Your relationship is going great. Weeks, months, hell, even years go by and things settle down. Other than the declining amount of sex you're having, you're happily comfortable. Who wouldn't be? Your food is cooked, you get to use the phrase “my girlfriend,” you meet your lady’s friends (one of which is almost always hotter than your girlfriend, with a better personality) and when going out with your buddies and their girlfriends, you're never the 3rd, 5th, 7th, or 9th wheel (although many truckers would deny that these are actually bad wheels).
Then out of the shadows comes one of the following cock-blocking, girl-stealing motherfuckers. They may have acted like they were your buddy, they may have earned your trust by grabbing you a Rolling Rock at parties, and based on sheer logic, you may have never, ever thought that they could interfere with your love life. After all, you’re a good-looking, intelligent, sensitive guy who knows your girl inside and out.
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But that doesn’t matter in the realm of relationships. See, at this young stage in our lives, girls are fickle, thrill-seeking creatures who will most definitely fuck you over in the long run (not that things necessarily change when you get older). I'm not saying guys don't do it (oh, cause we do!!), but it's a proven fact that guys fall in love faster and out of love slower than girls. You don't have these situations in the reversal of gender roles, so don't jump on my nuts, ladies. It's not my fault you're imprisoned by your God-given concoction of hormones that don't support good moral stature and relationship fortitude.
And because of this, these guys come in and get head from your girlfriend at a party while you’re playing beer pong with her hot friend (you remember, the one with the sweet personality). Some are less obvious about it though, and that’s why I have this list: so you guys out there with girlfriends can prepare.
That said, let’s see this bitch.
10. The Emo Poet
(Warning Color Code: Angst Black)
Tools: Ability to cry at a moment’s notice. Always carries a pen and paper (your girl’s number easily obtained). Has a vagina (can relate).
What to look for: Black clothes, runny makeup, and thick-framed glasses. Writes in journal while sitting in the rain.
Hints your girlfriend might be going to him:
“Why don’t you write more poetry?”
“There’s no milk? It’s okay, you can cry. Let it all out…why aren’t you crying?”
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!”
9. The Metrosexual
(Warning Color Code: Bodacious Neon Orange)
Tools: Ability to relate to your girl about Gucci and Prada. Has an orange glow and highlights.
What to look for: Dances like an idiot. New Jersey license plates, popped collar.
Hints your girlfriend might be going to him:
“I bought you this Ralph Lauren shirt. Okay now fold up the collar…yeah, that’s hot.”
“Why don’t you go tanning…no, you don’t have to have a vagina to do ‘that’…it’s sexy!”
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!”
8. The Best Friend
(Warning Color Code: Yellow-Bellied Amorphous Yellow)
Tools: “Always there” (awww). Has been listening to her bitch about you since the beginning of your relationship. Has put in tons of hours into trying to get laid.
What to look for: The guy who’s at her apartment when you’re not. Lack of a spine (which is luckily pretty obvious to spot…look for an amorphous blob on the floor, putting together a scrapbook).
Hints your girlfriend might be going to him:
“Justin (or an equally plausible spineless-bastard name) bought me these cute flowers/stuffed animals/earrings/panties today.”
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!”
7. The Frat Boy
(Warning Color Code: Piss-Stain Yellow)
Tools: Rohypnol, jungle juice, lack of shame.
What to look for: A sweatshirt with Greek letters AND beer stains. The guy with piss running down his designer jeans (to tell the difference, the Metrosexual uses a napkin to dabble the urine off of his little penis).
Hints your girlfriend might be going to him:
“I’m going to the Pike party tonight…no, you can’t come, it’s a girl’s night out silly!”
“So then I woke up and walked home bowlegged.”
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!”
6. The Tutor
(Warning Color Code: Geometry Blue)
Tools: Is in a power-position. Knows the geometric location of the G-spot. Desperate.
What to look for: A protractor/slide-rule, pressed button-up shirt with short sleeves.
Hints your girlfriend might be going to him:
“Oh you like that pussy? That’s your pussy, boy, oh yeah…hit that… HIT THAT SHIT at the sine of X when y and z are equal to 160. Oh and please show your math.”
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE LAW OF INVERSE PROPORTIONS!”
5. The Ex
(Warning Color Code: Virgin’s Blood Red)
Tools: Has a “relationship logging road,” in which he is able to walk through the old emotions to her pussy, no matter how much shrubbery has grown along the way (I don’t mean merely public hair).
What to look for: The guy standing next to your girlfriend in all the pictures that she hides under her bed, in that locked box, beside her dildo.
Hints your girlfriend might be going to him:
“That’s a back massager.”
“I’m just going to catch up with him.”
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!”
4. The Barbarian
(Warning Color Code: Moose-Call Brown)
Tools: Barbaric yalp. Can kill and trap animals. Treats your girl with utter disrespect.
What to look for: Facial hair, bear-skin attire, axe.
Hints your girlfriend might be going to him:
“I’m going over to Thor’s cave, I’ll be home late!”
“I can’t remember the last time you brought a bear home for me!”
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!”
3. The Milk Man
(Warning Color Code: Skim Green, 1% Blue, or Vitamin D Red)
Tools: Milk (ladies love it!), mysterious manner, visits while you’re at the office.
What to look for: An offspring that does not bear the traits of either you or your lady (say, black skin).
Hints your girlfriend might be going to him:
“Why’d you buy that gallon at the store?”
“I bought the Milk Man a Christmas present…well uh… it’s uh…uh…gloves. Yes… gloves… gloves for his penis.”
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND MY NUTRIONAL NEEDS!”
2. The Jobless Loser
(Warning Color Code: Enormous Credit-Card Debt Purple)
Tools: I have no fucking clue here. Their dangerous lifestyle of Cheetos and Halo?
What to look for: Stained Nirvana t-shirt, vile odor rising like smoke from various areas, baggy of pot hanging out of shorts.
Hints your girlfriend might be going to him:
“I need a guy without any sort of stability who I’ll have to support wholly through my job at Ruby Tuesday’s.”
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!”
1. Me
(Warning Color Code: Enormous Penis Pink)
Tools: Enormous penis, blog at PointsinCase.com.
What to look for: Enormous bulge, Parliament Light in hand, your girlfriend’s face on his crotch.
Hints your girlfriend might be going to him:
“I read this article today.…”
“I’m not in the mood tonight.”
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME…or my need for a huge, throbbing cock.”
I hope this helps fellas. Good luck and protect what’s yours!
Need more manly assistance? Read Nick's blog The Lady's Trim »