Dave: This economy is horrid.
Nathan: So's your face.
Dave: You drink too much.
Nathan: So's your face.
Dave: Are you even listening to me?
Nathan: So's your face.
Once again, America is all screwed up. And once again, I am here to solve all the country's problems. Ho-hum, sigh and all that.
Before we begin, let's take a look at the three biggest problems facing the American voting public here in 2008. The list is short and important.
- The Iraq War (it's still going on).
- The economy (it sucks).
- Rising gas prices (they just keep on rising).
Many people will argue that the war in Iraq is helping rid the world of terrorists. Still others will argue that the war in Iraq is actually creating more terrorists. And there are also those few who believe that we need the terrorists to keep job security for the CIA. It's all a confusing mess. But I think I know how to solve it. Two words: amusement parks.
Everybody loves amusement parks. If we were to turn the country of Iraq into a giant amusement park, I believe that the Sunnis and Shiites would wander around their country peacefully, happily, and maybe with a little cotton candy stuck to their chins. I believe that instead of killing each other, they would simply spend their time playing those semi-rigged carnival games. Amusement parks can save the world. It's true.
(Note: May not be true.)
Now that I've ended the Iraq War, let's take a look at our struggling economy.
Our economy is not doing well. Food and gas prices are through the roof, our houses are worth less every minute, and I'm pretty sure most of our jobs are being sent to India. Not good times. Really tough times. But we can fix it. How, you ask? Two words: annex Mexico.
Look, Mexico is dirty, smelly and ugly. Mexicans fight tooth and nail to come to this country and escape their own. So why fight the natural urges? These two countries were made for each other. And imagine how much better our economy would be if we could blatantly exploit the resources of Mexico, too. I mean geez, why do I have to think of everything here?
Anyway, now that we've saved the economy by acquiring Mexico and solved the Iraq War problem through the use of amusement parks, it is time for me to single-handedly lower oil prices, which will in turn lower gas prices.
Lowering oil prices will be real easy. One of the things keeping oil prices nice and high is international demand. As long as we have to compete with other countries for oil, then we will pay way too much for the black goop. So, we need to make it an international law that no one is allowed oil except for the United States of America. Land of the brave and home of the free. Oh, and if they try to buy our oil, we get to kill them.
So there you go. By hoarding all the oil, annexing Mexico and changing Iraq into an amusement park, we can solve all of our country's problems.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to save the world.