Hi [Former Boss],
I hope you're well! Just wanted to drop a line to see how you're doing but not really because actually I want to know if you have any job openings for a 24-year-old toddler with an English degree and whose only marketable skill is spotting comma splices.
How are you? How's the company? I'm asking not because I care, but because I want to ensure that you still work here. You're my most valuable contact and would definitely not be able to find a job without your string-pulling. According to your LinkedIn, which I have open at the moment, you do still work here, so I'm in luck!
I've been keeping up with [company] via social media because I want to give the impression that I give a shit about the company on a level deeper than my own self-interest. Actually, I just scrolled through your Instagram like 10 minutes ago and got the gist of how the last year went.
It's been a couple years since we saw each other. In that time I've graduated college and I'm now looking to get established, starting with moving out. I've been considering moving to [city where your headquarters just happens to be based]. I hear there's something in the water there, ha ha!
How's the office doing? Is the guy who looks like Robin Williams that I shared a cubicle with still there? Are Christine and her husband still together? Do you still have applesauce in squeezable pouches for everyone?
Say, it just occurred to me that there might be a job opening with the company! You must need a social media manager. Twitter coordinator. Executive Instagrammer. I'm a Millennial, so you know I'm an expert in all things social media. As such, please give me the job. If you don't have a social media manager, I'll create the position! I'm all about innovation and taking the initiative. That's what makes me such a great employee! Exclamation points make me seem more approachable! I am definitely not sending this email to remind you that I was a decent unpaid employee and would like to become a decent paid one!
Anywho, I'm about to come back from my gap year abroad teaching English. I'll attach some photos I've been taking to document my travels from this year. However, my computer's been having this super weird glitch where whenever I try to attach anything it instead attaches my cover letter and résumé. Wacky, right? Sometimes you have to open the attachments and peruse them before the glitch subsides.
In any case, I'd love to get coffee with you once I'm back in your area. I understand that you're busy, so I could just meet in you in your office. I'd also have no trouble dressing business casual just for the occasion, and I understand that you value curiosity so if you have lots of questions about my work ethic and strengths and weaknesses I'd love to tell you all about them. It's always lovely to catch up over a snack.
I look forward to hearing from you! Please please please please hire me.
Warmly, Sincerely, Regards, Best,
That editorial intern the with curly hair
P.S. Congrats on your new baby! If you need a babysitter I'm your gal.