of different people, the American people. Their character and values sustained me through tough times. I can’t imagine my teen years without them.
What I’m looking for:
First and foremost she should be registered to vote. Without that, we would have nothing to build on in the relationship. But she should also care about the issues, though we don’t necessarily have to agree on everything and I would not expect her to embrace my position on “domestic unity” right off. In fact, I would welcome candid, constructive criticism about my strategies for wooing voters based on whether any of them were working on her.
My occupation:
We’ll find out on November 3, 2020.
Now I acknowledge that this last answer might sound a little dodgy on a dating profile. My employment prospects are admittedly uncertain. But that is how it is when you are going after the ultimate dream job in a democracy. If I knew that I would become the next Commander-in-Chief, then America would have a very different political system. So it is one of our great strengths that I don’t know.
So don’t wait until 2020, ladies! Vote for me now. Or if you have further questions, go ahead and message me. I don’t mind tough ones. It is good practice for facing reporters. I have nothing (much) to hide and am even prepared to disclose (a few of) the reasons why Giselle elected not to continue our liaison into a second term. I deeply regret one or two of my actions but feel I have grown in the last week and, after much soul-searching, am ready to move forward with somebody else.
How am I doing so far? All the polls aren’t in yet, but the initial response on eHarmony has been good. Next Saturday I have a date at a diner! She liked my smile and seemed eager to hear my views on tariffs. Only she said the profile photo of me standing next to the American flag looked a little “shopped.” So that is something I am still working on.
But the main thing is for me to keep getting my name and personal information out there. And come election year, ladies and gentlemen, as partisan rancor heats up all around us, remember to cast your ballot for love.