Dear Beckster,
Before I left home again for school, you asked me about breaking up with what’s-his-face. Because I refuse to your job for you (and because our older sister is being your enabler), I have researched different ways to break up with someone and why one should choose that particular method. (I hope you know that you’re not supposed to choose any of these methods.)
“Break their little hearts so they never talk to you again” method:
This is the perfect choice for most occasions. You are breaking up with this person for some great reason, aren’t you? He cheated on you, he gets on your nerves to the point of contemplating murder, or you realized that going out with this person is a bad idea and he sucks. The best ways to ensure he never talks to you is by telling him the truth; if you could afford the best lawyer in the world, you would sue him for the amount of time you wasted on his sorry ass.
“Let’s just be friends” method:
So you can’t deal with the King of Drama anymore. That’s okay. You might want to settle the score very gently. If you break up with the Drama Club President gently, not only do you avoid a scene, you also are not giving him what he wants. Isn’t it beautiful?
“It’s not you, it’s me” method:
You feel bad about going out with Mr. Somewhat Nice because they’re just nice and little slow. It’s perfectly normal to not want to break Goody-2-Shoes’ heart. The only real problem with this is that he will talk to you constantly. He will want to know why you broke up with him. How could it possibly be your fault? Look what you’ve gone and done. Now he is upset because he thinks it is his fault (which it is for being too damn nice) because he really liked you. How could anyone he likes be so cruel?
“Let’s just be friends (I really mean let’s just keep fucking without being exclusive)” method:
Let me put it this way, Baby Sister; your little boyfriend will dead before he hits the ground.
“I want you to break up with me so I’m going to cheat” method:
Let me put it in this context; you will be dead before you hit the ground.
Little Becky, I hope one of these methods (the break their little hearts one) inspires you to finally deal with whatever boyfriend you’re going out with this week.
Sincerely,
Rocky*
*See? I wrote “Rocky” just for you.
Labels: beckster, overprotective much, pointless advice