By Matt House
1. Couples That Sit on the Same Side of a Table at Restaurants
I don’t hate couples. I used to be a third of one—me, my girlfriend, and the guy she was cheating on me with. But I’ve never been so pathetic as to resort to this public display of affection.
The whole ordeal is entirely awkward. Eye contact is almost impossible when having a conversation unless one of you is sitting with their head cocked at a ninety degree angle. When the waitress carries out the food, instead of being able to spread out and eat, the couple is forced into cramped quarters with plates, cups, greasy fries, and well-done Salisbury steaks. Furthermore, all the patrons around you are staring at you and your pathetic attempt to make sure the entire restaurant knows you’re doing Helen the Bearded Butcher.
Meanwhile, there is an entirely empty opposite side of the table. That is the job of a table: to hold things and make things convenient for us humans. Is it really fair for two people who can’t seem to stop groping each other deprive a table of its one joy in life? No, it’s not. And it’s not fair for two people to make paying Denny’s customers sit and watch you spoon feed Helen tapioca pudding, either.
Sit on the other side.
2. Earwax in People's Ears
This has to be one the most unattractive things I have ever seen. I was at a bar the other night and this absolutely stunning female entered the bar and sat down to have a drink right next to me. When I say stunning, I mean a mix between Rachael McAdams and Claire Danes in Romeo and Juliet. That's how attractive she was. This does not happen often so needless to say I was pumped.
I attempted some terrible pick-up line and fumbled through it. She laughed at my pitiful attempt to initiate conversation foolishly thinking I was acting that way on purpose. We talked for a solid twenty minutes and I bought her a few drinks (although when she wanted Jager, I should have realized she had no class). Everything was going wonderfully until she turned her head down to grab a pen to write down her number, which gave me a clear shot of her ears. Gross. She must have had at least two layers of yellow-brown grime caked around her inner ear. What's worse, it was reproducing and spreading to the outer ear and the lobe. It looked like some sort of ivy growing up a house.
I kept looking away but the wax would not stop staring at me. I swear it was alive. She handed me the napkin she wrote her number on but when she turned away I put it in my mouth. I know that sounds out of panic, but I could not be associated with someone whose ears looked like a Petri dish of fungus.
I puked later that night, not because of the vinegar and vodka shots I made myself, but because of that chick's ears. I am officially suggesting a Public Service Announcement for proper ear maintenance. Everyone, they're called Q-tips. They cost $3.79 for 500 of them. It's a necessary purchase.
3. Clothes That Say "PINK" on Them, But Aren't Pink
Does this make any sense? I can't tell you how many times I've seen a girl walking to class as her ass attempts to digest her exposed thong and towel-fabric shorts (you know the ones I'm talking about? The ones that SPELL slut and when you pass, the stench of STDs are practically palpable?? Yeah, those). But what really gets me is that no matter what color these shorts are-blue, purple, green, Egyptian sunset, etc.-they all say the same thing: PINK.
I'm sure there is some brilliant logic behind the naming of this line. We know girls traditionally wear pink and girls have pink genitalia (we hope). But I don't care what explanation they try to give me, the idea is just dumb. With the exception of people who are colorblind, the whole line makes absolutely no sense to anyone. Why would a company decide to make a line called "PINK" and then make their products every color but pink? That seems as logical as Viagra coming out with their product and calling their new line Tylenol. At least that retarded marketing scheme would make my day a hell of a lot more interesting when I pass people that are hung over from the night before.
4. People Who Start Conversations Off "Not Trying to Be a Bitch"
Yes, you are. If you have to lead off with this disclaimer to any conversation, then you are very conscious of the bitchiness you are about to spew. To make this a politically correct complaint, guys who say "Not trying to be a dick but…" are just as guilty. Obviously you are aware that what you are asking or saying is going to upset someone/make them mad/lead to them pissing in your gas tank. If you are audacious enough to blatantly piss someone off, just say it. It is actually moreinfuriating to hear a warning about the conversation. Lord knows I don't want to pursue a conversation with you when that's the first thing you say. It's like when someone asks if they can ask you a question. They didn't really leave you a choice in that decision. You just don't initiate communication like that.
5. People Who Play Nintendo Wii
If video games are the only way to get fat kids off their asses and actually lose seven pounds, then so be it. While I cannot concede that this new physical video game is the best (do you remember Olympics and Track and Field on the original NES? I broke a toe running on that power pad to beat Cheetah. He was so fast, I had to use my hands to cheat and beat him. And you know the Japanese creators made this game to make us look stupid. "Look. Make computer fast. American fail. Ha." But we showed them, didn't we Hiroshima? Watching us fail at track and field isn't so funny now with your six eyes, huh?), Nintendo Wii is at least a step in the right direction to cure obesity.
My issue lies with all the video game junkies whocomplain about being tired and worn out from playing Wii. They deserve to be locked in a room with Grey's Anatomy re-runs playing before getting a paper cut on their urethra and pouring salt on it. You are using your wrists! That's like complaining that you're tired for jerking off! Try walking, fatty.
6. People Who Stand in Doorways
I really wonder what is going through the minds of the oddities that decide to place their fat asses in the middle of a doorway. Out of a hallway 50 yards long and probably 4 yards wide, that gives people approximately two hundred square yards to tie their shoes, pick their ass, or start a conversation. Why, then, do they choose to stand in the six foot corridor that every other student has to walk through to get to class? Have people come to crave attention and acceptance so much that they have to strategically plan out when to "run into someone" so that they meet right in front of the door? Do you think that the people passing you think you're popular because you're stopping traffic with your conversation?
No, they are passing you thinking you're a douchebag for being so selfish and ignorant of everyone else around you. Furthermore, the girl you're talking to is ugly. The worst part about it all is how they glare at you when you bump into them and interrupt whatever important matter they were attending to. Then they stare you down expecting an apology for something they were being inconsiderate for. How important are these people in the world?
I hope God loves irony and makes them doormen at some hotel in ten years and has some obnoxious broad sit on her cell phone in the doorway as they try to lug up twelve suitcases to the private suite. That's karma.
7. People Who Travel in Packs to Parties
Since I live on a busy street off-campus inhabited by other college students, I am often witness to influxes of freshman and sophomores trekking up our hill to the closest keg. Our house has even been known to throw a few parties and nothing is more annoying than peering out my window to see an orgy of these vagrants sniffing their way toward the smell of stale beer and sex. It immediately kills any good vibe and the balance of any party when three thousand new people decide to show up simultaneously.
I am somewhat sympathetic of freshman for committing such a sin during the first weekend of school. You don't know anyone and want to find the "it" party where everyone is so you can begin networking, making friends, and possibly even picking up a late night companion. After this first weekend, though, this act is totally prohibited. A week in, you should have at least established a relationship with your roommate or kids in your hall. They are the people you should be walking with to parties, not your entire class.
New rule: If you ever find yourself in a group of 7 or more (6 or more if it's all guys or girls) immediately break off into two groups. That may even been too big.