The first bike I ever bought for myself (it's been 14 years since I outgrew the last one my parents bought for me) was what I call a “tester”—a cheap version of a potentially expensive product that you buy so you can figure out how much you'll use it, what you like/dislike about it, etc. It's like the opposite of a warranty—first you get the cheapest version of something so you can fuck it up, and then later you buy the best kind you can find for the money so it won't ever break.
I bought my tester 8 months ago—a Schwinn Ranger. Before you go thinking, “Well Schwinn is a good brand,” take into consideration that I bought it on sale from Target. That's like going up to a sidewalk vendor in New York City and asking for their nicest Rolex. I didn't actually go into a Target, but I bought it through Amazon.com, and it shipped from Target. The cool thing was that it arrived at my doorstep almost entirely assembled.
So I rode around on this thing for a while in an attempt to see what I really wanted in a bike. The nice thing about spending barely over $100 on a bike is that I wasn't too concerned if it got stolen. It's like driving around a piece of shit car and leaving the doors unlocked half the time. Except if I was lazy I would just double-knot a piece of rope instead of wrapping the combination lock around a bike rack.
Six months after I bought it, things were not going so well. Out of 21 gears, I could only choose 3—gear 7, 14, or 21 (the right shifter never worked); gear 7 frequently slipped to gear 8 while pedaling (not a graceful thing to watch when climbing hills), and I was getting increasingly annoyed that I couldn't turn right or left without hitting one of my toes with the wheel or turning only when that foot was back (when I first got the bike I just thought it was shorter than most).
But despite those problems, I thought the one thing I'd spring for before buying a new bike entirely was new tires (get it? enTIREly…). I figured the mountain bike tread must be holding me back on the road.
With fear in my heart, I decided the fastest way to get some would be to go down to the local bike shop. I could sense the embarrassment already, taking a Target bike into a bike shop (the ultimate in cliquish industries) and demanding new tires to fix my problems, of which I would admit to none. I prepared for the worst, ready to defend my position by explaining that, “well at least it functions like every other bike.”
I rolled in to the bike shop casually.
“I'd like two of your cheapest street tires, please.”
The man was dressed in a ragged t-shirt and acted like he'd heard this a 1000 times already…that day. He walked 20 feet away and grabbed a box.
“Well, we've got these here. They should do the trick.”
“How much are those?”
“$39.”
“Each??”
“Yep.”
“Oh man, that's almost as much as my entire bike cost! I've only had this thing about 6 months, and I don't plan on keeping it much longer.” I was glad I'd pre-empted any jokes about my bike by taking the self-deprecation route.
The bike shop guy started to put the box back and then squinted at my bike to get a closer look. I cringed instinctively. Then he came closer, all the way to the handlebars, and got that snide, “well I know what your problem is” look we've all seen a million times at the auto mechanic.
“Did you know your front end's on backwards?”
“Huh?” I stumbled, confidence shattered, worst fears not only realized but compounded by genuine concern that it did not, in fact, “function like every other bike.”
“Yeah, the brakes are supposed to be on the other side of the fork, away from your body, and the handlebars are backwards. They should always face away from you. I mean, this bike obviously wasn't built for more than a toy store, but somebody really screwed up.”
Suddenly I felt bad about all the times naive non-bicyclists would come up to me just after I'd bought my bike and compliment me on “what a really great bike it is” and “how nice it looks.” After all, I was only riding a “toy store” bike, and a backwards one at that. I felt especially bad for the janitor in my building I once lied to after he asked me if it was a Mercedes. How could I resist taking advantage of the resemblance in company logos?
“Well, crap,” I said, not wanting to cuss just yet, but not sure where to go from there, besides downhill. But before I could say anything, the bike shop guy beat me to the punch.
“Haven't the tires been hitting your toes?”
Oh my god, he knows! He knows I've been riding around like a GODDAMNED FOOL for 6 whole months, hitting my toes at every left and right turn! I contemplated telling him I only rode it in a straight line to work and back every day. It's possible to live and work on the same side of the same street, right?
“Yeah, I was wondering about that. I figured it was just a shorter bike,” I replied from the depths of my pussy. I couldn't do it. No more lies.
“Well, looks like it's time for a whole new bike for you, huh?”
And with that, I was led on a 20-minute “tour of the lot” covering every make and model available for purchase, and the benefits of each type of bicycle. I kept waiting for, “That TruCoat, you don't get it and you get oxidization problems.” Instead I got white specks of saliva in my eye because this guy talked so much his mouth went dry and started crusting foam at the edges. I wanted to give him a glass of water so bad it felt like I was watching Tom Hanks struggle to survive in Castaway.
Eventually I left (without an impulse buy), too defeated to care that I had to consciously ride a broken-beyond-repair, backwards toy store mountain bike home.
I did some research and bought a new bicycle (a Specialized Sirrus) a couple of months ago. Luckily, it's worked out really well so far. Although to its credit, the Schwinn Splint did get me to and from places, even though it was a clumsy and strenuous ride.
But if there's one really important thing I learned, it's that a bike should always perform the way it's advertised. So if you ever see a mountain bike with a sticker on the frame like my first bike that says, “This bicycle is not designed for off-road use,” you might wanna go ahead and return it and pick a different tester.