Could we have a moment of silence please?
…
Thank you, and back to your regularly scheduled entertainment.
See? I’m continuing! Click here and then here for more details if you’re confused.
“If you’ll look to straight ahead you will see that we are coming to the “Just One of the Boys” park. In this exhibit, the girls are perfect representations of what the guys have said they wanted in a woman. Unfortunately these girls end up in the Friend Zone because it turns out guys don’t want to date their guy friends and that is what they end up thinking about the Tomboys. The Tomboys have a hard time getting guys' attention because they are not struttin' their stuff like peacocks. The silly Tomboys think that guys will actually like them for their personality. Too bad guys are visually oriented (and by “visually oriented” I mean they like to stare at boobies, legs, butts, and various body parts). Yes sir?”
“How did you manage to speak in parentheses?”
“(Talent). Let’s see if you can see what the major difference is between the Tomboys and their counterparts.”
“Leslie, you will not believe what my girlfriend did today!”
“Wanna bet?”
“She tried to pop my collar. If I wanted to pop my collar, my collar would be popped. Then she told me-“
“If you are going to tell me something as depressing as your whipped status, you are going to have to buy me a beer.”
“-that I couldn’t buy you drinks anymore because it’s like buying a woman a drink at the bar. I tried to explain to her that I don’t think of you like-”
“You better end in that sentence in such way that doesn’t piss off the one person willing to listen to your problems with Stacey.”
“-a sex object?”
“Now who is the manipulator? What? No one is going to guess? The answer is that they both are the manipulators. The guy friend knows his other friends won’t listen to the madness and Leslie knows, scratch that, Leslie is just a big softie milking her position as the friend is who willing to care. Any questions? You in the short skirt and the hooker boots?”
“Why would anyone put up with being treated like this? I mean, I couldn’t stand it if someone completely ignored my gender.”
“You know, some women actually fought to have their gender ignored. They were called “Femi-nazis,” and they tried to prove that they could do things just as well as men could. One day the men thought they had the upper hand when they challenged the Femi-nazis to an ejaculation contest. After realizing the Femi-nazis kicked their collective ass to Jupiter, so the losing party could get more stupider, the men realized they were collectively turned on by this mysterious female orgasm with optional spray. Since the Femi-nazis betrayed their gender by showing womankind’s most valued weapon against the man-beast stronghold, they and all of their descendents were sentenced to wear androgynous clothing until the end of time.”
“Really?”
“No, actually the Tomboys are usually okay with being friends with guys. It just gets a little tiring to the friend and never the girlfriend. They tend to be a little more understanding in that whole “attraction is a two-way street” school of thought. An interesting fact to note is that Tomboys are the most likely to completely change their dress and attitude for one night to prove that they can be fucking feminine too. This tends to confuse the shit out the boys who get conflicting messaging from their penises. The action tends to lead them to think “If she goes from ‘one of the guys’ to a girl, does this make her a tranny? What if I find her hot? Is this the first step in coming to terms with my gayness?” I believe you have a question sir.”
“You mentioned big egos earlier. What’s wrong with big egos?”
“Have you ever watched American Idol where people are convinced that they are amazing singers regardless of owning and operating ears? Big egos happen to affect the effects of gravity on an individual to the point where sometimes they just aren’t in touch with reality anymore. In other words, nothing that humble pie can’t fix. Speaking of which, the caters from Julep’s would like you to know that everyone is entitle to a piece of humble pie at the picnic at the end of this very special tour.”
Special Thanks to Leslie and Tillie for the awesome suggestion and Martin from bk for pointing out a good question that I should have addressed earlier. I still have at least one more group left if no one has anymore suggestions. I’ll try to wrap it all up Friday. (Sweet Jesus Juice this thing is already into its fifth page.)
Labels: a Femi-nazi tale, The Friend Zone, Tomboys