Loyal Customers,
Thanks to thousands of feedback cards, our Board of Directors has concluded that our company still includes far too much of company founder Harold Schwab. We’ve spent the past 70 years changing with the times and sadly, Harold has not.
As of last week, we’ve re-branded and are actively searching for a new face for the company (preferably one without greasy Ray-Bans and bedsores!)
We’re RACING to clarify
During his frequent and unplanned visits to our tire shops, Harold Schwab presented a COMPLETELY FALSE company vision which we’re eager to correct!
- We do NOT only sell white-wall tires.
- Complementary road-side assistance does NOT include a “cruise to da make-out spot”
- We RESPECT electric car owners. They are NOT “Westside pussies”
PUMPING THE BRAKES! Re: Harassment
We pride ourselves on giving each customer the time and attention they deserve, but that attention shouldn’t include asking if you've got a “steady” and bragging about staying out past 10.
Our “Safety First” mantra has also come into question. An employee, who will remain nameless, is accused of blowing smoke rings at toddlers and threatening to “rumble” with anyone who’s “gotta problem wit dat.”
And don’t even get us started on the racial stuff…
The Board is confident that our FULL RE-BRAND will remedy our past indiscretions.
“Even LESS Schwab” is ready to show you the FUTURE OF TIRE REPAIR!
- Even LESS waiting
- Even LESS fine print
- Even LESS glass on the floor from someone smashing the (clearly decorative) jukebox
- EVEN. LESS. SCHWAB.
SPOILER Alert
Your credit card information has been compromised, and the man responsible is none other than company founder and late '80’s Brian Wilson look-alike, Harold Schwab.
In an act of rebellion, Harold has formed a street gang with noted creeps the Pep Boys. They call themselves the “Kissin’ Cousins” and they’re not only responsible for the smashed mailboxes and prank calls, but also for the suspicious purchases on your credit card statements.
“Even LESS Schwab” will offer FULL REFUNDS equal to the value of the following fraudulent purchases: Marlboro Reds, switchblades, pints of Thunderbird, 8 oz jars of Pomade, 80 oz jars of Cialis.
GOLDEN TICKET-TO-RIDE!
Now more than ever, we need some FUN in our lives! Which is why we’re THRILLED to announce a new Wonka-like Golden Ticket promotion! Search the intake manifolds of your cars and if you find HAROLD SCHWAB’S COLOSTOMY BAG, bring it in for a free brake adjustment!
FAQ
What’s the deal with the new spokeswoman?
“Pin-Up Patty” is an explicit cartoon drawn by Mr. Schwab, NOT our new mascot.
Why not just fire Schwab?
Schwab’s contract prevents outright firing but allows the company to restructure his role based on the evolving “company vision.”
What’s Schwab’s role since the re-brand?
Harold Schwab is driven by his passion for automobiles, and it’s for that reason, not several legal ones, that our Board has promoted him to Chief Maintenance Technician. Limiting Schwab’s interactions to the occasional car has resulted in a safer, more secure company.
Condolences/Discount Repairs for the Bereaved
The death of a customer truly is a death in the family. And while we may never know what caused those 29 cars to explode, we DO know we’re here to help.
“Even LESS Schwab” is offering complementary repairs to cars that had:
- Engines swapped with turbocharged trucks
- Mirrors, seatbelts and airbags removed to “reduce drag”
- “SCHWAB LIGHTNING” painted on the hoods
A completely RE-ALIGNED company
Harold Schwab’s legacy at this company is ironclad (remember that free beef promotion?), and for his contributions, we’re promoting him to Editor-in-Chief of this newsletter. After speaking with Harold, we’re confident he’ll use this new role to spread the word about the modern company that we’ve become.
Letter from the editor:
“Schwab’s Greaser Garage” IS BACK BABYYYYYY! Turn that jalopy into a DEUCE COUPE:
- New Tires: 3 DOLLARS!
- Drop that suspension till it’s 6 FEET UNDER!
- LOUDEST mufflers in town (they spit FIRE!)
- DISCOUNTS for KISSIN’ COUSINS!
- FREE OIL CHANGE with promo code: AYYYYYYYY
- DON’T BE A FUCKIN’ SQUARE!
- You’re wearing a suit? GET OUT!
- You’re part of the Socs? CHEW DIRT!
- Your car’s red? YOU A COMMIE? GET IN!
Now BEAT IT!
—Harry