Anyone who has spent a decent amount of time in an affluent urban area has come in contact with at least one cheerful denizen hoping to spread his or her particular strain of awareness to you. If you're like me, you believe whole-heartedly in the freedom of expression—that these such people should have the liberty to ask for a moment of your time. This same right, however, extends to you, the target demographic, giving you a range of ways to have a laugh at this clipboard-holding, placard-waving, lame-t-shirt-wearing idealist's expense. Here are a few ideas to get you started next time one of these fine fellows stops you on the street.
1. Cacophony
Play the copy-cat game with them, attempting to say everything they say to you before they finish saying it. If they get frustrated and give up on you, call them a quitter and walk away. If they try to keep talking after the amusement has died, pat them on the shoulder and inform them that you've “just been fucking with them” and then continue with the rest of your day.
2. The Schedule Joke
Part One: For those of you who own Personal Digital Assistants, tell the Cause-Head to hold on a moment while you check your schedule to see if you have time for them. Pull out your PDA and open up one of the games it's sure to have in it. Play that game for a brief time and then shove the screen as close as possible to (but not touching) the Causer's face, loudly exclaiming, “Fuckin' High Fuckin' Score, BIIIITTTCCHHH! AHHHHHHHHH!!!” and then walk away as if nothing happened.
Part Two: This one only requires paper and a writing utensil. Just as before, pretend to check your schedule, but actually draw a crude stick figure about to be crushed cartoonishly by an anvil, with an arrow pointing to the stickman saying “You” beside it. Tear out the piece of paper, hand it to the Causer, and smile politely as you saunter forward into the future.
3. The Special Friend
Tell the Cause-Head no, you personally don't have time for them, but your very special friend does. Quickly draw a face on your hand using the old “thumb is mouth” technique. Using a falsetto, make the hand character as lewd and irritating as possible, even going so far as to make him or her beg the Causer to let him or her suck on the Causer's pen. You could even name the hand, if you are so inclined. When the hand becomes unbearably rude, apologize for its abhorrent behavior and say you suspect it's been hitting the lotion pretty hard this week. Proceed to hurry away as if you are ushering the hand from the scene, apologizing over your shoulder the whole way.
4. Simple But Effective
Hit on them. I don't care how you do it. Drop lines like “Did it hurt… when you fell from Heaven” or something along those lines. Maybe even genuinely flirt, commenting on their nice hair, pretty eyes, or charming disposition, BUT BY NO MEANS SHOULD YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR POLITICAL MOTIVATIONS. *Caution: Only do this if the Causer is actually attractive and you yourself are romantically available. The worst that can happen is they leave you alone, but there's an outside chance they might truly respond and you end up with a date. Amusing yourself with a random encounter is one thing, but being an asshole is another ballpark altogether. The aim is to confuse this person, not diminish their faith in humanity as a whole.
5. The Broken Heart
Respond enthusiastically to them and quickly, I emphasize this, quickly relate it to your own political cause… which just happens to be the preservation of a species of animal that has already gone extinct (such as the dodo bird or that funky-looking quail) or the liberating of a political prisoner who is either deceased or already free (such as Nelson Mandela or even Mumia whenever they put him down). Should the Causer inform you of the endangered creature's demise or the political figure's current state, slowly break down in front of their eyes with extreme but believable disillusion, whimpering about how your whole life has been a lie or some such melodrama. If the poli-eco-dunce isn't aware that this particular subject of plackarteering is no longer on the ballot or mortal coil, you can choose to inform them of their lack of education or merely go home and laugh about it with your friends, because you are obviously a superior person.
6. The Expensive One
For such an occasion as a street Causer, always keep an instant camera on-hand. Quickly whip out the cardboard Kodak and start snapping frantic pictures of them. You can take many approaches to this. One is the Art Photographer method, asking them to get in strange poses or hold certain objects in an absurd Dadaist display. Another popular one is the Supermodel Mogul, that stereotypical British bloke who rambles on with a series sounding like “Yes! Yes! Perfect! You are a SEX KITTEN! Show me BEAUTIFUL, baby! Work it!” One last suggestion, for those who enjoy extreme political incorrectness and happen to be of Asian descent (I think you know where I'm going with this), pretend to be a tourist from China, Japan, Korea, or one of such South-Eastern Asian origins. Go for the money shot, that whole big smile and peace sign picture (which, incidentally, doesn't mean peace in Japan, it means V for Victory), but you get the point.
7. Reality Check
What kind of prick are you? I mean, can't you just be a respectful person and just say no, but thank you? I mean, geez, what an ass you are! I can't believe you actually LAUGHED at some of this stuff. God… don't even talk to me, you're so yesterday.