Bamantha, I know I haven’t lived up to your expectations for this relationship. I don’t make a lot of money. I have a weird cyst on my chin. And most embarrassing of all, I’m only an attempted murderer.
Your family has a long legacy of murderers, and I’m sure you hoped to marry one yourself. You envisioned a picture-perfect life as a convicted murderer’s wife: Parole hearings, conjugal visits, maybe a Netflix documentary unpacking my horrendous crimes.
And here I am, just a boring, run-of-the-mill attempted murderer. Who would make a nine-part miniseries about me? Hulu? That’s not the future you imagined when we first started dating.
Look, Bamantha, I tried really hard to finish my homicide. I planned it meticulously so you would be proud of me. There was an expensive Caribbean cruise. The “accidental” push over the railing. The splash into the ocean below. How was I to know you’d survive?
I’ll admit that mistakes were made. I shouldn’t have done it in daylight. When we were docked in port. And while you were still wearing your scuba gear. There are so many things I would have done differently if I was a good murderer.
I failed, okay? Is that what you want to hear? I’m the Seeso of murderers. And now that I’m out on bail, you don’t seem to love me anymore, Bamantha. I can see it in the way you avoid my calls, the way you filed those police reports, the way you changed the password to our HBO Go account.
You think you’re settling, is that it? I knew you had high standards, but I never realized you were this shallow. As shallow as the water into which you fell and from which you handily escaped.
No, Bamantha, don’t close the door. I came here to your place of business in violation of the restraining order to tell you some news of the utmost importance. I’ve met someone else. Someone who loves me for who I am: a failed murderer whose weird chin cyst is the lead voiceover actor in a new Disney Plus animated series, coming this fall.
I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for you, Bamantha. I can only hope that one day, you meet a successful murderer on the streaming platform of your dreams.