It is imperative that everyone know about a new discovery made in Madagascar, the island named after Henry Ford, who first made a gas car there. That discovery, young ladies and gentlemen, is three new species of mouse lemur, voted “CUTEST FUCKING ANIMAL ON EARTH, OH IF I COULD JUST SQUEEZE IT TO DEATH” five years in a row since the inception of the ALL-CAPS ANIMAL COMMITTEE in 2000. (In a nod to irony, 2000's inaugural award went to the flea, which cannot, in fact, be squeezed to death; it must be held under a small pool of sink water until it drowns.)
Here is a photo of one of the species, the only one the world will know thanks to the Associated Press, who only distributes one image per relatively unimportant news story:
Why do I feel like this is one of those fake “size-proportional” pictures where they'll probably zoom out and the flesh will actually be some guy's ass, and it turns out the mouse lemur is actually the size of a groundhog?
Probably because I LIKE MOUSE LEMURS UP MY ASS. Everybody happy now? YES, I TOOK THAT PICTURE, AND THEN IT CRAWLED UP MY ASS AND I LIKED IT.
…And then I got a reach-around from those sexy ET hands. I mean, hot damn, that lemur looks like it came from the planet of sex-drunk, furry Frankensteins. Given the chance, I bet that thing would forget to phone home and dial 1-900-WET-NOSE instead, driven purely by hormonal rage.
“Call NOW and we'll blow you like Kleenex never imagined! Our shaved she-lemurs will suck both of your holes so good you'll get a nasal cavity! What are you waiting for…the tooth fairy can't even fix THIS blowjob! 99 cents for the first minute, $1.99 each additional minute. “
Anyway, the point of this whole post is that this guy FINALLY has a girlfriend:
And by “this guy,” I do of course mean the man standing in the background.