Nate DeGraaf once said that you should stick to stuff you know. I am convinced that no one knows more about girls who switch teams than me. Hell, I might have accidentally earned your girlfriend’s (and in one rare instance someone’s wife’s*) number, e-mail address, endless lust, and/or panties in the course of one night. I’m truly sorry if she tried to shove her tongue down my throat, especially when you weren’t even there to watch. I’m sorrier that you’re dating a cheating slut and that I almost became/did become the other woman.
There is just some quality that I have that just makes girls said this dreaded (and yes, it is very dreaded) sentence; “I think I lean towards the curious side of things.” If a past or current girlfriend has ever said this sentence to your face, she wasn’t being sexy. She was trying to forewarn you of her eventual trade to another team. If she’s current, you should either dump her now or try to get that threesome you’ve been wanting because right after that sentence is the perfect time. If she resists, you could easily bring up the argument that you are secure enough to expand your boundaries for her and new sexual development. Besides, what kind of girlfriend doesn’t want to share everything? You only want the best for her, even if that means letting her play with her gender while you try to recover.
My theory is that the dreaded quality that inspires spontaneous sexuality changes in women is the fact that I’m not sleeping with them. If I’m not sleeping with them, they become worried that I don’t find them attractive. No, it doesn’t matter that they don’t find me attractive. What matters is that I don’t find them attractive, which means there is something wrong with them, instead of, oh gee, I don’t know, maybe I’m just not attracted to straight girls** (especially with boyfriends).
Deep down, I believe every single one of the girls who tried to switch for me went through this line of thought:
Wow, she is really interesting. I’m learning something new everyday. I guess it just- whoa! What do you mean she’s bi? She can’t be bi. She’s not hitting on me, is she? Why is she flirting with everyone? Why isn’t she hitting on me, specifically? I’m pretty. She must think it’s wrong to hit on me. I know! I’ll just say I’m curious, that way she can hit on me and I can confirm I’m attractive because the fact that I have some one doesn’t really matter. They only think I’m attractive because they love me, not because they actually wanted to sleep with me in the first place. She still isn’t hitting on me? Am I ugly? Can’t be, she’s too nice. She must like me, but is too afraid to admit it. I know! I’ll tell her I like her, so she knows it’s okay to like me too. Why doesn’t she like me? Call me! Come back!!!! Please? I love you.
It’s kind of like when friends will start talking about what girls they find attractive, even if it’s all just a lie. Except, you know, when my friends do that, they aren’t confirming their own self-esteem, they are just letting me know it is okay to talk about stuff like that.
Not every girl who tries the switch-a-roo is taken, but those precious singles are usually saved for Girls-Gone-Wild or drunken encounters with their “best bud.” They tend to leave me alone until they have graduated from experimenting to mind fucking. Hooray for mind fucking!
Sincerely, the next time I get a phone call from an upset boyfriend for something I didn’t even do; I’m going to lose all hope in monogamy,
Roxy
*I still fucking hate you, you miserable excuse for someone’s matrimonial bliss.
**Yes, you can tell. Within 5 minutes of meeting someone, you can pretty much tell if they want to jump the bones of your gender. This instinct is called “Gay-dar.” Your Gay-dar is not always accurate, and not everyone has it. Use wisely.
Labels: switching teams, your girlfriend, your mom