Oh, relationships. When they’re good, they’re great. When they’re bad, you seriously contemplate homicide, homosexuality or both. College relationships are usually sought after for a variety of reasons: boredom, revenge, increased social status, financial gain, naïveté, or just a bit of genital exercise. But regardless which of these perfectly acceptable motives drives your commitment (or lack thereof), ultimately it will be your peers who will judge you, and then group you into one of the following 10 college relationships.
1. The Fighting Couple
If you are friends with either of these two, on behalf of the universe: I’m sorry. Staying friends with them will entail listening to hours and hours of bitching over completely mindless shit.
[complaining, whining, and whatnot]
“Yeah, it's totally understandable that you got mad at him for attending that study group with another girl. What a dick.”
Two hours later, they’ll be blowing off plans with you to make-up/out with each other. Then they’ll break up again and you will be the caring and considerate friend who consoles them while resisting the urge to carve matching “I DON’T GIVE A SHIT” tattoos into their Achilles’ tendons.
2. The Fuck Buddies
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You almost never see this couple spend any time together. Which might be a huge coincidence, or because in fact, they just don’t spend any time together. Sure, they don’t waste time with “romantic dinners” and “getting to know one another,” but who needs this type of expensive, platonic foreplay when you can dance and party with other members of the opposite sex all night long and then come home to guaranteed naked, horizontal dancing?
3. The Just In It for the Title Couple
This couple never really hangs out, they just like being in a relationship so they can plug that empty void in their life that can only be filled by the Facebook status, “In a Relationship.” They will casually drop their dating status into conversation whenever possible to prove they have found someone else just as miserable to share their pathetic excuse of a life with.
“Hey, do you know which assignment is due tomorrow?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t think my boyfriend knows either.”
“What?”
“I have a boyfriend!! I’m appealing to the opposite sex!”
4. The Popular Couple Everyone Envies
This couple is president of every club they’re in and have GPAs most people can only achieve with frequent, under-the-table office hour visits. This pair is really the Zach Morris and Kelly Kapowski of your school, except without the cheesy synthesizer segues between every interaction. They could literally throw dead kittens at a sinking school bus full of blind orphans and still receive a standing ovation. Visualize it, I’ll wait….
See how the orphans grab onto the kittens in vain? Truly brilliant symbolism for the consequences of missing parents.
5. The Married Couple
There's always at least one of these couples. They start dating in 6th grade and no matter what hardships they face—breaking up three times a day, going to different colleges, fighting off the financial and emotional debt of multiple abortions—they will always end up together. These people are too afraid to experience different partners and are not able to date others because they can't help but hope things work out with their lover. Never get involved with anyone who’s even been half of The Married Couple. Not that I’m bitter or anything….
6. The Indecisive Couple
These people are a couple of real cards. And by “real cards,” I mean “fucking assholes.” They’re the ones who take The Fighting Couple to the next, more irritating level. They break up every other day over miniscule shit like disagreeing over the correct meal times.
“Jeremy just never wanted to eat before like 8 o’clock at night and that's when my gut just told me he wasn't The One.”
Don’t worry, they’ll be back together in no time before splitting up three hours later based on differing opinions on which Baldwin brother has the better acting range, or because one of them feels there is, in fact, an incorrect way to eat a Reese's.
7. The Cheating Couple
Both partners in this relationship cheat on each other and everyone knows it, except for anyone actually involved in the relationship. This couple both keeps telling themselves that they have a healthy, committed relationship yet can’t see the truth no matter how obvious it may be. But I’m sure your boyfriend was telling you the truth when he came home wearing that used condom. After all, he did tell you he loved you.
8. The Sickening in Love Couple
If you fall into this category, do us all a favor and use your hair dryer/electric razor in the shower tomorrow morning. This couple is always together, ignoring their more important friendships while taking pictures of themselves cuddling so they can each set it as their matching Facebook pictures, thus letting the whole world know how “Tom Cruise-in-love” they are (I have just been informed that I’ve now used the most Facebook references in an article that is not about Facebook). You know what would be terrific? If this couple could resist from disgusting PDA just because they have the opportunity. Everyone has a little willpower, even if it is buried under the largest, most achingest, breakingest heart ever. Instead of making me run though an obstacle course of couples rounding third base on my way to class, find a dirty bathroom stall like any other civilized person.
9. The Sorta, Kinda Together Couple
This stellar pair resembles The Fuck Buddies, while being the total opposite of the Just In It for the Title Couple. They like banging and maybe even spending time with each other occasionally, but realize that as soon as people find out they are no longer single, their bullpen of additional interested prospects will be cleared out quicker the Kansas City Royals’ with a sane general manager.
10. The Normal Couple
You don't fall into this category. Sorry.